Saturday, January 31, 2004


Shit. Starting to feel depressed again. The reasons why I shouldn't miss him are starting to fade in the distance while the things I miss about him have become sharper. As my heart heals, my pride begins to develop a scar, and a different kind of anger and depression is looming: One of a loser who got dumped.

Please, please don't let this get too deep....

Thursday, January 29, 2004


Clicking on comments here and there, and just generally surfing the web, I've discovered that more than a few of you have put links up to this blog. What I find particularly cool about that is that many of you I've never even met in real life, unlike say Evil Dhex or the Poetess, so it's really all about my blog, which is very very flattering.

For that, I thank you. One good turn deserves another, so if you have linked to my blog, and want me to return the favor, drop me a line and I'll put up a link to the right.

Again, I thank you, and my ego thanks you. She loves the attention. :)


All the times that I've cried
All this wasted it's all inside
And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down it's back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK

I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

A Blessing

I'm not really in the habit of giving curses; partly because I'm not sure they'll come true, and partly because I'm afraid that they will come true. All throughout this whole hellish experience of getting my heart shattered, I've cursed Nelz, over and over again, in all sorts of ways that I'm not proud of.

I've wished him harm, I've wished him failure, I've wished him physical pain and disease. All of it hateful, petty, and undignified. I've always believed that Karma does exist and listens to requests, but said requests have to be graceful enough to earn her attention. And I don't think mine were up to snuff, quite frankly.

Then I was reading up on a journal of a friend of mine, my almost-ex before Nelz, who, unlike him, knew enough of me and more importantly, knew enough of himself to see the folly of a paring of us. Though I most certainly did not appreciate it at the time, he had the foresight to keep things from progressing any further, instead of pushing forward and letting me believe everything was okay until something came up, like suddenly having a revelation that he was a self-proclaimed "free spirit" who simply couldn't be in a long-term relationship.

He's a writer, and is currently recovering from a similiar experience. In his latest blog entry, he came up with a parting that I think is most appropriate. Elegant and poetic, yet will hit the one who hurt me like a three-ton boulder if it ever does come to pass:

"You will learn the true nature of love.
And you will truly know what you have done."


(Melissa Etheridge)

A shot in the dark I woke up to find
You had broke all the rules
And you changed your mind
Didn't I love you good?
Didn't I love you right?
Then tell me where are you going
Dressed to kill tonight
Oh this one's gonna hurt like hell

Answer my prayer and answer the phone
Think twice about it honey
Turn around and come on home
Lover stop lover don't
Lover stop
Lover lover please

It's the same old tune
I have sung before
It's the same old game
It's just a different score
If there was just one thing
I could call my own
It would be your love
That's sinking like a stone
Oh this one's gonna hurt like hell

And they hold you like I want to
And they give you what I want to
And they take it like I want to
And they make it and they break it
Why must you reject me?
Why can't you protect me?

Monday, January 26, 2004

If you’re reading this.

Can someone tell me if I’m getting there
That I’m learning how not to care
Pry myself open with the strength to let you go
Let this aching passion burn away
Mean less than nothing to me now by the way
Well I did just like you asked just so you know
And we can take it slow.
        - Where’s Joe, “Take it Slow”

In our final conversation before we finally and truly parted, we agreed to not look at each other’s journals for the time being, because it might be too hurtful to the both of us to read what might lay there. I have honored that agreement, and hopefully you have as well.

However, In our fifteen months together, if there’s one thing I know about you it's that you’ve never been one to be able to keep yourself from peeking at the spoilers. So in case you have been reading all that has been said here, including all the things I’ve said about you, I’m sorry. It may be hard to believe, but when I say these horrible, hateful, bitter words, it hurts me, because I’m saying these terrible things about someone that, less than a month ago, meant more to me than anyone or anything else in my entire life.

I have to move on from you. Before, when you dumped me -- and that is what happened, WE did NOT “agree to go our separate ways”, YOU dumped ME. I had NO choice in the matter. And the fact that you seemed reluctant to initially accept your role in this and tried to pass it off as a mutual decision between the two of us is but one of your many sins against me -- I gave myself a goal that I had to be okay with you, with whatever you were doing, by the time you had your 30th birthday that I might be able to attend your celebration and see you, no matter what you were doing (and who you were doing it with) and not be affected.

But I realize now that even that goal simply meant I was still trapped by you. My goal now is to have you mean absolutely nothing to me: No hate, no anger, no love, NOTHING.

That if I was at a party and you walked in, I wouldn’t leave in a huff, or act more animated than normal in some forced, awkward attempt to somehow prove to you that I was happier without you, but to simply not care.

That if I was in Malate, and I suddenly heard my name being called, and I turned around to see you sticking your tongue down someone else's throat simply to strike back at me, the way you did to your previous ex Sig, I wouldn't feel like I got punched in the chest from the inside. Instead, I would simply turn around and keep walking.

That if we ran into each other and you asked me to have a meal with you, as you told me we would do somewhere down the line, I wouldn’t slap your face, turn my back on you, or even accept, hoping for some sort of reunion. Perhaps I would accept your offer. Perhaps I would politely decline. What's crucial would be that it wouldn’t MATTER to me either way.

I have to kill all the feelings I have about you and move on and AWAY from you as soon as I can. I have to remove you from my life. Whatever reasons you gave me for leaving me, whether they were valid (becoming more and more dubious the more perspective I get), or even TRUE as the case may have been; there are trespasses you have committed against me, absolute and incontrovertible, that I simply cannot forgive, and NEVER forget.

Ultimately, It’s all about passion. The fact that I hate you right now only means that I still have love for you. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

In respect for the good times we did have together, I am sorry for all the things that I have said, and all the things that I am going to say on this blog.

And I have to keep going until I’m not sorry anymore.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Conversations over Coke and Cerveza

Me: So. You got my texts last Monday night about wanting to die and stuff?

Charmaine: Yeah, we did.

Me: ........

Charmaine: .......

Me: I'm not proud of that, you know. I guess I needed to hit rock bottom, go the absolute lowest I could possibly go so I could start to move up again.

Charmaine: Like we said, In the end, there are some things you have to do on your own, and knowing that you did it on your own makes you a stronger person.

Me: So why didn't you think I wasn't going to do anything drastic?

Charmaine: Because Adam's a psych major. He said to give you 2 days.

Me: Yes, yes, but WHY did Adam think I wasn't going to do anything?

Charmaine: Because you love life too much.

Me: ...........

And she was right. I thought about it, and she was totally right. Once finally I came out of my shell and started fully living life, I've always approached it with everything I've had: Never holding back, swallowing as much of it as I could in big giant gulps. I embrace The Everything that life has to offer by going at it head on, both the sweet and the bitter. It's how I know I'm alive; it's who I've always been.

It's why I poured my heart, my soul, and everything else that I had into my relationship with Nelz, for better or for worse. And odds are I'll probably do it again in my next relationship. And the thought of voluntarily ending it all, even in my most painful moments, was never really an option for me.

I confessed to her that I was considering getting my first tattoo. It would be the Japanese character for Love "Ai" that would be drawn on my back, at the base of my neck. (that way, if I ever got tired of it, it wouldn't be staring me in the face every day for the rest of my life)

I've lived long enough in my skin to recognize that whether I like it or not, I am and always have been a passionate person. The character and the placement is meant to symbolize that whatever I do, the driving force for it is Love: Of music, of art, of my family, of my friends, of whomever holds my heart; the sheer love of LIFE. And no matter how battered my heart might get, ultimately I will STILL believe in love. And if in a year I still felt the same way about it, I would go ahead and get the tattoo.

We talked some more that night, about our plans for the future, about my opening up my long dreamed-of ice cream parlor. I promised her right there and then that if -- no, WHEN I got it up and running, she could handle the baked desserts and designer drinks.

We talked about the irony of those who took pride in growth and independence, yet were emotionally stunted; literally unable to consider anyone's feelings but their own. We talked about strength of character; how if people weren't willing to accept you for who you were, It was THEIR problem, NOT yours, and no matter what reasons they gave you, they weren't worth it. We talked about a lot of other things that night, and then we raised our glasses.

Me: So, what shall we toast to....?

Charmaine: To Love.

And we did.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Driving, Donuts and Dancing the Night Away

Last night I went out with Adam and Charmaine, two of my dearest friends who I hadn’t really been with in a long while. They used to be my band mates in Where’s Joe when we were still an acoustic band, and bowed out when the real world came a-calling. They were there for me through my very tumultuous coming-out phase, and were there for my first gay rejection, which I didn’t handle very well (but in retrospect was nothing compared to what I’m currently going through). I invited them to come with me to attend the Sandwich’s album launch at the Rock Radio club in Alabang.

They were interested, but reluctant to agree because Adam’s check for his freelance project hadn’t come in yet from his company. Being newly single with plenty of disposable income, I offered to spot them for tonight. Truth be told, I’ve been spending on myself a lot the past two weeks, and it’s something that I’m sure will stabilize itself in time, but for now I really feel the need to splurge and do whatever it takes to be gentle with myself, so off we went. I passed by their house at around 8:20, where they were just sitting down to dinner. After a bit of chatting and snacking we finally left for Alabang at 9.

On C-5, we made what should have been a quick stop at Gonuts Donuts in The Fort, as I was raving about them to Adam & Char, who had not tasted them yet. After we parked and walked over to the shop, we were stunned by the long (as in LONG) line of people, all waiting to buy donuts. Since A & C were both foodies like me, they didn’t have any problems waiting in line for them, and they had fun checking out all the mouth-watering pastries on display, as well as the open-window donut making machinery.

I knew these donuts were good; practically everyone I know who has tried them has had nothing but good things to say about them. But I had no idea that they were this popular. I saw one couple buy 5 dozen donuts, all for take out. When we finally got to the counter after an almost 30 minute (!!) wait, our order was: A chocolate frosted and peanut butter frosted donut (my current favorite) each for me, the same for Adam, and Charmaine had an Amazing Glaze and a Pastillas de Leche filled donut.

We didn’t want to drive while eating (Charmaine ordered coffee with her donuts and didn’t want to risk spilling her hot drink on the car) so we just sat in the parking lot and while eating our donuts. As we sunk our teeth into our delicious sugary fried treats, we got to talking. I mentioned my newfound drive for going to the gym. All this week I’ve been doing 50 minutes or cardio a day -- something which I used to swear I was too lazy to do -- along with my usual weight training. Adam asked me if I knew anything about Ken-jitsu, which is kind of like kendo but more combative, with sword katas and fighting with bokken (wooden swords).

I enthusiastically told him that I was very interested, being in a Kill Bill state of mind at the moment (number of times currently seen: 2 in the theater, 3 on pirated DVD) I had been seriously thinking about buying my own samurai sword and would very much like to be able to know how to use it correctly. He said there was a weekly class being taught at Corinthian gardens and that he was going to be starting up sometime this February. I told him to count me in, so I’ll probably be taking up Ken-jitsu come the next month, and rest assured I’ll be blogging about all the pain and suffering that is sure to be endured. (as opposed to all the pain and suffering endured over getting one's heart broken, which I'm sure you all are already tired of, dear readers...)

Finally got to Rock Radio at around 11, and unfortunately, all the guest bands (itchyworms, Chicosci and Twisted Halo) were done playing. By the time we got there Jazz Nicolas (‘worms drummer) was hanging outside, sitting on the guard rail, Monmon Lopez (Halo’s adorable teddy bear of a drummer) was just leaving, and Sandwich was already into their 3rd song.

As we entered the gate, there was what I thought was going to be a snag: I had set aside enough money to pay P100-150 for Adam & Char’s tickets in addition to my own, that night, apparently the entrance fee was the purchase of their album at P250(!). I didn’t bring enough for three albums, and was resigning myself for the three of us to just linger at the lobby, watching the show from afar.

While we were standing there, Jason (Twisted Halo guitarist) noticed us and probably guessed our dilemma, so he told the girls manning the gate to just let us in. Being friends with rock stars rules. Now all I have to do is start making friends with the owner of GB3 Cinemas and I’ll be set for life.

It was great seeing old friends again. I have to admit, when Nelz and I were together, apart from a few scattered gigs here and there, I really pulled myself away from the band scene. Mainly because Nelz wasn’t too interested in watching them with me. Well, why don’t you go on your own, you ask, you’re not joined at the hip. Yes, yes, yes I understand it’s great and it’s healthy to have your own interests and your own thing apart from your partner.

But. One of the things I always envisioned as being part of a couple was that sometimes – not all the time, mind you, but sometimes – you got to share with your partner something that was important to you, something that made you happy (and ultimately showed them another part of yourself). Sharing something you love with someone you love ideally would make the experience that much more meaningful.

Unfortunately, doing something that I liked was never really a priority with Nelz, unlike stupid, naive me, who was always open to doing whatever Nelz suggested. When it was brought to his attention that I might not be as enthusiastic about the stuff he suggests to do as he is and that I was doing it because it made him happy, he seemed to be genuinely surprised by the concept.

In retrospect, I guess I should have taken that as an early warning sign. Post-honeymoon stage, he was never really into opening himself up to something I liked if it was something he had no interest in (something which would be characteristic of our entire relationship).

I ended up going to gigs alone at first, and then finally not going at all. A lot of the gigs would be on Saturday (The monthly Admit One show, for one) which was date night, and I was also starting to save on cash. Going out to shows can add up, and money not spent on shows was money that could be spent on going out with Nelz. Finally, it was getting tiring (and a little bit draining) constantly having to explain to friends why I was there alone. All of the above translated into me gradually disappearing from the scene. In retrospect, that was a mistake on my part and something I will NOT repeat the next time around.

By then word had gotten around about my newly dumped status. Aia (of Imago), who I love love love dearly and consider a sweet little sister, gave me a big hug when she saw me, which I eagerly returned, whirling her around happily the way I always do.

”Hey, I heard about what happened, I’m sorry.” She said, with a look of concern on her face. I just looked at her with a wistful expression, and with a shrug replied: ”ayaw na niya sa akin eh”. I told her half-jokingly that since I was single again, if she knew anyone she could fix me up with she could go right ahead. Her face brightened up and promised me she’d try to find someone to hook me up with. Cool.

As I was sitting with Charmaine at the bar; a Cerveza Negra in her hand, Diet coke in mine (I had had quite enough alcohol the past 2 weeks, and perhaps enough Tanduay rhum to last me a lifetime), Twisted Halo frontman Vin came along and offered his own truly unique brand of advice.

Vin: Hey, you still feeling bad ba?

Me: Hey Vin, I’m just here, bitching with Charmaine (smiles)

Vin: Stop it.

Me: …….

Vin: How long has it been?

Me: (look at calendar watch) Uhm... 2 weeks?

Vin: (with concern in his voice) Stop it.

Me: But I…

Vin: Just stop it, dude!

Charmaine: It’s been just 2 weeks! Give him time!

Vin: Dude, Just STOP it, okay? The more you talk about it, the more you’re just going to feel bad about it. Just stop it. Here have a beer. (hands me a complementary coupon)

It was touching, really. He didn’t know that the first few days after being dumped, I WAS trying to “stop it”. It was only after I allowed myself to talk about it openly and allow myself to feel angry about the situation did I start to heal.

It was kinda-almost-sorta refreshing (and funny): After talking almost exclusively with my girlfriends (Katrice, Nikka, Charmaine, Sanya, Nicole, Tricia, Ria) and being constantly reassured to be gentle with myself, to give myself time, and to just let things happen one day at a time, here comes Vin with a big heap of male bluntness and tells me to bottle it up and drink. I was genuinely touched by his concern, and will love him forever for that.

But really: SUCH a guy.

Adam and Charmaine, who used to be part of the band scene but also moved away due to circumstances with work, went to the tables in the back of the club where some of their old friends were sitting, to catch up on things and to talk shop. I decided to go up to the front of the club, right up to the edge of the stage where a crowd of people were thrashing about, in tune with the powerful music.

The people were all on a high, from alcohol, from the music, from the sheer energy, and were losing themselves to the driving rhythms. Although my attire was not meant for moshing, (a shiny Thai silk shirt that was more meant for Malate’s Orosa scene than a rock club) I dove right in. The guitars screamed in electric fury, while the bass and the drums throbbed with such intensity that you felt it with not in your ears but with your whole body. Jumping and dancing and drenched in sweat, I screamed at the top of my lungs, throwing myself into the moment.

I danced for my lost love. I danced for my newfound, undemanded freedom. I danced for my pain. I danced for the tears that I shed and the tears that I had yet to cry. I danced for the future, and I danced for the time that was. I danced for the friends whom I discovered I could rely on in my time of need. I danced for understanding. I danced for clarity. I danced for inner peace, I danced for release. That night, for just a little while, all my problems and all my pain ceased to be, and I simply was.

And I just kept dancing.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

How hot are you?

In what may or may not be the universe's way of having fun with me, Time Magazine came out with a special on Love; how it affects you physiologically, mentally, etc. Basically, it tries to scientifically explain how love gets a normal person to drop all their defenses and put themselves up to the kind of shit I am currently undergoing.

One of the side features was a "Passionate Love Scale" which gauges how intensely one loves. Naturally, I took the test. Out of a possible score of 135, I scored a 126. Which makes me "Wildly, even recklessly, in love"

Tell me something I didn't know.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Public Apology

.... To Patrick. You did not deserve to be talked to like that by me the way you were. It was shameful, rude, angry, and beneath me. I'd tell you that I've been under a lot of stress lately, but... you know all about that already.


I finally have enough readers of my blog that I'm attracting not just friends and acquaintances, but lowlifes and trolls as well.

Cooooooooooooool. :)

"To Joe D' Mango"

I will only say this once:

I am admittedly curious as to your identity. A friend of Nelz? An acquantance of mine? Nelz himself under an alias? Let me tell you that when I read your posts, I was feeling myself out whether or not I should be angry at your taunting words, but with your closing statements so obviously designed to get a reaction out of me, if you knew my personality at all you would know that would only steel my resolve against giving you what you want.

One thing. If there's one thing I've leaned from Nelz, this is MY blog. My choice to say and do what I will. Anyone who doesn't like it can go hang. And right now, I've really got a need to say what's on my mind.

"but who are we to say that he is not also hurting? "

I never said he wasn't. But newsflash: SO AM I. And for the longest time, I was denying that. It's shit like that that kept me worrying about him than taking care of myself. It got to the point I was actually defending him to other people for sticking it out with me for so long without saying anything, instead of asking WHY he said nothing for the longest time, refusing to communicate with me despite my best efforts, letting the issues fester until the problems got so huge he convinced himself that nothing could be done?

From the tone of your post, mr. mango, you strike me as someone who sees himself as pretty smart. You like asking questions, try ANSWERING one for a change.

I was TRAPPED by still trying to worry about his feelings, not dealing with my own, which only built up and built up until it exploded into the rage spilled out here. I realize he meant well by asking we remain friends, and maybe it works with other people, but doesn't work with me. Not right now, perhaps not ever.

Not that I owe you or anyone else an explanation, but believe me, I'm am neither proud nor particularly happy about the things that I have said and the person I've become at the moment. But the shit I have both gone through and put myself through, both here in my blog and in my life has been truly cathartic. By pushing up all these feelings the the surface as hard as possible, instead of bottling it inside, for the first time I've been able to actually feel better about it all.

As I typed that last statement, I sat in front of the computer, and took a moment. To see if that was really true, or was that just bluster. I breathe in and out. The pain is still there, to be sure, and will probably rise up again once or thrice before it's truly over. But saying all the terrible things in my previous entry did a lot in freeing myself from the hold Nelz has over me.

It may be harsh to him, but guess what? HE BROKE MY HEART. NOTHING I can do or say can possibly match up to the damage he caused me. Nothing. It's time for me to start thinking of myself, just like he did when he cut me loose. I need to fix my own house before I worry about my neighbors. If invoking his name in such a manner is a particularly crude way to try and get over someone, well my response to that is: It's my way. Deal with it.

"I am excited to see how you will react to this post. "

And THAT, more than any other statement, makes it the easiest thing in the world to discard your post. Even if you did have salient points to make, that one statement above all else proves to me -- and EVERYONE reading this blog -- that you are a miserable excuse of a human being who derives pleasure out of trying to hurt other people. THAT'S pathetic. It's not anger you elicit from me.... it's pity.

It's quite clear to everyone who reads your entries that you are a troll (fake name, no email), hiding in the shadows. You are someone who means to try and do as much damage as you can from afar, fishing for a reaction. And if you knew me at all, the natural contrarian that I am, knowing that makes it all the more easier to deny you that which you seek.

So whether you're someone I know under an alias (Tony, is that you?....) trying the 'tough love' approach or a stranger with no true knowledge of what is going on, you've only helped in this whole thing, because the knowledge that I can be told all the things you just said and not really care enough to truly get angry (and beleive me, getting angry is something that comes easy for me) just lets me know that I'm that much closer to understanding.

So if you were anxiously looking for another raging reaction from me..... sorry, I'm not. And I'm not even trying to bottle it up or anything. What's the point of getting angry at someone unreachable who so obviously WANTS you to get angry?

You are an annoyance, and nothing more. It is pointless to waste my precious energy being angry at someone who cowers under a veil of anonymity (better to save that anger for more deserving targets).

That said however: disrespect is disrespect. If you still wish to egg me on further and provoke me, the best I can say to help you is that you'd probably have better luck doing it in person. I would cheerfully give you the chance to repeat all that you said to me to my face and give you the reaction you seek. Personally speaking, I am very much looking forward to the pleasure of making your acquaintance. Otherwise, all future posts from you (and other trolls in the future, for the record) will be treated in the manner befitting all trolls: deletion.

I have no time for people who don't have the guts to stand up for what they have to say.

"I rest my case."

Wow. Ang galing mo. Bow ako sa yo. How can I argue with such flawless logic? You've hit across the perfect argument: Don't say it.

Come back to me when you're ready to talk. Don't start to say something, take it back for fear of appearing insensitive. If you want to say something, SAY IT.

Part of the reason I'm in the shit I'm in is because Nelz wanted it both ways, that he sprung this breakup on me with no warning whatsoever, and expected me to still be his friend, to smile and thank him for the experience. Well, I'm NOT sorry to say that NO you CANNOT have it both ways. What he did hurt me BAD. Whether he chooses to deal with that or not (bet on the latter) is his choice, but he does NOT get to go around with him and everyone else believing that I'm FINE with what he did.

For the longest time its felt like I've been trying to hold back all the pain because I wasn't entitled to them because we were "friends" now. The only time I've actually been able to deal with my emotions was when I let myself know it was OKAY to be hurt.

Well, it doesn't WORK that way. Not for me. It HURTS, god dammit, and I can't see how I can be friends with someone who caused me this much pain.

Don't try to come across looking like you've taken the higher road because you choose not to lower to yourself to my level. Have the guts to say what's on your mind, and deal with the repercussions.

Either say your piece or shut the hell up.

Monday, January 19, 2004

No more "___'s"

I pray for the day that the thought of you doesn't fill me with sadness. That I can check your journal without fearing what I might read there about who you are fucking, which makes me physically shiver with pain and nausea. I pray for the day I can see your name being mentioned by friends without it feeling like I'm getting stabbed from the inside.

It hasn't happened yet. I don't know if it ever will. All I am left with is emptiness, extreme, soul-crushing sorrow, and self-loathing.

And hate.

There is much hate.

And it is ever growing.

I hate you for deciding it wasn't worth it to love me.

I hate you for not loving me because I was apparently not driven enough for you. That my efforts as a person-- who I was, meant nothing. Just my level of accomplishment. The person I was, the feelings I had, the entirety of me was dismissed with the question "You're 28. What have you accomplished in your life? Really??"

I hate you for making me feel like less of a human being because I was not driven to climb as many mountains as you. That everything I was, was simply distilled into the accomplishments I had.

I hate you for not even giving me a chance to change things if it bothered you that much. I may have changed for you, I may have not. But you denied me even the chance.

I hate you for not realizing exactly how much I went to war and sacrificed and gave up for you to make you happy. THAT wasn't enough for you? I bled for you, god damn it.

I hate you for turning away from me every time you were in pain and I tried to reach out to you, with you turning to your friends instead for solace. And then you went and thanked them on your blog, writing that you "weren't used to being showered with...... love."

"Not used to being showered with love??"

What the HELL do you think I was trying to do the entire time we were together?????? EVERY time you looked sad I asked you what was wrong, what could I do, and you just shook your head and said it was something you had to do yourself. We almost had a FIGHT because I couldn't leave you alone the way you asked. And then you go on and say that you're not used to being fucking showered with love??? I HATE you for that!!!

I hate you for making me question how I love you, because now it seem that appparently I did it wrong.

I hate you for moving on and being happy while I am still in the midst of the tempest that I am encountering.

I hate you for messing up my ability to love. I tried to go out on a date last saturday. I TRIED to move on. He was very sweet, he held me, nuzzled me, and with every tender gesture all I could think aobut was how it reminded me of what it was like in the start of our relationship. Every gentle touch was like a knife in my stomach, a pain of longing and sorrow for what once was. How twisted is that? Acts of love causing me pain? I can't even move on the way I am.

I even tried to have a one night stand, sex without feeling, just like you, you know? I couldn't do it. With every forced kiss, every caress, I just felt emptier and emptier inside. Because all I could think about was you instead of him, and how good it was at the start, and how I was never going to be able to touch you like that anymore, and how much that realization hurt. It got so bad that my date couldnt go through with it, because he said he saw my eyes were too filled with sadness.

I hate you for making me discover that I can truly count on no support from my mother, or my family. Not once since you dumped me has my mother shown any sign of real sympathy. If anything, I feel she has been working on hiding her relief and joy at my situation.

I don't think I can ever forgive her for that. It's not the first time she's disappointed me but...... it's my mother, dammit. She's suppposed to be the one above all others who should want to comfort me in my pain. And I'm making no efforts to hide how much pain I'm in. I may still be at the house, but now and forevermore, I will view this family as the reason that I lost what meant the most to me. For that, I will always see them with a little anger.

I hate you for decreeing that my job at Hotstix wasn't enough for you. And you know what, it wasn't. No one considered it a real job, not my mom, not YOU. So I left.

That's right, I left. Because while you may not have considered it a legitimate job, it did occupy my time as much as a real job did. So at least now, if people ask me what I do, I won't hem and haw and make any lies to them or to myself. I'll give the answer that's in everybody's head. I do nothing. I HAVE no job. I don't work. I. Do. NOTHING.

I'm 28 years old, and I haven't accomplished anything. Just like you said.

Last night was my lowest point yet. After just having fought with my mother for her laughing at my pathetic attmepts to be independent. How can I be independent nga ba if the place I'm staying in STILL belongs to her? She's right? It's a shadow. Of course she would laugh. I told her I was quitting Hotstix, since although she would tell people that I owned it, in the end she still viewed it as hers, something she lets me play with.

So I made my decision to leave. Stand on my own two feet, like you said.

I drove off. Drove, and drove, with Cheese's Pilipinas album blaring in my ears, finally appreciating for the first time how such angry music could be enjoyed. And it sunk in how I had systematically lost everything that was important to me, for the first time I told myself that I wanted to die.

I didn't want to handle it anymore. I've always viewed suicide as a coward's way out, and maybe it is. But then again, whose opinion am I trying to impress? All the people who were supposed to matter to me have either turned their backs on me or left and moved on. Quite frankly I could kill myself just to spite them all.

I cought a 375 ml bottle of Tanduay Dark rhum and drank the entire thing down in 3 minutes, wanting to escape the pain, the loss, this life, even for just a few hours. But all it did was bring up more memories, and I ended up crying long and loud about how I still missed you, how much I still loved you, and asking why you left me.

Pathetic. I'm supposed to be over you. Alcohol is not supposed to do that.

I crawled to the toilet and threw up, and collapsed on the floor. As the bottle of Rhum was slowly and surely crashing down on me I wasn't even able to pick my head up from the floor anymore, so I ended up merely vomitting as I lay, my face in a puddle of my own vomit.

Last night was the absolute LOWEST point in my life, and I have you to thank for that.

Thank you, you bastard.

Pathetic aren't I? You have nothing to do with this. You are no longer responsible for me, or my feelings. I know that. Hurting myself will not make you come running back into my arms swearing loyalty forever, I know that too. And yet, I was driven to do it. Becuase it just fucking HURTS so much and I'm running out of ways to distract myself and dull the pain.

Now I have no lover, No family. No job. in the span of a month. And you're going off sleeping with other people in Los Banos and being happy.

How DARE you be happy while I'm still here like this?

And I'm here. alone.

The anger just keeps growing. I don't want it to, but it is.

I hate you.

You hurt me more and deeper than anyone has ever hurt me in my entire life. I loved you with all my heart, never stopped loving you, depsite the pain you put me through, and one day you just told me you wanted your freedom from the burden that is me.

I don't know how, but somehow from the time you dumped me I've lost my lover, my family, my sanity, my self-respect, my confidence in myself, and how my job. I've lost my fucking LIFE, god damn it.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for doing this to me. Believe me, a part of me still wants to, but I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I never want to see you again.

I hate you Nelz.

I hope you die.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Life got in the way
(Sister Hazel)

We knew it all from a little thing
It was everything in our first minute
And it took us to another place
Yeah another place and we fell in it
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away
We adored every little thing
Every little thing would leave us breathless
Every dawn spelled another day
And in another day we weren't so restless
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away

And I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

We walked around in a heavy haze
We were stuck in days of so much warring
We got lost in a tricky maze
Yeah a tricky maze that was so scarring
How come you can’t remember
How dare you walk away
Then you start to add the little things
Add the little things and trip the mighty
Now we got a little bitter thing
A little bitter thing that grew like ivy
And how dare you not remember
How dare you walk away

And I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

Yeah and apathy grows quietly
Where rapture used to fly
Oh and promises and certainty
Have left love here to die
Won’t you stay
And don’t let this one fall away

And I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

Yeah and I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

Yeah well life got in the way

I've forgotten the power that simple pop songs hold. You go about your day, just trying to breathe in and out, and that one song plays on the radio, with a chorus that perfectly encapsulates what you are feeling and where you are at just that moment, and it reminds you that you are not alone, someone else feels your pain, and that it's not so bad, and that things will be better.

That's power right there. And it's time for me to reclaim my own.

Songs are coming. I can feel them in me. I just hope I have the discipline and skill to do them justice.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

N is for Nicotine

It's been difficult, especially when he first dumped me, to not go to his blog and check up on him. The one time I gave in and took a peek, I was subjected to a lovely little entry about him flirting with 2 of his officemates and fantasizing about doing them both in the elevator, and how the thought of that made his dick hard. (of course, by mentioning his blog I have probably directed a few more readers to click there after reading this one. You're very welcome, ____ ).

It's unhealthy of course, and encapsulated most beautifully by Katrice who likened it to the digital version of driving by the place where I met him, or parking in front of his house (which I regretfully admit I was guilty of the last time this happened to me). And unlike actually driving which requires some effort, going there is a mere 8 keystrokes away and hitting 'enter'.

This is compounded by the fact that I do a lot of surfing as a hobby. It's replaced TV as my number one escape. I briefly thought about moving away from the internet for a bit, but then I thought why the hell should I 'let' him have this territory? I was a net surfer before ever meeting him. I'm fucking through giving him stuff, and sure as hell wasn't going to let him have this as well. So quitting the net was out.

I tried thinking about an accurate way to describe it, and I thought about likening it to quitting cigarettes (albeit I never smoked) it requires an almost-constant state of concentration on top of anxiety to go about your day without reaching for a stick, because it was so a part of your daily life before. It was that analogy that gave me what has been so far the most effective way of staying on the wagon.

I told myself that the moment I check on his blog while I'm still not totally okay with him and his dumping me, I have to start smoking. Real smoking. As in: not just holding the tip on my mouth and letting it burn, but sucking in that carcinogenic smoke in my lungs, holding it in, letting the nicotine flood my system and becoming hopelessly dependent on it, and finally finish by blowing out a putrid, gray, tar-filled muck (no offense to y'all smokers out there). The first time I do it I don't stop until I finish an entire fucking pack.

It's the same principle, really: I know it's bad for me, I know it will cause me (in this case, emotional) harm, it is habit forming, and I still choose to do it? As the old saying goes: May tawag dyan. ("there's a word for that")

Associating my inherent disgust for those cancer sticks (again, no offense to smokers) to my anger with ____ has been very effective. Whenever I think to myself "maybe I'll just take a quick peek..." I stop and tell myself one word: CIGARETTES. I haven't looked since.

Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but thank God for tobacco.


It's a little less than 36 hours before my date, and I am excited, believe me. But my current feelings also fill me with concern.

First off: the 'rebound' issue. Yes, this is good for me, but what about for Rhon? Although I haven't met him yet, he seems to be a very nice person. And he is quite honest in saying that he is looking for a real relationship, and not just another tryst. In another time I would be all over this guy, but right now?...

The best way to describe how I currently feel (and I'm still trying how to verbalize it properly to him on saturday when we meet) is that I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment. The way I feel that is because of two reasons. The first is that I think jumping from one relationship to another in the span of weeks just seems to me a Very Bad Idea. The other is because the previous one was just so god damned exhausting.

I went out and gave my all, in that I made the effort to befriend all of his friends (as in truly befriend them not just make acquantances) and integrate myself into his circle so as to make it easier for him. Don't get me wrong, some of the friends I've made will long outlast ____. But they did come at the expense of moving away from some of my own friends.

I just feel right now that I have to be a little selfish for myself for a change, after 15 months of giving my all for someone else. And I don't feel like making that level of effort and commitment. Maybe not now, maybe not ever again. But I do want to see him and get to know him, to see if there is something to be found there. Does that make sense?

I don't want to end up hurting him because of my own issues, and I definitely don't want to blow my chances with him in case he is someone who is a good fit for me, just because the timing isn't right. I really do want to go out with Rhon for myself, not to get back at ____ or anything petty like that.

Looking back on it, that was one of the mistakes I made, giving too much of myself for the other (while the other did not reciprocate nowhere near as much). I'm going to be a bit more guarded and selfish the next time around. My worry is that I might swing too far in the opposite direction and become this closed, utterly self-centered individual.

But another concern, and this is the bigger one, has been my own reactions to his gestures. During texting, he has been very sweet to me, saying things like 'at least I can read your texts, it feels like you're here with me na' it's awfully touching, but part of me is thinking "you don't even know me yet, and you're already saying these things?" part of me wants to already move back.

I don't get it. I love affection. I crave it. Why the hell am I shying away? You know what was the first thing that came into my mind when I read what he wrote? I thought to myself, "That's very......SWEET". but the thing was, I didn't mean it as a complement, more as a statement of the facts. I wasn't swayed by what should have veen a very tender gesture. If anything, part of me wanted to pull away.

And all of this was sounding awfully familiar. Except that I was on the other end of this transaction. Showering ____ with affection and love at every turn, going out of my way to make sure that he felt loved, especially when it looked like he was particularly down. And I can remember what he would say to me. "You're very sweet." But....... the way he said it, it didn't feel like he mean it as a complement. He said it the way one would say something like "You're very tall". or "Your shirt is black"

And here I was now, in front of an extremely kind person, who is showering me with affection, and I find myself reacting with indifference at best, apprehension at worst. Fully intending to withold parts of myself from him, even as he seems so open and ready to give.

Am I turning into....... him?

That thought chilled me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

What the?....

I have a date on saturday. Yes, I am just as surprised as you. I asked my friend Robert to set me up with someone, not really expecting anything. But lo and behold, yesterday morning he sent me a friendster profile of an extremely cute, chunky guy named Rhon.

Naturally, as soon as I felt myself getting attracted to the guy my inherent anxieties started kicking in. What if he didn't like me? What if I wasn't his type? How could I ever hope to snag someone as cute as him? As you can probably surmise, being dumped and shattering my self-esteem into millions of tiny shards did just a wee bit of damage to my confidence.

Fast forward to the afternoon. After some frantic last-minute advice from Robert, I took a deep breath and began texting him. We exchanged pleasantries and so forth. With him being a disadvantage because I had seen his profile and he had not seen mine, he proceeded to ask me stuff about myself. I answered as honestly and as hype-free as I could. I told him everything that there was about myself.

First I said that I owned my own business, which at the very least turns a profit (as small as it may be). I mentioned that I'm in the rock scene, where I continually surprise people when they find out that I am gay. I told him that I also lift weights, and finally I mentioned that along with owning my own business, I also play in a rock band at the side, as the vocalist/rhythm guitarist/main songwriter.

Note that at every point of this exchange I was continually stressing to him that although this all sounded good on paper (or text screen, whatever) to please not get his hopes up too much so as to avoid a disappointment later on, and that if he wanted I could rattle off a long list of my flaws to balance it out. Didn't matter though, by the end of it he was dying to talk to me on the phone later that night (which we did) and have dinner and a movie with me this coming saturday.

Believe me, no one is more surprised than I am. This is probably an isolated case, but getting that date was way, way easier than I expected. I barely had to do anything to sell myself; just told him the facts, with plenty of self-deprecating remarks to boot. And he was asking me to go out with him.

It may be egotistical of me to enjoy this, but it's really, really what I need right now. It made me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm not the horrible loser with nothing to offer that made ____ decide to not want me anymore.

I'm still stunned over how easy it was to get the guy to go out with me.

Is this what it feels like to be desirable?....

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

(from the musical Last Five Years)

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things,
That you swore to be true?
What about you, Jamie?
What about you?

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting

Music, Lyrics ang Book: Jason Robert Brown

Thank you to Nikka for the song, and for everything else she and Paul has given me lately. You've helped keep me sane.

Monday, January 12, 2004


Blasted friends. Cheering me up and making me eat again. Am going to gain back all the weight that I lost (and the one benefit of this entire ordeal) at this rate.

Thank God for friends. They are there for you when faulty lovers fail you.


There's so much hate in me right now.

So much hate. So much anger. At HIM.

And telling me that no one is at fault only makes the anger worse, because it makes it sound that I have no right to be feeling this way, that I am a horrible, bitter person to have the gall to be angry.

It doesn't make the anger go away, it only doubles it over with guilt.

So much anger. I'm not like this. I'm not.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

Somebody save me.

It Was Nothing That You Said
(Julia Fordham)

You had me right there in the palm of you hand
With your fingers locked in mine
And with a little sweet talking
I'd've clung on for all time

It was nothing that you said
It was everything you didn't say
And all the tears I've shed
Won't wash the pain away

We had our moment it was golder than gold
It was solid through and through
And in that moment if you'd given the word
I'd've followed you, followed you

Misunderstanding number one
I thought that you were bigger than me
Misunderstanding number two
I thought that I could find myself in you

Measure of a Man
(Clay Aiken)

If one day you discover him
broken down he's lost everything
no cars, no fancy clothes to make him who he's not
the woman at his side is all that he has got

Why do you ask him move heaven and earth
To prove his love has worth?

Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
When it's down to the wire
Would he give his life up
To be all he can
Is that, is that, is that
How you measure a man

If by chance all he has to give you
Was three words wrapped around your finger
Would that be deep enough at the end of everyday
and how will you ever know if a man is what he says

Why do you ask him move heaven and earth
To prove his love has worth?

Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
When it's down to the wire
Would he give his life up
To be all he can
Is that, is that, is that
How you measure a man

He'd never give up
Let go of his dreams
his world goes around
for his one true belief
Is that how you know
Is that what it means

Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
Will he be your anchor when a dark unfolds
Will he always love you the best that he knows
Would he give his life up
To be all he can
Is that, is that, is that
How you measure a man

Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
When it's down to the wire
Would he give his life up
To be all he can
Is that, is that, is that
How you measure...

Is that, is that, is that
How you measure a man

I didn't even plan on listening to it too much, but once I heard the chorus the tears just started flowing. How much is one supposed to give to another to keep him happy? I gave all that I was able to, and more.

And it still wasn't enough.

You Oughta Know
(Alanis Morissette)

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Its scary how appropriate this song is for me right now.

Saturday, January 10, 2004


I have talked to so many people after this happened. I have gone from philosophical to angry to anguished and I know I will survive, but currently one thought dominates my soul that feels like a punch to the chest. There are some facts that I cannot let go of.

I loved Nelz. The fact is that I loved him intensely and during the span of the relationship never, ever stopped loving.

Despite whatever reasons he gave me about why his passion for me faded, the fact is that it did.

The fact is that no matter what ones' flaws are, if you TRULY love someone, all the flaws in the world would be like specks of dust.

Somewhere along the line, a part of him decided that it was no longer worth the effort to love me.

All the effort, all the love I poured in, for all this time, and it ultimately amounted to nothing. The temptation is there to give into hate. Hating him for dumping me. Hating myself for loving him so unquestioningly. Just hating myself for not being enough. Just HATING.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

Thursday, January 08, 2004


I am standing on a cusp of a decision that will utlimately change every aspect of me and my life.

When you next see me you may not recognize me at all.

Dear Nelz,

I was writing my latest entry in my journal today at 5:30 am (I've been losing sleep and not eating right, in-between all of this I will most probably return to svelteness and body fit clothes before I know it) writing about how I feel.

Presently it is dominated by a feeling of emptiness in the middle of my chest, just like you at the time. I hope that's a sign I'm slowly making my peace with it.

I've been thinking about what you said, about independence, about standing on my own two feet, about making my own decisions, and about how you saw I was -- what was the word you used? -- still connected to my family. I have to admit I was thrown for a loop by that one, were you basically telling me that I had to break ties with my family, to be free from them -- not to cut off all contact, but as you saw it the binds that held me?

I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. And what I said last night, about having to take care of my family, about not seeing myself leaving the Philippines, it was all true. But I couldn?t help wondering if it was a crutch, a lie. (you said yourself, this was something I had to think about and not give an immediate answer)

I tentatively told my mother about it, how you saw my familial 'binds' as the reason for your losing your love for me. I asked her flat out if in ten years heaven forbid she was gone, if RC and Angelica would need someone to take care of them; would I need to be there. She said if it came to that, Angelica would already be out of college (hopefully) and if worse came to worse, by then Marco would be able to help RC finish his studies.

This did not sit with me well, obviously, because it means that I DID use them as a crutch last night. But it was what she said afterwards that truly opened my eyes.

She started to get teary eyed and told me that the things she's leaving for me, for my bothers and sisters, she knows in her heart that she earned them through her hard work, and that she felt right about leaving them to us.


She then said that she could not bear the thought of the fruits of her labor (read: my inheritance) eventually going to people she has no connection to (read: my adopted child, if I ever planned to have one). It was obviously a flawed argument, because three of her four kids were adopted, but her point was I guess that if the children in question were not going to come from her blood (or more accurately I guess, from a STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIP) I had no business leaving any of her hard-earned wealth to them and I should just will it back to my "real" siblings.

It was a cold splash of water in my face. You were right about binds; here was my mother telling me how and what to do with my assets (which would have been built from her labors, but I myself would have done my work in turn on them, does that not make them mine?). That even from beyond the grave, she still sought to determine my actions.

Perhaps its that she was never pressed into this corner before and had to say what was in her mind. I sincerely hope that I DIDN'T know this was the case, and that I haven't been lying to myself all this time. But the fact that she was basically telling me to leave my own children in the dust? The sheer coldness of that act was the final straw.

Please believe me when I say that I believed Hotstix was a business that I thought was entrusted to me to take care of, that it was a viable entity of its' own, something that did not need me. And now, I'm proud to say that after 3 years, after many bumps on the road, it HAS grown into something that turns a profit, and would survive quite fine without me if I was suddenly struck by lightning.

But with this?... I told my mother flat out that if this business was simply one of the 'assets' you had given me that would be tied back to her that I couldn't do anything with, then we should go to the store this morning and tell everyone that we're shutting down. And that if you really were planning on putting that horrid instruction into your will, or simply serious about you said, then you shouldn't leave me a DAMN thing and just leave it to your other "real" *cough* children. (Note that this was all said in a non-yelling voice, albeit with heated emotions.)

I stood there, a million things running through me head, having one of those moments where one is about to make a major decision that will affect how one's life goes. I told her that it was not going to happen now, obviously, but I was going to move out. Not just geographically, but that I really did have to sever ties with this family.

Not to cut off contact, but to leave myself free that I would be bound by any such dictates as that she placed upon me. I will have to really set out and earn my own living, away from Hotstix, away from her. To that effect, the ice cream parlor I was planning will have to die for now, because it would have been built once again by her finances and technically part of "her" assets.

Unlike the first time I moved out in anger and suddenly, I was calmly telling her that this was what I was planning to do, and that it was final. And to just to start, I probably will move to Quezon Avenue. I know, I know I told her, it is a mere shadow of independence because it is still family property (though in defense to myself so is your apartment) and for the moment I will still be in Hotstix, drawing my meager salary. And That I will see her pa rin. But the value of this action is that it's a START.

To be honest with you, I DON'T know what I'm going to do, and it's scary. Graphic design is not my calling, neither is drawing for a living. Music will remain my passion/hobby. Perhaps culinary arts, as I seem to have a knack and genuine enjoyment for it, but not as a 'hobby' which make me happy the way music does and drawing once did, so there isn't that risk of me turning my back on it if it fails me. I don't know yet what I want to do, what I CAN do. But living apart from everyone and paying my own way ought to hopefully fuel me to figure something out.

I don't hold it against my mother. Even know as she thinks I'm "blaming god" for what has happened (not true, not true) I think she thinks that I'll go back to Sunday mass now and that everything will go back to normal. She even had the gall to suggest I try going out with GIRLS again because I might LIKE it. (there are................ no words) I can proudly say that I listened to her say all of this and did not blow my top. :)

I don't even hold it against her for the whole inheritance thing. Because she does have a right to it. It's her right to do with her property as she sees fit. As it is mine to say that I want nothing to do with it if that's the case.

I don't know where I'll be in ten years. Inside of me I still feel that Manila will be my home, but then again last night I thought that I would stay with my family. Right now, I need to be able to imbue myself with the abilities to truly move where I choose to be. Whether that is here or in a place like San Francisco, I do not know. Who knows, maybe that scenario you talked about WILL come true; and we'll meet again wherever. Who knows.

I only wish this had happened before we met. Maybe then we could have made it work, and you would not have lost what you felt for me. But one can not, MUST NOT, worry about things that might have been and dwell over what has been lost. One can only move forward, and look towards what the future has in store for me.

And now, perhaps for the first time, I truly am.

With Love as a friend, love as a former lover, love forever,
- Ian


Talked to Nelz last night after a heated exchange, where this time everything was laid on the table. I think the last time we talked, I still had hopes, however remote, about resurrecting the relationship, somehow, sometime. Perhaps it was shock, perhaps denial, I don't know. At the time I felt blank because it really did feel I was in limbo.

But events were set off on Wednesday that led to the realization being finally driven home that yes, he did leave me, that he no longer wanted me, and he wasn't coming back. A swirling tempest of emotions ensued where I went from furious to terrified to philosophical to lustful to angry again, sometimes all in the span of minutes. Thoughts ran in my head about how this could have happened and if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, for the explanation he gave me, while gentle, was not enough.

I guess I needed more of a reason, just so I wouldn't keep from going mad by dwelling on it for the rest of my life. Basically it all comes down to what he was unable to accept from me. And while I wholeheartedly believe in giving oneself for the one you love, I too must have the condition where the person should accept me for who I am, with no demands for change. Any changes that may occur have to come because I decided on it, not because of outside forces.

It's one of those cases where things had simply reached an impasse, and neither one was willing to move any further. He could not accept me for who I was. I was not willing to change myself for his benefit. Both have their own points, and they simply cannot coexist. Things simply cannot go on anymore as they are. Neither one is at fault, neither one is to blame.

And it was that realization, that I really didn't do anything wrong, is what set me free.

Right now, I'm not angry anymore. There is sadness, over that can no longer be. And over what was lost. And fear. That I will never find anyone like Nelz again, and that I will be alone. But most of all, there is a feeling of emptiness in the middle of my chest; something that Nelz has written about saying where he already is. It's like something has been ripped out of me, and it's just a big gaping hollowness. But it's accompanied by the realization that I will get better, and that I'll be fine, eventually.

But for now, I will just be.

At last

As this chapter of life doth ends its' breadth
Our season's time is done
Committed now to memory
To someday look back upon
Both sorry that it's over
But knew this time would come
I'm grateful to have known you
It's time now to move on.

              - Jan 8, 2004

Pain fades. Love endures.

I'll be okay.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Truly, one of the absolute worst mornings of my life

I stayed awake last night until 3 in the morning, talking to Katrice on the phone about just about anything and everything, to distract myself on the current events in my life.

Then I went to bed, and had myself an innocently bizzarre dream involving TV sketch shows, badminton, and Canadian-Brazilian parades.

Then I dreamt I got a text from Nelz's brother Dennis (no such brother exists) telling me that Nelz's cel is busted, so he's sending this text through him, and that he was sorry. I then received a fax spattered with kare-kare sauce, from Nelz. After wiping away the thick brown gravy and sitaw, I tried reading it out.

The fax said that his family had to move somewhere far away from Manila; from here, from me, from our relationship, and that he had to go with them. And that he was sorry. And that he loved me.

At seeing the words "I love you" on that sauce-streaked piece of paper, I instinctively reached for my cel phone -- my real one this time -- to call him.

The phone was already in my hands and the lamp on when I woke up and realized it was a dream.

And then I woke up some more, and remembered that Nelz had already left me.

I spent about 5 minutes after that covering my face with my hands.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004


No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by work.

And no one falls out love love by chance, it is by choice.

Monday, January 05, 2004

You're 28 years old. What have you accomplished?

Well, I've just found out that the company I built from the ground up; from concept to completion, had gross sales last year amounting to P2 million.

Not too shabby.

Nothing Really Matters

When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one

Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me

Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one

I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me

Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light

You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Let me go

Home, home is like an open road
Where you will always find
Whatever you've been looking for
And grace, always in a hollow place
I will never change and I will always stay my way

People scatter, when loves the matter
I won't let it show

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I can't take that rejection again
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own

Way, I never thought I'd change my ways
It was an angry thought
That made me turn the other way
And I, I wanna be like that again
When I know there's hope
And hope will always find a friend

People scatter, when loves the matter
I won't let it show

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I won't take that rejection
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own way home

Let me go
Let me go away again
Let me change my direction
I won't take that rejection
Let me go, let me go
I'll find my own way home

Somewhere Down The Road
(Barry Manilow)

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay,

But Somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
will come to see
That you belong with me

Sometimes goodbyes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone
I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home

But Somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
will come to see
That you belong with me

Letting go is just another way to say
I'll always love you so.

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come

Cause somewhere down the road.

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