Monday, November 29, 2004



You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow's ground is too
uncertain for plans.

You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong...And you really do have worth...


You want to hold a hand, not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company.

And you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy.

And you want to give presents and you want to make promises.

You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child, will want
someone to listen and care.

And you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.

You want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold.

You want to give flowers picked from your own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.

Then you'll see that there is such a thing as love, and that you were made to live in someone else's garden.

And you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.


"Because there's nothing... I believe that all writers write ultimately... I think any writer that tells you they write and they don't care if people read their work and see their work is full of crap. I think they're totally full of crap, and they're being completely disingenuous. I think writers write in order to communicate, to see if their ideas resonate with other people. And the greatest high of all time is sitting in a movie theater with hundreds or even thousands of audience members, and having them be scared of something you wrote or have them laugh at a joke you wrote. Or run into somebody on the street and have them say, "Ohmigod that movie..." Like a lot of people come up to me and say that Dark City was one of their favorite films. And I love that. It's a great... it doesn't get better than that. And that's why all of us - writers, directors, and even actors - do what we do."

- Blade: Trinity director David Goyer on being a writer

I would add "singer" to that list too.

Sunday, November 21, 2004


Silent Sanctuary has finally, finally finished its' first single with the new lineup. It's a re-recording of of "Talagang Ganyan", one the older songs composed by the original vocalist Norman Dellosa as a sort of tribute before the band starts recording all-new material (an unplugged, older version with Normz is also available for listening on the same page).

Check it out for the absolutely amazing guitar playing of the new guitarist, Sarkie Sarangay. He's a guitar major from St. Scholastica who, along with being a phenomenal musician, is also a gifted songwriter (he penned "Ikaw Lang", which is slated to be the first single for the new album).

You can hear it by clicking here. To download the songs as MP3s, you need to register (don't worry it's free). Please give it a listen and let me know what you think. =)

Oh, and the new vocalist is all right, I guess. I heard the guy might be a homo, though.


You are the weedy guy of Sumo Rings. You always lose and
always get a good kicking of all the contestants.

Which Takeshi's Castle Character are you?


Because of the possibility of who may read this, I can't get into too many details (ah, the pitfalls of one's own celebrity) But this question goes out to all my distaff (read: female) readers, as they alone would be able to understand the situation I currently find myself in:

Is discovering that you and your mom share the same taste in men (NOT your dad) a cause for bonding, or a reason to freak out?

Help me out here please, because I really and truly am not sure how to feel about this.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


ME: Am watching Ronin again on DVD. You know, this is one of those movies that just ages really, really well.

MYLES: You’ve seen the 10-minute car chase already? Galing ng director nyan… too bad he passed away na.

ME: Yup. Sobrang astig yung chase scene. And he died na? Sayang…

MYLES: He also did one of the best BMW short films. Have you see it na? The Hire series.

ME: I think so. He did one of the serious ones right? How did he die?

MYLES: He did "Ambush". He died of massive stroke, complication sa spinal surgery he underwent. Sad.

ME: Sad naman… which one was Ambush?

MYLES: One of the serious ones. Yung may passenger na old guy, then they were tailed by a van and got ambushed.

ME: I think I saw that one. Was the passenger a photographer with incriminating pics?

MYLES: Nope. Kay Inarito yun, a Mexican director. It was the one na he backed on the headlights of the van to "blind" it…

ME: Ah. I don’t think I saw that one then...

MYLES: Have it. Just tell me if you want a copy.

ME: Heh. Sure, why not? Pati na rin the rest of The Hire series.

MYLES: Thanks to you, I popped in my Ronin dvd, watching it now too. Classic no? Intelligent, well-written, not effects-dependent movie.

ME: Plus, it just made me realize, Robert deNiro is sooooooo HOT HOT HOT in this movie. I would do him.


ME: Tee hee.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Ani Difranco

how can i go home
with nothing to say
i know you're going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time

you are a china shop
and i am a bull
you are really good food
and i am full
i guess everything is timing
i guess everything's been said
so i am coming home with an empty head

you'll say did they love you or what
i'll say they love what i do
the only one who really loves me is you
and you'll say girl did you kick some butt
and i'll say i don't really remember
but my fingers are sore
and my voice is too

you'll say it's really good to see you
you'll say i missed you horribly
you'll say let me carry that
give that to me
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and i'll look out the window and make jokes
about the way things are

how can i go home
with nothing to say
i know you're going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time

and you had time.


Every time I hear this song, my heart breaks just a little bit all over again.


Silent Sanctuary

Times like these when the night is long
I end up reflecting on how it all went wrong
It felt so good back in the start
How could we have let us drift so far apart?

I listen to the sound the silence makes
As my heart quietly breaks

Why couldn't you have let me know about your doubts?
How I tried to make you happy and to work it out
Didn't I do my best to love you good enough?
Realized that I couldn't make you love me

The best we could hope for was to call a truce
And I became the rope for you to cut loose
Things you said in anger still live in me
Tattooed into my memory

Words that struck me hard like a fist
Resonate on lonely nights like this

Pride kept me from seein' the truth in front of me
I was so blind to how you desperately yearned to be free
How I tried but it simply wasn't good enough
Realized that I couldn't make you love me

Sometimes I still miss you
And how it was to kiss you
This heart of mine's misguided
It gets tiring for me to fight it
This momentary weakness
I swear that I will beat this

My childish dreams have crumbled into dust
I gave my flesh, my spirit, and my trust
It wasn't right the way you left me was so abrupt
Finally realized I could never make you love me

Listen to the sound the silence makes
As my heart quietly breaks.

Sunday, November 14, 2004


2:59 AM
Silent Sanctuary

Couldn't you have told me about your doubts?
How I tried
To make you happy and to work it out
Didn't I
Do my best to love you good enough?
It wasn't right

The way you turned around and left abruptly.

Saturday, November 13, 2004


"This body is a priceless piece of lovin' unconditionally."

- Pink, 'Respect'

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban
Mga liham ng nilihim kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayon kailangan nang itapon

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses na
tayo'y nasaktan

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon
dahan dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay na ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto't naron siya

Magpapaalam na sa yo ang aking kwarto.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


"Hook up with nice people, do your job, and enjoy the fascination from everything that's going on around you. And keep your bearings through it all."

- Law & Order's Dennis Farina, on being a star


Silent Sanctuary

As we dance upon the table
And I am unable
To resist the kiss of maple

Don't you think it's rather funny?
How I go from blue to sunny
With just a little bit of your honey

I see the look of hunger and it's in your eyes
Now it's on my mind
I never felt so famished ever in my life
And it's coming
I see it coming

Melting down as it gets hotter
Piled high one on top of another
I think I need a glass of water

I see the look of hunger and it's in your eyes
Now it's on my mind
I never felt this famished ever in my life
Now it's coming
And it's coming

Feels so good going in
Can't tell where I end and you begin
Feels so good coming up
Baby I can't get enough
Feels so good going down
Quiet love don't make a sound
Feels so good when I'm with you
And I hope that no one stops us 'til we're through

A hot and greasy undertaking
I can tell that you're not faking
This is serious love we're making

I see the look of hunger and it's in your eyes
Now it's on my mind
I never felt this famished ever in my life
Now it's coming
Oh god I'm coming

It feels so good going in
Can't tell where I end and you begin
Feels so good coming up
Baby I can't get enough
Feels so good going down
Quiet love don't make a sound
Feels so good inside of you
And I hope that no one stops us 'til we're through
Stops us 'til we're through

Feels so good with you.


After sitting back and waiting for inspiration to 'strike' me, have been trying to finish the songs that have been clogged in my head for weeks. I have catchy (in my head at least) choruses already completed; that's where the 'inspiration' part comes from. It's the nuts-and-bolts of everything ELSE that I always have a problem with.

I set aside today to try and finish at least one new song, and came up with nothing. It REALLY frustrates me because Anjo (cello) has already written 2 songs for the band and has come up with lyrics to at least 2 more, and it's all good stuff. Sarkie (guitars) came up with "Ikaw Lang" which is so irresistibly catchy that we use it as our 'closer' song in every gig.

I gave them 'Maple', which has turned out beautifully as a SilentSanct song, but I wrote that last year, when I was still with Where's Joe. Plus, because of the subject matter it isn't something we can play for all gigs, like Sarkie's song. It has been my goal to write a mainstream hit single that can be played from NU to RX to MTV to MYX to every place in between. The problem is, I have yet to come up with an all-new song as a member of Silent Sanctuary, and for classified reasons, we are a bit under the clock with coming up with songs for the album. If I'm not careful, I may end up with contributing just ONE song.

I know I'll get over this (hell, I'D BETTER!!) but right now I feel like I have this huge, huge opportunity to come up with songs for a major-distribute album and I'm totally blowing it.

Stupid writer's block! Fark! Fark! FARK!!


*bangs head against wall*


Thursday, November 04, 2004


I've always liked pro wrestling for many reasons. The most obvious one of course is that, hello, it's half-naked sweaty muscular men of various shapes, sizes and flavors grappling with each other. It's one of life's great ironies that a sport that generally draws traditionally homophobic fans has one of the strongest homoerotic undertones of any professional sport.

Of course "sport" is used extremely loosely here, as even the wrestlers themselves now will freely admit that this is a mix of theater and athleticism. Soap Opera for men. One does not label "The O.C." fake because the actors aren't really lusting after one another and that they work from a script.

For me, it's always been about the characters. In years past my favorite ring grapplers were the stoic heroicism of Bret Hart, the goofiness of Hacksaw jim Duggan, the sheer coolness of Shawn Michaels. Nowadays, my current favorite wrestlers include Rico, an openly 'gay', flamboyant wrestler who freely flirts with his opponents to his advanatage, BUT -- and this is the crucial difference from the older effete wrestlers -- he CAN kick some major ass when he needs to.

I like to identify with Rico in that sense; he's integrated ALL aspects of his personality, not choosing to hide any of it and it has made him a stronger wrestler as a result. Rico's character is really something unexplored in the gay milieu, because he does represent The gay man who has achieved his full potential by being fully at peace with himself. Far too many gay men work under veils of secrecy in their everyday lives and I truly believe that their lives, both professional and personal, ultimately suffer from it.

Carlito Carribean Cool is a fairly new character, who at the moment basically just talks about how cool he is and how everything else isn't. He punctuates his speeches by biting into an apple and spitting it into the face of whoever uncool fool he is talking to at the time. I'm not sure why this character appeals to me the way he does, but I love it every time he's onscreen.

It's arrogance to a cartoonish degree, but it's not the traditional 'asshole' mean-spirited arrogance of regular wrestling 'heels' (insider lingo for 'bad guy'). His idea of being "bad" is kicking little kid's sand castles, crossing the street without waiting for the light to turn green, and not returning a celphone when he borrows it to make a call. It's like he knows how foolish his arrogance is, and it's all really just for show, done with a wink to the audience. Anyone who knows me personally can guess why this particular act would appeal to me.

John Cena is not really someone I'm into all that much. His character as a rap-spouting wigga was a lot more interesting when he was a heel because his promos (speeches) were much more vicious. As a babyface ('good guy') his insults are neutered. But I DO like him for his main catchprase to his opponents: "You Can't See Me!", punctuated by waving his hand in front of his face.

It's a simple enough phrase, one of many in the WWE, but I like what it represents. For some reason, I find myself saying it to myself a lot lately; It conveys strength, and growth. Of coming from a low point, and working on yourself so hard that you end up moving past the ones that brought you down.

I've surpassed you. I'm so far ahead of you in the horizon I'm not even in sight anymore.

You can't see me.


The Ice Cream Barrel gets featured in today's issue of the Daily Tribune. I even get a pic, although I think I look TOO thin there (yeah, I know... wha?). You can check out the online version here (click the 'Life' section).

Plug over. Back to whining about my love life. ;)


Yesterday the studio was unavailable, so I had an unexpected free day (see previous post) since I now had nothing planned that night, I texted Praline Bear to see if he might be free tonight to hang out. he replied that he unfortunately wasn't, but that he might be free friday night.

This would normally be perfect, except that this particular friday night, SilentSanct will be recording the finishing touches to what will hopefully be our next single for the radio. So once again our schedules fail to meet.

Arrrrrrrgghhh. What good is it being a gay rock star and you attract cute boys but you have no time to take advantage of it?

Karma gods, don't take me seriously. I absolutely love where I'm at right now. That's just my libido talking.


Yesterday, in what unexpectedly turned out to be a very busy day of consumerism, I made some long-delayed purchases: new guitar strings, a nice big leather guitar strap (wait for the next gig pics), a guitar stand to replace the one I lost at Oktoberfest, a haircut, and the fourth season of The Simpsons on DVD. To do all of this I had been gallivanting all over the city from SM North Edsa to GreenHills Shopping Center to finally SM Megamall, where I still had to pick up some VCDs from an acquaintance.

As I parked in the open parking lot and stepped out of my car, I froze at this rare sight: a Perfect Rainbow: full, clear and unbroken, bordered by the entire stretch of the Megamall structure and so vivid that there was even a second, much lighter rainbow surrounding it.

I had seen rainbows before of course, but only partial ones, and never quite this vivid. I couldn't recall the last time I had seen one so beautiful. At that moment I regretted not having a camera in my celphone that I might have been able to capture it, as it literally brought meaning to the word "picture perfect". Instead of going into the mall I leaned against my car to gaze at this amazing miracle in the sky.

Then the rainbow dissipated, and I went about with my day.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


VOTE. Your vote DOES count. It could come down to just a few votes to decide the fate of the election. Hell, that's what happened LAST time. Making a "statement" by not choosing to vote for either candidate is stupid and pointless, because it just means one LESS vote for the person you would rather win (or, if you want to be negative about it, a vote for the person you rather didn't).

The entire world will be watching with bated breath at your decision. As loathe as I am to admit it, what you do DOES resonate to the rest of the world, me included, and this blog is all about me, so there you go.

Except if you plan to vote for Bush. In which case, I'd rather you just stayed home.

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