Friday, November 28, 2003

New Experience

Mom is going to a wedding today, and, doing something she has never done before, actually asked me my opinion on her ensemble. I looked her over and told her she looked fine, depending on the accesories she was going to wear.

Don't get me wrong, it was kinda sorta cool to be asked my fashion opinion, it's just that I'm not used to it, especially from her. Could it be that she is finally embracing, even just a little, and taking advantage of having a gay son? As always, I have no expectations.

I even used the phrase "The shoes make the outfit." No fooling.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

How to refill your Ink Cartidge

This is a funny read for anyone who's ever had their ink cartidges refilled or considered doing it.


...is an actual dish consisting of a chicken, stuffed in a duck, which is in turn stuffed into a whole turkey. And I am not kidding. There are pictures and everything.

As an aspiring chef who appreciates innovation and enjoys cooking turkey in particular, I am somewhat conflicted, as I am all "Well, that's kinda cool in how I'd never even considered doing that" sense, and most definitely curious as to how in the world it might possibly taste.

The other feeling I have is that innovation should only go so far, and that unspoken laws of culnary nature have been broken. I have a vision of this thing being brought to life (or cooked, what have you) by lightning in some evil laboratory.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Updated Saying of the day

When you find a bird with a broken wing, nurture it back to health, then let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.

If you come back to IT, you belong to it forever.

The Bitch is in Heat

... Our dog Vanessa, that is; a miniature-pinscher-daschund mixed breed, one of the sweetest, affectionate, protective and eerily intelligent (she normally barks at any and all strangers who enter the house, but when Nelz came over for the first time, she took two sniffs at him, looked up at Nelz thoughtfully and trotted back inside) dogs I have ever encountered.

She's entered her period again, and it has made things rather interesting in the Carandang household. Back in a now-admittedly misguided impulse, the family decided to get a male daschund -- which I dubbed Schueblig -- to pair with Vanessa, presumably to made with her and provide lots of hotdog-shaped puppies. Of course, as it usually is with these things, it didn't turn out the way they wanted it to.

Schueblig is a decent enough dog, all things considered. Just compared to Vanessa, who as I said above is an exceptional dog, it's like comparing Gwyneth Paltrow and Pamela Anderson. Both are exceptional dogs in terms of looks, but when it comes to personality the contrasts are apparent. Vanessa oozes poise, while Schueblig slobbers all over you, begging for attention (which usually results in the opposite effect, just like with human beings).

While Vanessa tolerates Schueblig, it's clear, even before she was in heat, she regarded him as this sort of annoying doofy male roommate she had to share a house with. And now that she was inadvertently releasing the Love Mojo, said doof suddenly has got all sorts of ideas running through his head about getting it on with the hot babe. And Vanessa is all "In your dreams."

She basically spends the day while her master Angelica is off at school under one of the benches outside the house, her tuckus firmly planted against the wall away from Schueblig, who repeatedly and futilely tries to mount her. The few times he is nearly successful, Vanessa who up to this point has endured it all with a quiet dignity, turns into a raging fury, growling and snarling, scaring the dumb male away with his tail between his legs.

This has led to lots of frustration on Schueblig's part, suffering what is probably the canine version of blue balls. Yesterday morning, I awoke to the sound of Scheblig's frantic barking, loud, high pitched, and really, really annoying. Usually he does this when he's locked a given area and wants to get out. I tried to ignore it for around 15 minutes or so but eventually it got to be too much and I went downstairs to let him out myself (and kick him a little in the process).

When I got downstairs however, what I saw was not Schueblig fenced in. He was already free in the terrace, barking frantically at something underneath the bench. There was Vanessa, peering out from the bench, looking impassively at Schueblig and the racket he was making. If there was a canine equivalent for dedma, I think Vanessa nailed it. She was all like "Sige, umingay ka lang diyan. Paki ko?"

As I type this the barking has started up again. At least I'm already awake this time. Out of sheer spite, I hope that Vanessa never, ever gives him any. I hope that the boy never tastes any sweet dog pussy. I hope that dog dies a virgin.

So to recap: Vanessa is in heat. Schueblig wants to get it on with Vanessa. Vanessa would sooner get an enema than let him touch her. Shueblig, frustrated and horny out of his mind, starts alternately (and unsuccessfully) forcing, cajoling, and finally whining at Vanessa, which shockingly does nothing to convince her to change her mind. Driven by his hormones, this horndog continues to make a bigger and bigger ass of himself both to Vanessa and everyone around him.

Some male behavior is just universal among all species.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Masaya na ako

I finally got my guitar case. *grins*

Saturday, November 22, 2003


Today was supposed to be a full schedule. Meet for jam practice in the morning. Go home with Joe after practice to work on the aquarium, which Joe promised to furnish. Then in the evening, go to Relativity and test drive some of the new songs.

I thought I was going to be so busy that I was actually relieved when Nelz told me he wouldnt be able to see me until evening, because he had to meet an acquaintance for work, then meet his mother afterwards.

I spend the entire morning (after loading up ALL of the equipment into the car and getting good and sweaty in the process) waiting in Quezon Avenue twiddling my thumbs waiting for bandmembers who never come. Cedirc, who has been sick all week, probably is still unable to play, or is working up the backlog of work left undone while he was sick. Oly our new guitarist is probably likewise handling the work Cedic left unfinished. Trying to call either of them was unsuccessfulm, so I don't know WHAT was up.

Joe, after I call later, tells me he thought jam was AFTER lunch (which is most emphatically was NOT, after the regular text messages I sent to them yesterday. Yet another reminder that texting while convenient, is not foolproof). We agree to meet in my house at 2:30 so he can work on the aquarium. I have to go to Megamall to pick up the latest issue of Street Fighter.

Traffic is bad. So I end up texting Joe that I may be a little late. I hurry up, both in driving and in walking when I finally get to Megamall, and I actually arrive home a little before 3 pm. No Joe.

And now it is 4:40, and STILL no Joe. He's not at the house. Calling him is also fruitless. I have basically spent the entire afternoon waiting for people who have never come and quite frankly, my temper is STARTING to finally fray. If you have something else to do, so be it, but it is just fucking INCONSIDERATE to not let the person waiting for you know that you aren't coming so he doesn't have to waste his time waiting for you.

Yes, yes, yes, I'm sure when all is said and done, all of you have some perfectly good explanations why you didn't show up/call/whatever. But right now? FUCK YOU.


Thursday, November 20, 2003

Celebrity Mugshots

WARNING: this will give you nightmares.


Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Link of the day

The Ladder Theory

It's all in fun, of course, but probably a lot more true than some of you would care to admit. And it definitely applies to both straight and gay people.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Baby is

Verse 1
My baby
Has shown me
How much that I can be

For the first time
Can say I’m
Following no one’s path but mine

Prechorus 1
They can’t believe the way it happened so fast
Can’t figure out
And now they tell me there’s no way it can last
Casting their doubt

Like what if it ends
Here we go again
You’ll turn around and run back to your friends

I tell them that

Baby is good to me
I know that (s)he cares for me
And (s)he’s always there for me
And finally
I believe

(S)he opened myself to me
Thru (his)her eyes I got to see
A whole other side of me
Inside of me
And set it free

Verse 2
Now maybe
You can’t see
How much (s)he’s done for me

(S)he loves me well
Like no one else
And taught me how to love myself

Prechorus 2
My partner, lover, friend & confidante
Rolled into one
(S)he’s every single thing I’ve ever wanted
In The One

The times when I’ve cried
Battered down inside
I turn around (s)he’s never left my side

And that’s how I know that my

Baby is good to me
I know that (s)he cares for me
And (s)he’s always there for me
And finally
I believe

(S)he opened myself to me
Thru (his)her eyes I got to see
A whole other side of me
Inside of me
And set it free


My head is screwed on straight
Although I know you can’t relate
And it’s no spell (s)he’s got on me
I’ve never felt so complete
In my life

And that’s how I know that my

Baby is good to me
I know that (s)he cares for me
And (s)he’s always there for me
And finally
I believe

(S)he opened myself to me
Thru (his)her eyes I got to see
A whole other side of me
Inside of me
And set it free

                        - Where's Joe?

Sunday, November 09, 2003


Is it possible to wake up refreshed and depressed at the same time? 'Cause that's how I feel this morning.

Maybe just one teensy spoiler

If anyone is curious to what the in-production live actiion Dragonball Z movie will look like, all you have to do is watch the final battle in Matrix Revolutions: Tons of in-air fighting, with specacular special effects and property damage. After receiving the most vicious of beatings, the fighters simply pick themselves up and start all over again, until some predetermined running time is reached, and the finishing move used to end the fight is performed. Everything in between that and the start of the fight is simply light and noise and of no consequence.

But it sure looks pretty though. If you want to see it just for that, then I guess you won't be let down.

No spoilers here

The finale of the Matrix, simply one of the most influential movies to come out in the last decade, can be summed up in one word: Disappointing.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Makati Memories

We pull into the cavernous parking garage, with ceilings so high it can accommodate the largest of luxury vehicles, conceding it’s status. Before we enter the mall I stop and notice the driver’s waiting area; which is in an air-conditioned lobby next to the escalator which takes shoppers upstairs to the utopia above. Along with that, supplied for the drivers’ enjoyment were comfortable benches and cable TV. The men in barongs were sitting there entranced; all that was missing was a bag of snacks and a beer, and they would be in better conditions than a lot of their white collar brethren. I remember reading somewhere that you could judge the level of civilization of a culture by how it treats its prisoners. Perhaps you could amend it to say that you can judge how upscale a mall is by how well they treat their drivers.

We rise above and start walking to the restaurant we are to dine in, I quietly observe all the people around me. It is a Thursday night, in-between pay days but there are still many people milling about in very fancy fineries, looking to see as well as be seen. Always present are the gay men, who are always just a little more well-dressed and fabulous than the average Makati resident. There seem to be a greater percentage of homosexual men here in Makati than in the rest of the city. Going by stereotypes, yes, gay men would thrive here: the emphasis on fashion, the culture, the arguably more progressive attitude. It strikes me then how utterly unstereotypical, considering how out of place I feel here.

We dine in a cajun-themed restaurant specializing in shrimp. Perusing the menu I am dumbfounded but keep it in, as the average price of an entrée is 400 pesos, an appetizer, P200, a drink perhaps another P75. All in all, you may end up spending over P1200 for a dinner for two here. A pittance perhaps to the average Makati executive, but a huge bite for simpler folk such as myself, and for now, something that is only to be experienced while dining on someone else’s tab.

My order of shrimp in buttered broth arrives with a heaping serving of rice AND a large loaf of French bread, and I wonder if I am expected to eat all of this. There are enough carbohydrates on my plate to satisfy an Atkins devotee for 2 weeks. I end up eating the bread (its’ crusty outside and chewy interior are perfect for dipping in the broth) and leave the rice mostly untouched. The shrimp is good, swimming in a darkly and richly flavored liquid that is too powerful to eat as soup.

The high prices are somewhat justified by the huge servings, but then is not paying more than usual for a too-large meal that you end up forcing yourself to finish not a sort of vicious cycle? The way of serving here is very American, something that is gaining in popularity here. I fear that before long more and more people will be sporting American-sized obesity as well. This is one thing that the Philippines need not emulate the Americans on (and what things are, really?)

We finish and I can barely breathe, despite leaving a lot of food on my plate untouched. We separate, agreeing to meet at a given time and I walk around some more. Many people are dressed in black tonight, including a man in a stunning black long coat that makes me jealous and ignore how much it probably costs. I pass by the Vodka Ice Bar and their anorexic hostesses as I head towards the opulent movie Cineplex.

The final installment of THE MATRIX is playing tonight in all five theaters, awaiting the 10 o’clock global premiere. Screenings will continue until dawn, and for a briefest instant I toy with the idea of catching a show so I will finally see if it gets to live up to its’ monumentous expectations or if it will disappoint once again. I remember the tickets I have for sunday's screening with my boyfriend, so I sigh and move on.

Things are more expensive in Makati than anywhere else. This particular fact is best exemplified by one store which charges upwards of 60 pesos upward for what amounts to a huge cupful of shaved ice, topped with a few slivers of fruit and drizzled in milk The cost of ingredients could not possible have exceeded P15 pesos for a fruit-and-ice treat, yet all over the food court there were people spooning heartily into their designer con hielos. I shake my head in exasperation and sigh in secret envy at the owner’s high profit margins.

We congregate in a local coffee shop for take home desserts and drinks before heading home. The family gets frozen blended coffee drinks, and I get a simple cup of brewed coffee. I have it the way I always do; with two packets of artificial sweetener and no cream; dark and sweet. The coffee is good, its’ bitterness muted by the aspartame but losing none of its’ strength.

I sip carefully and feel the caffeine’s effects kicking in almost instantly, putting my body into a heightened state of alertness and energy that will fuel me for the writing I am to do later tonight. The drive home is long and uneventful, lengthened by construction and traffic, and the conversation moves from various career plans for my newly graduated brother (I sigh in relief that the burden of such topics have moved away from me) and travel plans for the holidays. Bangkok Thailand is discussed, and I am eager to go, the only thing giving me pause was how I would miss certain people while I was gone.

I once described Malate, a place that people similarly flock to escape from office drudgery, as surreal. There is something that is totally unique, with people, places, and even an entire lifestyle that you can find no where else. When I come from Malate I often feel like I have just visited another planet.

Makati is not like that however. In the daytime it is a high powered business center on an always heightened state of alert, thousands upon thousands of people running around yelling into their celphones making deals that will affect how the rest of the country gets their food, who they see on television, and the color of their detergent. Then at night, these people flock to places like the one we are in to work of the stress the accumulate during the day with an almost equal amount of gusto. Then tomorrow everything starts all over again.

If anything, this city is a little bit too real for my liking. Fashion consciousness is just a little bit more stringent, people walk just a little bit faster, the stress is just a little bit harder and even their leisure activities have a an air of urgency to them; you’ve put in a lot of money into that Time Zone card, so you had BETTER have fun, dammit! It once again takes its cue from Americanized culture, embracing the western edict of “work hard, play hard”. With all due respect to the people who embrace that tenet, it is not the only way to live, and it is definitely not how I live mine. I’ve tried that particular suit on and found it ill-fitting. Besides, stress gives me acne.

Finally the car pulls into the driveway, and I embark to type the words you see before you. Although there are things in Makati that can be seen/bought/eaten only there, I am glad to be home.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003


A bit of fairly cool info: Cam Clarke; is a name you probably won't recognize. But odds are you've heard him, as he voiced the role of Leonardo from the classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. He is one of the foremost voice talents in animation, and he just happens to be gay.

From his bio:

However, this self-proclaimed "perfect little Church boy" would have his own share of inner turmoil to deal with. At the age of 23, after serving his two-year Mormon mission in Argentina and battling the Church's idea that his sexuality was "just a phase," Cam came to terms with his homosexuality. It was a typical night at the dinner table with his family. After dinner the conversation turned to the concept of ""unconditional love" - and an unplanned confession by Cam to his family. "What would you do if I told you I were gay?" was his comment, and within moments, his family rushed to him - not with anger and hate, but with love and support. He was one of the lucky ones. "I've heard horror stories by friends and their 'coming out" stories, but my family was fantastic. My father's words will stay with me forever - 'Son, I am so sorry - sorry that you had to go through all of this by yourself.'"

Today, Cam continues his career in the industry as a voice-over actor with such credits as the singing voice of Simba in the recent Disney video hit, "The Lion King II: Simba's Pride", Leonardo in "The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" series, Snoopy from "The Peanuts" and Die Fledermaus on the Comedy Central hit cartoon, "The Tick." Cam's debut solo recording, "Inside Out," a collection of classic love songs sung from a gay perspective, was released on LML Music, May 18, 1999.

No wonder Raphael kept picking on Leonardo. Turtle was a fairy. :)


Bravely I look further than I see
Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now
I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is
And there's something right in front of me and I

Touch the fingers of my hand
And I wonder if it's me
Holding on and on to Theories of prosperity
Someone who can promise me
I believe in me

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be
Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me
Nothing in this room but empty space
No me, no world, no mind, no face

Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me
Holding on and on to Love, what else is real
A religion that appeals to me, oh
I believe in me

Can you turn me off for just a second, please
Turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless
Vacuum state of peace

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and
As long as you're in front of me then I'll

I watch the fingers of our hands
And I'm grateful that it's me
Holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything

                          - K's Choice

Monday, November 03, 2003


We were having a decent lunch. Not because the food was good, mind you, but we were united in the criticism of said comestibles. Just to two of us. And driving home, we even tentatively broached the taboo subject of gayness (no, my friend Joe is most definitely NOT gay, on the contrary...). We were doing something together we rarely ever do enough of anymore; just talking, communicating.

And then you do it again. I don't know if it's on purpose or just some innate skill on your part, much like Jack Nicholson's character in As Good as It Gets where you can totally piss off a person with just one wayward statement. But there you go.

With just one remark, the conversation does a complete turnaround and the tone shifts from warm and cautiously open to one of tension and irritation, ending with a genuinely hurtful statement.

No, I will NOT hide that I work at Hotstix. I do not care what other people may spread about what I have done in the past. I am not proud of some of the things I have done, but I will not be ashamed of them and deny that they ever happened either. I will not be ashamed of who I am. What I have done in the past is in the past. And I will NOT hide.

Naturally, you turn what was a very painful and vulnerable experience on my part into something that you have to worry about being ashamed about.

Never mind that I was at the lowest of the lows, with virtually no one to turn to (definitely not YOU) and that I am far away from being that hurt, pathetic little person mostly because of a wonderful, beautiful human being that you STILL refuse to meet, or even acknowledge that he exists. Of course, you have to make it All About You.

I thought that we were making some headway, and once again you tricked me. Well played.


To do List

It's the beginning of November, the final stretch before the end of the year (it's that time already? the year seemed to go so fast!...). Here are some things I pledge to do during this month:

- Reformat and set up PC (first priority!)
- Work on art for Fatal Posporpos website
- Finish writing at least one new song to completion
- Check J & B Music for guitar case
- Get some decent practice in on electric guitar
- Get back to working out on a regular schedule
- Check up on ice cream machine from Technolux, seek cheaper alternatives
- Finish some long-delayed writing assgnments, and:

- If it's possible, lose some weight in time for the holidays

Yeah, I can do this.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?