Saturday, February 28, 2004


Nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninoo nooninooBLEAAAAARRGGH.

I hate sunday aftenoons. Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em.

Friday, February 27, 2004

(Indigo Girls)

Dark clouds are coming in like an army
Soon the sky will open up and disarm me
You will go just like you've gone before, one sad soldier off to war
With enemies that only you can see

The dishes stacked the table cleared
It's always like the scene of the Last Supper here
You speak so cryptically, but that's not news to me
The flood is here it'll carry you, and I've got work to do

Come on home
The team you're hitched top has a mind of its' own
It's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Come back here and shut the door
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles

There is fire and there is lust
Some would trade it all for someone they could trust
There's a bag of silver for a box of nails, it's so simple the betrayal
Though it's known to change the world and what's to come

Come on home
The team you're hitched to has a mind of its' own
It's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Don't you recognize them anymore
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your trouble

There's the given and the expected
I count my blessings while I eye what I've neglected
Is this for better, is this for worse
You're all jammed up and the dam's about to burst

I hear the owl in the night
I realize that some things never are made right
By some will we string together here
Days to months and months to years

But what if everything we have adds up to nothing?

(Indigo Girls, from the new album All That We Let In)

Won't have you see me as your sad sack
Lost my something and I can't get it back
Or a kill on your trophy rack
I checked my schedule now my train is rolling down a track

Past the sadness of the salt flats
To the prospect of the land fat
Or just a lazy orange house cat
On the sofa where I'll be put up

You've been the hole in my sky, my shrinking water supply
Before my well runs dry
I'm going round round round the bend
Fill it up again

I'd like to say that it was clear to me
Love triangle geometry
But in the end it's still a mystery
The placement of affection and the disarray

I gathered up the courage that it took
Made that bed and took one last look
And you could hear the pages flapping in the wind blown
Book of my days, my days

You've been the hole in my sky, my shrinking water supply
Before my well runs dry
I'm going round round round the bend
Fill it up again

One tank gone second thoughts are on my mind
What's this trip gonna cost me this time
Thh devil I know is starting to look awfully kind
But the new road is an old friend

I fill it up again.


I'm disappointed. That's two strikes now. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to give you a third. Nikka says I'm being too demanding at this early a stage in... WHATEVER this is. That I should have said I was out with friends and didn't care either way. But I WASN'T out with friends that night, and letting you think that I was okay with what you pulled will only enable you to do it again. And again. And again.


Simply put, I don't believe in doing that to others, and I will NOT tolerate anyone doing that to me. You're cute, but you're not that cute. And I'm trying this new thing that I think -- no, that I KNOW -- was lacking the first time around: It's called a backbone. A.k.a. NOT being a doormat.

It's sad, really; to see how a person can go from 'nice' to 'asshole' in 60 seconds.

And it's empowering to be able to say "I don't want this" and move on.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

(Sheryl Crow)

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

The first cut is the deepest baby i know
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...


Massachusetts Supreme Court orders all citizens to gay marry

BOSTON—Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order nullifies all pre-existing heterosexual marriages and lays the groundwork for the 2.4 million compulsory same-sex marriages that will take place in the state by May 15.

"As we are all aware, it's simply not possible for gay marriage and heterosexual marriage to co-exist," Massachusetts Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall said. "Our ruling in November was just the first step toward creating an all-gay Massachusetts."

more here

Yeah, that's right. That's our plan, and now that it's finally in motion, it's okay to admit it, because there's nothing all you heteros can do about it! Once we establish gay marriage, the very concept of marriage will crumble like a dry oatmeal cookie!

Naturally, allowing gay people to marry will of course open the door to making polygamy, adultery, incest and and other perversions more acceptable to the mainstream because as any homophobe will tell you, there's no difference between them anyway.

Nikka, you're my friend, and I love you dearly, but you'll have to call off your engagement with Paul and hook up with Regina!! Don't worry though, I'll make sure Paul is...... *ominous pause of menace*....... well taken care of. Muhuhahahahahaha!!

And we won't stop until we turn the entire PLANET gay! All the religious right wackos, and conservatives, and the Pope were RIGHT all along!! But now it's too late! And there's nothing you all can do about it! NOTHING!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

*insert more evil laughter here*

Disclaimer: All news on theonion.com is FAKE. Not real. Fiction. Played for laughs. Untrue. Ludicrious headlines are all made up. Do not make the mistake of thinking they are genuine. Think this disclaimer is unnecessary? You'd be surprised.


Hong Kong is a no go. The business thing that was supposed to happen there has fallen through, thus there is no longer a need to travel there. I'm disappointed, of course, but not overly so. A vacation I didn't really expect doesn't push through, no biggie there. My one regret there is that I don't get to see Ben & Jerry's, more so than any other Hong Kong landmark.

However, on that department, I've finally gotten off my figurative butt -- because in actuality, all I've been doing is staying on my butt because, y'know, I'm in front of the computer. Anyway. -- and done some research. It's all nothing but planning and thiniking at this point. I'm searching and weighing my options, and right now it's the one with most of what I want in one place.

I did check out CCA and after reviewing their curriculum, I decided that it did not offer what I wanted to learn (and at P350K for a certificate, you had better be DAMN sure that's what you want). But that does not mean I've given up on furthering myself. This option offers more of what I want in terms of equipment, training, and artisan sensibility. Plus, when I'm done, there are so many beautiful places to visit.

Italy might just be in my future.



"Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love."

- Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), from Sex and the City's series finale


(Re-la-shun-shit) noun

1. A toxic coupling that is ultimately detrimental to one or both people involved. Ex: "For 18 months I was in a relationshit with a guy who kept himself emotionally unavailable."

2. Person of dysfunction that is conducive to aforementioned toxic couplings. Ex: "If that piece of relationshit put as much effort into us as he did into his journal, we'd probably still be together."

Just call me Mr. Carrie Bradshaw.


"Person you wish you could see right now - Tie, between 2 people who have currently captured my imagination yet have eluded my acquaintance. For now."

And after last night, I can change that number to just one person now. Hmmmmmm..........

I find you interesting. Decidedly average in the looks department. But after my previous experience, I am now wary of eye candy, which can be used to mask an ugly interior. Kind? Going by first impressions, most definitely. Big plus there. Ability to maintain a long term relationship? Four years is an impressive achievement.

Part of me wanted to go home with you that very night, but you mentioned you didn't do one night stands. While my libido was disappointed, the relationshippy part of me definitely took that into consideration. Of course, it may all just be one big line, but you're on good ground right now.

I still want to meet #2 on my list; but let's see where this goes.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004


Got this from Jason's blog:

Wallet - Brown leather McJim-brand wallet, newly bought to replace ratty (and memory-laden) old one
Hairbrush - Don't use one (fingers and gel are the way to go)
Toothbrush - Fairly new, used regularly and well
Jewelry worn daily - Silver cross necklace I got in Baguio a few years ago that I've never taken off except to have it polished
Pillow cover - Uhm... *looks* pale yellow with "snooz" written on it
Coffee Cup - Glass Starbucks' mug I got from my brother 2 Christmases ago
Sunglasses - Don't wear sunglasses, I think my eyes are my one of my best features (which isn't saying much, I know...)
Underwear - Standard white jockeys
Favorite shirt - Flattering bluish-black ribbed shirt that accentuates my physique yet hides my flab
Cologne/Perfume - None, don't have a B.O. problem.

In my mouth - Saliva
In my head - "I'm horny."
Wishing - For indifference over Mr. Bignose.
After this - Turn off computer, wash up and go to sleep
Fetishes - Stocky physique, blonde hair, blue eyes, nice feet and a hairy chest
Person you wish you could see right now - Tie, between 2 people who have currently captured my imagination yet have eluded my acquaintance. For now.
Is next to you - No one. It's 2 in the morning.
Some of your favorite movies - Spaceballs. Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Notting Hill ("some people really do stay together forever...")
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - Meeting one or both of 'Persons that wish I could see right now'
The last thing you ate - Flourless chocolate brownies from Mandarin Oriental buffet: Rich, thick, chewy and absolutely sinful.
Something that you are afraid of - Never finding someone to love and be loved by.
Do you like candles - Indifferent.
Do you like incense - Not really.
Do you like the taste of blood - No, except in dinuguan
Do you believe in love - Absofuckinglutely.
Do you believe in soul mates - Yes, but I believe they're ultra-super-mega rare, something like one in a billion. Because otherwise the idea that every person out there has a soulmate that we in most likelihood will NEVER meet? Is damn depressing.
Do you believe in love at first sight - Yes. But I haven't experienced it yet. Mistook it for lust. I imagine a lot of people have done the same thing.
Do you believe in Heaven - I want to.
Do you believe in God - Yes. Despite all the shit that's on this Earth, there are things that exist that are just too damn beautiful to have been an accident.
What do you want done with your body when you die - Trick question; I plan to live forever. Barring that: cremation, and my ashes spread somewhere that is meaningful to me. I want to be remembered through my accomplishments as a person, not by some big ostentatious edifice. Burial is environmentally unsustainable.
Who is your worst enemy - Myself.
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - Assuming they are ultra-tame and devoted to me? Mythical: Winged Dragon that can breathe fire. Real: A Dolphin that I could swim with in the sea.
What is the latest you've ever stayed up - uhm, a little over 36 hours, the night before thesis presentation. I proceeded to blank out during my presentation, which is why I've always made sure to get plenty of sleep ever since.
Can you eat with chopsticks - Yes. Especially the part where you shovel rice from a bowl into your mouth.
What's your favorite coin - Old-school sexagonal 2 peso coin.
What are some of your favorite animals - Dogs, for their sheer loyalty and unconditional love. Cats, for their sensuousness and innate killer instinct. Dolphins for their beauty and intelligence.
What's something that you wish people would understand - That gay people, loving the same sex aside, are just like everyone else: flawed, vulnerable, and every bit as capable of love as heterosexuals.
What's something you wish you could understand better - The complexities of attraction and human relationships, specifically gay ones, which occupy a whole other strata of complicatedness.


Thanks to Nikka for this one:

After a While
By Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

After a while...


Buddha Bondat

Me doing my very best buddha impression in Bangkok's Temple of Dawn. The resemblance is uncanny, don't you think? I'm beginning to think I may have been a Thai guardsman in a former life. The only thing missing is the staff.

I've gotten thinner since then. Honest.



Taken in the Safari World nature park in Bangkok last Christmas. I guess I can say that I know what it's like to be kissed by something big and hairy with bad breath.

On an unrelated note, I also now know what it's like to be kissed by an Orangutan.

Monday, February 23, 2004


I don't even remember when I wrote this. I was looking through my songbook folder for the chords of my songs to print out for reference to our new guitarist, and I found this poem/song that I must have written in one go in a fit of emotion (which I almost never do, most of my songs are careful, thought-out affairs done over a longish period of time) and proceeded to forget about it.

It's still a very rough, unfinished work. Some of the word choices are iffy, I'm not sure how it flows as a song, and there's no melody fitted to it yet, but all in all, I think there's a potential song to be mined here. I guess I never went back to this song after I first wrote it because perhaps back then, I didn't have the emotional motivation to complete a piece like this. Not a problem now.

I'm not saying anything new to anyone who regularly reads this blog, but the problems in my relationship with Mr. Bignose (one of these days I'll get around to explaining that nomenclature, needless to say Sex and the City has a lot to do with it) were way more glaring in hindsight, but I chose to overlook/work through them because I was In Love. Sometimes, that approach works, but only if the other person is just as willing to do the same, AND work towards fixing what's wrong. Which obviously, was not the case.

It's amazing what things you overlook in retrospect.


Feeling bad
Waking up I wanna stay in
But you gotta get to work

Spread butter on my toast
People asking me what’s the matter
except the one who matters most

Don’t tell me how to feel
On what I can or cant conceal
On what emotion I should be
I have a right to my misery

I’m trapped underneath the barrel
And the reason your insides are black and Blue
Doesn’t feel the need to talk to you
Cant we even talk this through?
I just want to talk this through

I know I’ll get over this
Just not right now you’ll see
Cant you just talk to me?
Let me work through this
I’ll make it through Eventually

Just give me time
Why don't we talk
Can't we talk
Can we have time?
Do we have time?

I just wanna talk this through

The world doesn’t get to stop
just ‘cause you didn’t get your way
Just hope that tomorrow won’t be another
Bad day
Bad day

The world doesn’t get to stop
Just ‘cause you didn’t get your way
best I can hope for is to not to pass around
My bad day

Sunday, February 22, 2004


You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum (Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire. His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optimism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations.

You have a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Replace "optimism" with "naivete", and "determined" with "stubborn", and that would be about right, I guess.

Dixie Chicks

I made a promise to myself
Locked it away deep down inside
Told my heart we'd wait it out
Swore we'd never compromise
Oh I'd rather be alone
Like I am tonight
Than settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice
Today i got the answer
And there's a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it

I believe in love, I believe in love
A love that's real, love that's strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes I believe in love

Yes I believe in love.

Saturday, February 21, 2004


Let Love Rule

Some notable quotes from Chicago Mayor Richard Daley:

"They're your doctors, your lawyers, your journalists, your politicians. They're someone's son or daughter. They're someone's mother or father. . . . I've seen people of the same sex adopt children, have families. [They're] great parents.

"Some people have a difference of opinion -- that only a man and a woman can get married. But in the long run, we have to understand what they're saying. They love each other just as much as anyone else.''

A devout Catholic, Daley scoffed at the suggestion that gay marriage would somehow undermine the institution of marriage between a man and a woman:

"Marriage has been undermined by divorce, so don't tell me about marriage. You're not going to lecture me about marriage. People should look at their own life and look in their own mirror. Marriage has been undermined for a number of years if you look at the facts and figures on it. Don't blame the gay and lesbian, transgender and transsexual community. Please don't blame them for it," he said.

Keep up the fight, guys.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004


This blog comes up #1 in a search for "imodo" on google's search engine (despite there being an actual "imodo.com" under construction). Yay me! I'd say it's another step towards world domination, but that's Jessica Zafra's line. I'll come up with my own tagline eventually.

For now, "In my own damn opinion" will suffice.


Mensch (N) - a decent responsible person with admirable characteristics. Yiddish in origin.


Ben & Jerry's ice cream, which I base all my flavors and ideas on (crazy names, wierd combinations, chock full of fillings) has several branches in Hong Kong. Come on, which sounds more appetizing, "Chocolate Chip" & "Pistachio Almond", or "Karamel Sutra" & "Makin' Whoopie Pie"?

When I put up my own ice cream cafe, I want it to be based on Ben & Jerry's. Haagen-Dazs is too pretentious, and Baskin-Robbins (which tried, but failed to gain a foothold here) isn't as fun. I plan to go to their stores and observe everything; from the color scheme to the decor all the way down to the color of their tiles. And eat ice cream. Lots and lots and lots of ice cream.

I guess I should start doing extra cardio already.


Hong Kong has been moved to March. Which is nothing but good for me, because it gives me more time to pack & prepare, plus I don't miss Kris & Vin's birthday party for their first kid on the 25th.

I'm frustrated right now because although it doesn't look like it from the dearth of postings on this blog, but there are so many issues I want to address, while the feelings are still there.

I want to write about the completion of the 355 series, on one night stands and what I've learned from them about sex, love and myself.

I want to write about what I'm doing now, in an update over what I've said I did during my whole breakdown (quitting my job, vowing to move out, etc).

I want to write about how I've been coping, how it hasn't really been all that effective, and my conversation with Charmaine who suggested a different approach which I am trying now; the verdict on whether or not it's successful is still out, but at least it's not as emotionally draining, just more painful.

I want to write about the horrible things that I told my mother when I was in anguish over the whole thing and looking for someone to blame. I'm deeply ashamed of them, but I want to write about them if nothing else as a form of penitance, to promise the world and myself to never let something like that happen again.

I want to write about my family history, about how much my family and my mother has sacrificed for me, and how I had really no right to do what I did. And that If I were to compare notes with Mr. Bignose about angst-filled upbringing, I had more right to come out cynical, angry and wounded than he ever did, yet, I'm not the one turning my back on the people I'm supposely loving.

I want to write about an advice column that I stumbled on when I was still reeling and confused and in shock over what and how to feel, and how the letter writer had a problem that was eerily similar to mine. She crystallized for me exactly what sins nelson committed, things that were uncategorically wrong, let me realize that I actually had the right to be angry & hurt, and it was okay to feel that way.

So much to tell. So much to write. No time to write it in.

I'll get to it. All in time.


Just 10 mintues ago:

THE MOM: On Feb. 25 to the 27th, we'll be going to Hong Kong.

ME: Uhm..... what?

We have to go to Hong Kong for business purposes to set up something that needs both me and my mother to be actually there. The whole process can be done on the first day, so after that we have one full day to ourselves on the 26th and another half day on the 27th before flying back home.

When I was little the family used to fly there all the time, and it's been years since I've gone there, so it will be kinda like seeing an old friend again. I've been there so many times that I feel more at home walking the streets of Hong Kong than some of our own provinces, to tell the truth.

Don't get me wrong, it's Hong Kong, another country, 3-day vacation and all, so yay. But if you've been following my blog recently I'm obviously not in exactly the best mood to fully enjoy a trip. I have no idea what I'm going to do there, besides probably shop for stuff.

I've considered just spending my one free day going out and exploring freely, but that still reminds me too much of what Mr. Bignose would do, so I may just stay the course and do what I like to do, which is shop (pick up an MP3 player, maybe some games, definitely some Chinese clothing to bolster my wardrobe), see my old haunts (anime shop in Mong Kok, Swindon's book store) and eat all the latest food I can find, both ethnic (Roast duck! dim sum!!) and fabulous (See's Chocolates, Baskin-Robbin's Ice cream). If anyone has any pasalubong requests, you have 1 week to let me know (and give me money to buy it). If I can find it, I will be more than happy to get it for y'all. :)

You know, when I started this post, I was going to say that although I now had a trip to look forward to, because of all the shit I've been through the past 5 weeks, I wasn't really in a position to enjoy it. But now? The more I think about it, I'm actually getting excited.

I'm going to HONG KONG, baby.

Monday, February 16, 2004


Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

Saturday, February 14, 2004


"People don't change. Not really, where it counts. A thief simply becomes an old thief"
                    - anonymous

"Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. You change or you die"
                    - anonymous

"For every saying there is another saying to contradict it."
                    - Adam

Way back when I first met nelson, he told me that he wanted to leave this country to go somewhere else. I wasn't with him long enough to learn to to rein in my reactions (and never fully learned, to be honest) and the dismay on my face was apparent.

I've always planned my actions by looking at the Big Picture, so this revelation definitely made me uneasy. and how could I spend my life with someone who saw himself leaving this country, whereas I always saw my life here? By then we had just gotten together, how could I just up and leave just now, just for that reason?

I guess I was a fool, but part of me hoped that if I stayed with him long enough, he might learn to love me enough to stay, or at least reconsider his set-in-stone plan of "I hate this country and I'm leaving!" and take me into account for something that might be more flexible for the both of us. Instead, it became one of the reasons for him to leave me. (Might I just add that there are no plans for him to leave as of yet and that he is still here, so take that info as you will. )

On another occasion, I recall the early introduction two years ago of yet another friend, one half of a couple who was very committed and loving to one another. We hit it off instantly, and during one of our many talks the subject of babies came up. She told me back then that she didn't want to have kids, for medical and personal reasons.

She's a strong-willed free spirit (much like my ex) who didn't seem likely to change her mind, and while I thought the melding of her and her boyfriend's DNA would be sure to create children beautiful both on the outside and the inside, I understood her decision.

Fast forward to this year. One of her best friends had just given birth to twins, and they had visited them at the hospital. As she gazed at the dual bundles of joy lying there snuggled up in the nursery, her boyfriend sidled up next to her and asked quietly:

"would you ever want one of your own?"

I wasn't there, but if I was, once again I don't think I would have been able to suppress the surprise on my face when she replied:

"yeah, I think I just might."

People do change. And grow. All the way down to the core of their being. But only if the desire is there to do so. I know I have. All I have to do is find someone who can do the same.

Congratulations to amihan and piyaya, two of my dearest friends, who just made The Promise to each other to spend the rest of their lives together. I am so happy for the two of you and love you both dearly.

Thursday, February 12, 2004


I know I'm supposed to continue the 355 series, which has captured the imagination of all my faithful readers out there (all 2 of you) but I'm still emotionally preparing myself to write about it. Rest assured I haven't forgotten about it.

Truth be told, I've simply been out living life, which is too short to be spent updating one's blog daily. To tide you all over, here are some pics instead:


Sean Astin, last seen inspiring hobbit slash fanfic worldwide as Samwise Gamgee in Lord of the Rings and who currently occupies the top spot in my list of Celebrities I Can Sleep With, has a role in Adam Sandler's new movie 50 First Dates as Drew Barrymore's steroid-obsessed, bodybuilder-wannabe protective big brother. As you can see from the pics, the man has gotten buff. He's shed all of his hobbit fat (awwww....), but surprisingly, none of his hotness. Check out the Sean's deltoids and pecs! DAMN!!!

I want this man. I want him so BAD. If God ever does grant me that power to turn people gay, I'm taking the next flight to Los Angeles and tracking him down.


Wednesday, February 11, 2004


Pick up the pieces
Time to move on
All systems clear
Back in control
I'm glad to be here

Monday, February 09, 2004


Advisory: Topics of an explicit nature -– more than the usual -- will be discussed in the following series of entries. May or may not be offensive, depending on your sensibilities. Read on at your own risk. You have been warned.

This has been a long time in coming. For a long time now I’ve been meaning to write about what happened on my first date post-breakup that caused me to go so over the deep end the way I did. I guess I should start from the beginning.

I was introduced to him via Robert, a friend of mine whom I met through chat when I had just come out. Back then, I was looking to meet and talk to as many different gay people as I could to broaden my horizons, because at the time I could count the number of gay people I knew personally on one hand.

His name was Rhon, and Robert gave me the URL to his yahoo! profile. When I saw the photo he had on his page, I was very pleased by what I saw there. I got his phone number after e-mailing him, and after exchanging text messages throughout the day, we talked on the phone that night. He was very excited to meet me after seeing my photo and getting a description of my hobbies and my job, and I have to say from an ego standpoint it was something I really needed to hear. We made plans to meet for a movie that Saturday in Makati.

I met him in Greenbelt 3 at the Starbucks near the outdoor garden, after waiting about an hour for him in PowerBooks -- he commuted from Antipolo where he lived, and his ride was delayed while mine on the other hand went smoother than expected, thus the large gap -- I held my breath and was actually slightly panicking, pacing back and forth in front of Marks’ & Spencer away from the coffee house. What if I wasn’t attracted to him? What if I was? What if something were to happen? What if it didn’t?

Finally, I told myself: Dammit, I put up with 15 months of emotional abuse from my ex, I can surely put up with whatever this guy has to offer for one night. So I took a deep breath and went off to meet him.

He told me what he was wearing on text so I spotted him easily, and I saw him before he saw me. And I was… disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting really, but in a nutshell, he didn’t look the way he did in his picture. This was just first impressions of course, and I’ve always considered myself to less shallow than this. So while other people at this stage might cut their losses and flee, I went up and introduced myself.

He was nice enough, just… not my type. There were things about him physically that simply did not attract me. I could come up with a dozen reasons why I wasn’t attracted to him that could be used as the same reasoning I was attracted to nelson, so I guess it’s really whether or not there’s that initial spark there, and in this instance there wasn’t.

I set my mind to be as gracious as possible, despite my unattraction, and I smiled broadly when I saw him. From the look on his face, I like to think that he liked what he saw as well. We made some polite small talk, and decided to go have dinner first before the movie. Even as we walked I found myself keeping a reasonable distance from him, not wanting to give him any wrong impressions. I fear I may have come off as a bit uptight in the process. Inside, I had already considered this night a washout with regards to finding a possible boyfriend, and I just wanted to spend the rest of the evening seeing a good movie with (hopefully) some good company.

We had dinner at Food Choices, with more stilted conversation. It was yet another minus in my mental ledger; as it just didn’t flow as naturally and freely as it did with nelson, but then again the fact that I was still COMPARING the two of them was just more evidence that I’m still not quite ready to be doing this. But I digress. When we finished eating, we went off to see Kill Bill.

A part of me couldn’t wait for the night to end, but I knew it would be horribly rude to cut and run, especially considering how much of a distance he commuted to be here tonight. I was at least going to give him a (hopefully) good night with my company.

Sometime during the movie, he curled his arm around mine (feeling my bicep in the process) and lay his head on my shoulder. Now, non-attraction issues aside, not only did these acts of tenderness make me feel uncomfortable, but I was surprised to discover that they HURT. Each cuddle only served to remind me of my very first movie date with nelson, where I was the one cuddling him, also at a Makati theater of all places, which I had only just remembered now.

I tried to ignore it and watch the movie and enjoy the night, but it didn’t get better. Every gentle squeeze was like a knife being stabbed slowly and repeatedly into my abdomen, inundating me with memories of me and nelson sitting closely together, watching In the Bedroom at the Glorietta cinema, how good that evening felt, topped off with the realization that I was never ever going to experience that ever again. A part of me wanted to cry right there and then. But I held it all in, and it showed in the way I held my body with such tension. There was no way that Rhon didn’t notice, but to his credit he politely said nothing.

After the movie we walked a bit in the Japanese garden outside GB3 where I decided to confess to him. When we talked over the phone, I told him I had come from a breakup, but when he asked when it occurred I told him it happened last year (technically true). I admitted that it happened only on Dec. 30th, barely 2 weeks ago at the time. I also told him that I really didn’t feel any spark between the two of us so I didn’t think that anything long-term was going to come out of tonight relationship-wise. And that I was sincerely sorry for wasting his time.

Rhon was very understanding. He told me that he himself came from a breakup just last November. He knew what I was going through and took it quite well. When it was all out in the open, for the first time that night, I finally started to relax. I opened up more about my whole ordeal; how much it sill hurt and how I was basically still in shock. Thankfully, he was sympathetic about my situation and I was very grateful for that.

We walked to the parking lot basement, where I offered to give him a ride to Cubao where he could catch an FX back to Antipolo. Inside the car, the darkness obscured his features and allowed me to pretend he was more attractive that he actually was. As we navigated out way out of Makati onto Edsa, we continued making small talk as I silently gathered the courage for what I was about to do. Finally, I slowed the car down. I parked on a side road, and turned to face him.

Me: Can I ask you a favor.

Rhon: What?

Me: Kiss me.

He smiled and acceded to my request. His lips were soft, tender, and tasted vaguely of menthol. His kiss was far gentler than nelson’s ever was, and there was a tenderness and openness there that I hadn't experienced -- even from my ex -- for far too long.

Me: There’s something I want to ask you, and I’m not sure I have the right.

Rhon: What is it?

Me: I was wondering if… if it’s okay with you, could you sleep with me tonight.

To be continued

(Clay Aiken)

You don't have to save my life
You're not ready I can feel it
Outside it's raining but I'll just go home
Someday your heart will just let him go

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all makes sense
Right now I can't give you what you need
As soon as you get that feeling
Run to me

You don't have to say a word
I'm not gonna hate you for it
Feels like my touch only brings back the pain
Someday those memories will fade away

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all makes sense
Right now I can't give you what you need
As soon as you get that feeling
Run to me

How can I be brave enough to say goodbye?
I die inside without you
Don't you see it's hard enough to walk away?
To look at me you make me want
To live through this to make me strong

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all makes sense
Right now I can't give you what you need
As soon as you get that feeling
Run to me

As soon as you get that feeling
Run to me

I wish I had someone to sing this to me right about now.

Sunday, February 08, 2004


This should be a day of leisure, people resting off the debauchery of the weekend that was. Yet I find myself currently dreading and hating sunday afternoons. Because I've run out of distractions, I've run out of friends, and I have nothing else to keep away the memories and the pain and the regrets and the sorrow that creeps up on me.

I try so hard to push it away, but all my friends have their own plans, their own lives, and I do not want to strain my friendships any further by becoming too overly dependent on any one friend.

But as the night approaches, the realization that I am ALONE looms on me like a shadow, and I have nothing left to keep away the anxiety that comes with the realization of that. I hate sundays. I really, really hate them.

God, I want this day to end, please.....


"You read too much (of my blog)."

Because that was the ONLY way I could know how you were feeling. You'd never SAY anything to me, and it was only through your journal that I could get the barest inkling of what went through your head.

The most glaring instance I can recall is how you almost went an entire week holding in anger over something that I did -- despite my ASKING you about it DIRECTLY and you telling me that NOTHING was wrong -- and have you suddenly explode in fury towards me and rage about it publicly... once again in your blasted journal.

You were more comfortable talking to the entire world through your blog than you were talking to me.


O wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
Wag mo akong kulitin, wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo ako rin ay nagbago
Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

O kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

O kay tagal din kita minahal

Tinatawag kita sinusuyo kita
Di mo man marinig, di mo man madama

O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin.

...Kahit ayaw ko na. Yun ang problema ko ngayon.

Saturday, February 07, 2004


Just came from the Valentine edition of the Admit One show, where the climax of the night was a big group jam with a bunch of different musicians and a ton of people (including yours truly) going up onstage to dance along.

The theme of the night was classic/cheesy covers so they played stuff like Blister in the Sun, Ride Sally Ride and other oldies. The big finish was a rocking version of Should I Stay or Should I Go, with the whole fricking crowd moshing like hell at the choruses.

To properly put this into persective, I have to stress that this was a group of musicians and musicians' friends who never mosh, it was more about the irony of the situation, which only made the whole thing more hilariously surreal. Everyone even held up "peace" signs inbetween songs parodying the jolog moshers at a Pulp Summer Slam.

I had lots of fun smashing myself up against a ton of sweaty, thrashing guys, including the aforementioned ______, the current object of my eye -- who, upon closer examination, appears to be straight after all. Alas. -- eventually falling back on my butt and being dogpiled by even more big, sweat-drenched guys. After 10 years of being a rock fan, I finally understand what the allure of moshing is all about.

Of course, I STILL have no idea why straight guys do it.

Friday, February 06, 2004


"Talk to me. I may not understand, but I'll listen."
            - Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), from Sex and the City

And sometimes, that's all that matters.

Thursday, February 05, 2004


It's awkward, really. Althought I am a person that gets angry quickly and intensely, it also fades soon enough, and as time passes, it becomes more of an effort for me to stay mad at someone and would just rather forgive and forget about it.

The problem is that when that starts to happen with you, when the anger starts to fade, I start to remember the good things about you: Your smile, the way you feel against my body, your spirit. And that is when you start to hurt me again.

To counteract that, I have to kill all the good memories I have in my head by forcing myself to remember the bad ones; instances which at the time when I was blinded by love I overlooked, but now looking back were just acts of unbelievable cruelty.

The way you took all the power for yourself when you made the decision to leave me, leaving me forever with the What if? of what I might have done had you only had the courtesy to tell me something was wrong when the seed was planted.

The way you turned away from me when I wanted to comfort you, and you went to your friends for solace, and then publicly told the world in your blog that you "weren't used to being showered with love", putting my efforts into question.

The way when we got together, your closest friends were either out of Manila or out of the country, then they came back, and you dumped me. I can't help feeling that when you got your friends back, you no longer needed me anymore and threw me away like a piece of used tissue.

The way when I tried to make love to you, you merely lay back on the bed, eyes closed, head back and your mouth simply returning my kiss, not bothering to hold me, touch me, or tell me with your body that you cared for me at all, which in retrospect you no longer did. You merely lay back and took all that I had to offer, ordered me to get the lube, and that was it. You yourself told me said sex was sharing. By yor own definition, you gave me NOTHING.

The way you looked at me coldly and summed up my life's worth by virtue of... what? How much money I made? How many awards I garnered? You made me feel like the sum total of me was less than nothing when you said to me "You're 28 years old. What have you done, really?" I can honestly say that was one of the most painful things anyone has ever said to me in my life. The fact that is was said by the one who was supposed to be my lover made it all the more crueler.

I remember these horrible acts you did to me and dozens more, and the pain of your longing goes away. It's exhausting, to actively foster hate and anger inside, especially when the inclination is to let it go. But I have to, otherwise I'll start to miss you and I'll begin bleeding inside all over again.

I don't want to do this; keep hating, but I have to.

I have to focus on the horrible things about you just to keep myself sane.

For my own survival, I have to sacrifice the memory of you.

I hate you.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004


Sometimes I wake up still missing you. Not you per se, but the memory of you. The comfort of the way we were. I know that doesn't exist anymore and it hasn't for a long time, way before now, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Just as I believe I'm starting to finally heal, I have a morning like today where I wake up curled into a ball trying to keep myself from flying in a hundred different directions.

Please God, just let me get better already....

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

(Twisted Halo)

I saw you drown tonight
and visions of a sunny day played in my head
emotions are illusions
and love is such a vision
up high on a pedestal

breaking into pieces
I'm choking on the thesis
But I will survive

I will survive

From the incredible Twisted Halo. Just one song from their first full-length album In Loving Memory of the Fearless Exploits of the Bolo Brigade. 16 amazing tracks of passion, fury, love, and everything in between from 5 phenomenally talented musicians. The album is available at gigs and soon at places like Tower Records and Music One. This album is highly, highly recommended by yours truly.

Get it. You won't be sorry.


From a Yahoo! groups gay mailing list:

I'm a Big, Tall, Stocky guy in search of a slim, young (above 21), good looking guy for some fun (BF is away and GF is also out of town). I am straight acting, manly, and a top. NO EFFEMS, NO FELLOW CHUBS. If you are a bottom guy, who wants a big guy to give you a lot of fun, email me a picture at *********

The same guy has posted the same letter on a regular basis for almost about a year now. I guess he had no takers for his offer. I have no idea why, what with his open-mindedness, non-pickiness, and wealth of experience (a BF AND a GF??)

Shit, I'd rather stay single.

Sunday, February 01, 2004


I gotta pick me up when I am down
I gotta get my feet back on the ground
I gotta pick me up when I am down

I don't know when I got bitter
Love is surely better when it's gone

Because you wanted more
More than I could handle
And a life that I can't live

You wanted more
More than I could bare
More than I could offer
And love that isn't there.


I wish I had the power to turn people gay. Or to be more specific, to switch people’s sexualities however I pleased. It would have so many useful applications. Think about it:

For starters, I could use it on the men I found attractive (who always appear to be straight, alas) and turn them onto my side. One of the biggest ironies and frustrations in my life is that I am an OPM** rock fan through and through, and unfortunately I can count the number of out gay guys in the scene on one hand. Why, oh, why couldn’t I be passionate about musical theater instead?

For instance, I could put whammy on ______ _____, the _______ of the band _______ ____* who I’ve always found to be adorable but unfortunately hetero (for the moment, anyway). He’s used to pounding on stuff, so it would be a new experience for him to be the one getting pounded on for a change. Plus, I could finally find out if he makes that cute pouting face he does when he plays his instrument as he does in….. other physically strenuous activities.

Turning the guys I like onto my side wouldn’t be the only use. I could use it as a weapon as well. Few things make me as angry as homophobes, and what possible better revenge could there be than to turn a gay-basher from T&A to D&A? If there was a guy spewing hateful antigay rhetoric in my presence, I would secretly zap him, and when he got home that night he would be horrified when he discovered that the thought of other men now made him horny, and the only feeling that women could elicit from him would be envy for their wardrobe. Ika nga, one of the best curses ever you can give someone is "May you become that which you hate the most".

And speaking of people that I hate the most, I'd also use my abilities on gay people who try to act (emphasis on ACT) as straight as possible and are annoyed by the more flamboyant of our sisterhood who don’t conform the way they do: the homophobic homosexual. THESE are the people for whom I reserve a special place in hell for.

I got news for you haters: The entire gay movement was STARTED by the flaming queens who demanded the right to act however they wanted as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else. Reading up on gay history will teach you that. Stonewall would never have occurred if the 'str8-acting' gays were the ones at the bar that night. I could do them for free because quite frankly, the gay world doesn’t need people like them who can’t even stand themselves; these people do us no favors.

Finally, I could actually make some serious money off of this. Some of the more conservative churches in this country have made a big deal out of being able to "reform" homosexuals through prayer and counseling. Any well-adjusted gay person (yes, contrary to popular belief such an animal exists) can tell you that you are who you are who you are, and no amount of reassurance can do otherwise. An 'ex-gay' can bang a woman, but all the talking in the world can’t change the images he’s got in his head to keep himself aroused.

Instead of going to those churches, homophobic parents of children they fear to be gay could come to me, where I could charge them HUGE amounts of money to straighten out their kid. I'd ‘cure' the child of his/her so-called affliction, and when their back was turned I'd turn the parents gay as punishment for not accepting their child for who they were. (the kid himself could come back to me when he reached legal age to have the process reversed for free if he so desired) Financial compensation AND vigilante justice: a great combination.

So, yun: I could get the men I wanted, be feared by my enemies, do some good for the gay community AND make lots of money on the side as well. This power would be infinitely much more fun than being able to fly which up 'til now was my first choice for a super power.

So, if and when next time the opportunity presents itself where I get to pick the super power of my choice, that’s what I want: the power to make people gay.

*Name, instrument played and band name withheld to avoid further embarrassment to said object of my lust and desire

**OPM= Original Pinoy Music


I wish that I could go back in time. So that when I finally do reach that place when I feel better about this and have the ability to trust and be happy again, I can travel back to where I am right now and whisper into my own ear:

"It will be all right. Everything will turn out for the best. I promise."

It still hurts, god damn it.


It's scientifically unproven, but 9 out of 10 people will attest to it that as long as you are actively hoping/wishing/yearning for a boyfriend/girlfriend, no one will come along, or you will be stuck with a parade of losers. And the moment that you give up and stop caring about it either way, that's when that blasted one person comes along that makes you forget every shitty thing that happened to you the last time you fell in love and you do it all over again. Karma is funny that way.

Well, that's where I am right now. Out of what you wanna call it, loneliness, neediness, libog* I've just been going "Fix me up! I want a boyfriend!!!" to everyone within earshot, including Karma, which of course will make it even that much harder for Mr. Right to come along. I know feeling this way will only make it harder for me, yet I persist in my yearnings. I wanna get to that place of indifference, but my feelings are still too strong, dangit.

Sometimes I feel like the perennial straight man to Life's jokes.

*Libog = libido, all-around horniness, etc.


Tweaking with my blog and trying out the links, I inevitably go back to checking old posts. I've been reluctant to do that, lest I find a particularly intense post reminding me how it was at the start. I did, but not in the way I was expecting. This post all the way from November of 2002:

"I wish I knew just the right words to say to make the pain go away. That I was clever enough, or witty enough, or funny enough to say just the right quip to make you smile that wonderful smile of yours. That I was that guy in the movies who "always knows just the right thing to say". It's easy to know just the Right Thing to Say when your dialogue is crafted by a big-time Hollywood screenwriter who goes through draft after draft until they get it right.

But this is real life, and the times when it feels like I should be saying something to you to cheer you up, all I can do is sigh and rub your shoulder. I wish I did know the right thing to say.

But I don't.

I wish I had the darkness in me to truly understand what you're going through. Believe me, I've been through my own pits of despair, but nowhere near the depths you've ventured to. For the most part I've left that pain behind me, and it's not something I want to go back to. Perhaps it is chronic. Right now I want to concentrate on everything good in my life. And things are, barring what's you're going through right now, very, very, good. Better than they've ever been.

I wish my psyche bore the scars of pain that would allow me to truly fathom what you're enduring, and not just sit idly by meekly offering my support. A friend of ours who bears similar scars, gets you in a way I never can. And that hurts. I wish I suffered the despair that you do.

But I don't.

But still, I can't help feeling that I'm being remiss in my responsibilities as your lover. Shouldn't I be there, to share your pain at least, if I can't alleviate it? Isn't this the sort of thing that you don't have to go through anymore alone now that we're together? There are times when I'm walking on the street thinking about your silence which says far more than if you were screaming in my ear. My frustration bubbling underneath the surface; It's so much sometimes that I just want to raise my arms and scream "WHAT CAN I DO?!!" at the top of my lungs.

But I don't.

By not being able to help you with this, I can't help thinking that I'm failing you somehow. My fear manifests itself in the form of a mental image of you in the future, with another lover. You're talking about me, your ex-love, on how I wasn't able to help you during your times of depression, which was why we didn't work.

Are my fears warranted? Am I disappointing you somehow by not being able to say or do the one thing that can make it easier? On a level that you would never even admit to yourself?

Am I failing you?"

At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by giving you the space you apparently wanted to deal with this yourself. Just 4 months after we had gotten together, this issue in particular was already a problem, one that I hoped would better itself in time the longer we were together.

I hoped that if I loved you enough you would eventually let your guard down and let me in. I never stopped hoping and believing in that, and I never, ever stopped giving you as much love as I could. But there were parts of yourself that you NEVER let me have access to. And it was in that same space where I could not reach you that you convinced yourself to fall out of love with me.

Even then, just 4 months into the relationship, the cracks in the foundation were already starting to show, how you would in times of pain turn away from me instead of let me in to comfort you. I wanted to fix it, so many times I tried, but you never let me.

Even then.

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