Sunday, September 25, 2005


my love i am aching tonight
can you come over here and make it right
i swear i wont put up a fight
whatever you want it’s a beautiful night

your hands are rough
and you’re soft to the touch
and soon ain’t enough
i’m calling for you

lay your hands on me
i’m burning can’t you see
your touch brings me such relief
lay down with me
hold me and go in deep
and grant me that sweet release

the salt in the sweat on your cheek
the nearness of you that i seek
the language of bodies we speak
of secrets and lies why am i so weak

your hands are rough
but your love is enough
i need your touch
i’m calling for you

lay your hands on me
i’m burning can’t you see
your touch brings me such relief
lay down with me
hold me and go in deep

and grant me that sweet release.


fly me higher
i’m inspired
i’m no liar
and that’s the truth

fly me higher
my entire
heart’s desire
is to be with you.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Chatting with a friend in YM, and he brought it up that apparently someone in his friendster list was running a poll for the Top Ten Hottest Chubs. This already all went down during august, and the ranked results are already available.

I came in at number 4.

Now, I did not know ANYTHING about this. The guy in question isn't on my friendlist, and likewise no one on my friend list told me that they were putting me in the running. Even my aforementioned friend only found out about it today, after the fact. Which leads me to assume that at least ONE someone (or several someones) sent in my pic, without me ever knowing.

I am conflicted over this. One one hand, I am I guess flattered that people I don't know about thought highly enough of me to vote me in to such a poll. *BLUSH*

On the other hand, it IS a poll for the "Hottest Chubs", so medyo it's a backhanded complement. *SOBS*

On the OTHER hand, I came in at JUST number 4?? I am SO much cuter than the top 3. *HUFF!*

Somewhere out there I know of at least ONE person laughing his ass off as he reads this. You know who you are. And after I gave you the heads up to the SERENITY screening.

Tsk tsk. shame on you.


lay your hands on me
i'm burning can't you see
your touch brings me such relief

lay down next to me
hold me and go in deep
and grant me that sweet release.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Tagged by Maui:

1) I love breakfast foods in all shapes, forms & permutations. If I could eat breakfast 3 times a day, I would.
2) I want to have an english bulldog.
3) I am a monstrous, shameless flirt.
4) I believe in True Love, and will wait however long to get it.
5) I will flirt and fling shamelessly in the meantime.
6) I am a horndog.
7) My latest anime obsession is Naruto.
8) I suffer from chronic writer's block.
9) The one thing that rouses me from my natural niceness and makes me come the closest to renouncing my stance on nonviolence are stupid ignorant homophobes. Its fuckers like you that make people like me stay in the closet. And I will take ALL of you motherfuckers on on their behalf.
10) When finally roused, I have a murderous temper. And if you are lucky, you'll never see it.
11) I am currently loving Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter
12) I apparently have appeal with chinese men, as the last 3 people I dated were chinoys.
13) I love to sing.
14) The Indigo Girls will always be my greatest musical influence, even if I end up playing death metal.
15) I am honestly happy with my body. It's probably WHY I have trouble losing weight, because I really don't feel a need to trim down.
16) My clothes are finally starting to pinch up on me, which unfortunately necessitates my losing weight, because not being able to breathe/move in clothes = unhappy
17) I just caught the super sneak preview of Joss Whedon's SERENITY and it ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!
18) I am a Gemini, and according to Chong, I am behaving perfectly to type.
19) I am over my broken heart, but at the same time will never be completely "okay" with it.
20) I am a naturally sunny person, despite my efforts to be more sardonic.

I tag Dexter, Candice, Jason & Oliver. Go!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Read this in the paper today:

"Dingdong Dantes is behind women in the fight against a 'silent kiler'. The Young actor is among GMA 7 artists who support Avon's "Kiss Goodbye to Breast Cancer" Program.

"Kiss Goodbye to Breast Cancer???"

Geez, Mixed metpahors MUCH? Avon has a ton of money, could they have afforded at least ONE copywriter with a decent grasp of the english language? And if it's just a typo, that doesn't look good naman for PDI. Either way, SOMEONE looks very, very bad from this.

That clanking sound you hear is me banging my forehead on my keyboard.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

"Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like. But it is important never to tell this to young people as it is something that would be harmful if incorrectly understood."

(From: The Hagakure)

Just a Clarification for people who may think I'm being way too picky:

I'm not looking for the perfect man.

I'm looking for the RIGHT man.

that is all.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Advice for the married, planning to get married, single but not available, single and available, no love life

I got from Nic's blog, it's one of the best things I read in recent memory. To say that I totally agree with it is an understatement. It says a lot of the things I've wanted to say before pa but never as articulate as this.


Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila
University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols
as professor. Father Ferriols, at that time, was the
Philosophy department head. Currently he still teaches
Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo.

Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind
opening and enriching classes but was also notorious
for the grades he gives. Still people took his classes
for the learning and deep insight they take home with
them every day (if only they could do something about
the grades...)

Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter
grading systems, the highest being an A, lowest at D,
with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols had this long
discussion with the registrar people because he wanted
to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn't
teach at all...Calasanz got his A+. Read the paper
below to find out why.

By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved.
But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage.
Something about the closure seems constricting, not
enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what
it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes
possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not
want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married
for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever,
or just because they thought it was the logical thing
to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty in their dealings with
each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at
best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a
lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could
not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such
a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples
who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.
They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon
each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It
was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.
How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many
years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's
habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us
seem unable to even stay together, much less love each

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There
is something to the claim of fundamental
compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the
relationship to succeed. It is important to find
someone with whom you can create a good relationship
from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see
clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the
way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the
thousands of little things by which relationships
eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to
see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination.
Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and
ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in
order to see what is on the other side.

This can work, but it can also leave a trail of
wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether
in an attempt to get to know each other apart from
their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because
the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so
large that it keeps them from having any normal
perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to
become long-time friends before they realize they are
attracted to each other. They get to know each other's
laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each
other at their worst and at their best. They share
time together before they get swept into the
entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall
under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately,
you need to look beyond it for other keys to
compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter
tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company
over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not
at the expense of others, then you have a healthy
relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of
surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can
always surprise each other. And if you can always
surprise each other, you can always keep the world
around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no
laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based
only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over
time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world
tends to turn you against those who do not share the
same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based
on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the
world in a way you respect. When two people first get
together, they tend to see their relationship as
existing only in the space between the two of them.
They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing
obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages
and grows, the outside world becomes important again.
If your partner treats people or circumstances in a
way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to
grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals
with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love
her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be
careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal
with the world around you, eventually the two of you
will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries
of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and
practicality, and the real life of the heart resides
in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the
mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while
the other is drawn only to the literal and the
practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you
each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by
yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts
that we will not betray and private commitments to a
vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in
love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable
parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her,
you will find yourselves growing further apart until
you live in separate worlds where you share the
business of life, but never touch each other where the
heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small
leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily
failures that leaves so many couples bitter and
unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have
chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the
real miracle of marriage can take place in your
hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a
miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.
There is a miracle in marriage. It is called
transformation. Transformation is one of the most
common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.
The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes
spring and love becomes a child. We never question
these, because we see them around us every day. To us
they are not miracles, though if we did not know them
they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our
love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to
flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom,
but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom
will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the
wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite
willing to accept the reality of negative
transformation in a marriage. It was negative
transformation that always had me terrified of the
bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.
It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle
that transformed love into harshness and bitterness.
Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the
first heat of love could be transformed into something
positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful
than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in
was the power of this passion and the fear that when
it cooled I would be left with something lesser and

But there is positive transformation as well. Like
negative transformation, it results from a slow
accretion of little things. But instead of death by a
thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of
love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings,
two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses
come together and share a view of life that passes
before them. They remain separate, but they also
become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a
closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This
is not to say that there is not tension and there are
not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice
of life, from celibate to monogamous to having
multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the
lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more
fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the
richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and
be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen,
against all odds, to become one. Those who live
together without marriage can know the pleasure of
shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the
marriage commitment that deepens that experience into
something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush
into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith
and it contains within it the power of transformation.
If you believe in your heart that you have found
someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have
sufficient faith that you can resist the endless
attraction of the road not taken and the partner not
chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace
the cycles and seasons that your love will experience,
then you may be ready to seek the miracle that
marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of
a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the
time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.


Just last night I was engaged in a friendly mini-debate of sorts with an acquaintance. Said acquantance was in an open relationship with someone for over 6 years, and he was of the position that it was inevitable that men of both gay and straight relationships would stray and look to other people to keep themselves happy.

He told me that even I, if I stayed in a relationship that long, would eventually start to stray. And at least in an open relationship, I wouldnt be doing it behind his back. I was trying to explain to him that when I was with nelson, in the time we were together, I never HAD any urges for anyone else. At all. It was EASY for me to be faithful, and even just the thought of sleeping with anyone was seemed to be unnatural.

It was only when I felt him drifting away from me and the cracks in the foundation were beginning to show that I found myself having infatuations with other men. So by my reckoning (and I took pains to emphasize that this was JUST me and not implying anything about HIS open relationship) if I was looking around, then that itself was symptomatic of something bigger wrong in the relationship.

"Well, let's say you find someone who's right for you in all the ways you want, but he asks to have an open relationship? What do you do then?"

"If he asks me that, then he's obviously not right for me."

We were agreeing to disagree; I was the one who asked him for some perspective on why they were in an open relationship, and to his credit he answered me honestly and truthfully. A part of me found it and STILL finds it unthinkable that I could ever be in an open relationship with someone and be happy. It's not a view he shares, and that's fine. We're all different people.

It just seemed to me that he was of the mind that he was trying to "convince" me that he was the ultimately correct one and that I would see it in time (he's 5 years older than me) he spoke in generalizations; and used examples of people he knew in long term relationships that cheated on their lovers but stayed together.

He was a guy who... I hate to use the term "gave up" but it seems appropriate... on the notion that people in long term, monogamous loveing relationships are possible, because all men, especially "People Like Us" (oh LORD how I so loathe that term). For me, it's the opposite. I can't NOT see myself in a long term, monogamous relationship. And that if I can't have that, I'm not willing to settle for being in an open one which would leave me unhappy inside.

I'm not writing this from a naive, puritanical position of someone whose never experienced meaningless flings and sex without love. I'm no saint, I've been to that show, and it's PRECISELY because I know what it's like to be with someone driven by lust and nothing else. And I can say that personally speaking, its one of the most unfulfilling experiences I can imagine.

There is pleasure, there is release, undoubtedly, but there isnt even that warm tenderness in the afterglow that you get when you're lying next to someone you care about. You may talk about pleasantries, you may even be friends in some cases. But beyond that? It's like masturbation using a person instead of a hand. I can't fathom a lifetime of doing that, especially if I've found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's obviously not enough for people like my acquaintance, but it is for me.

So we ended our discussion agreeing to disagree. I only wish I could memorize the entire piece above, because never has it been as clearly and concisely put together WHY I am as choosy as I am.

I will never settle.

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