IMODO.COM -   the soaring chorus

Words to live by

Unless it's mad,
Passionate,
Extraordinary love,
It's a waste of your time.

There are too many mediocre things in life.
Love shouldn't be one of them.

        - Dream for an Insomniac

Apologies and Promises

A relationship, while providing happiness, fulfillment and companionship, also entails plenty of work, communication, finding the courage to say things that you're afraid to say, and even more communication. After some seven months or so of relatively bump-free honeymooning, I got my first taste of it.

All things considered, I'm glad it occurred; and I'm even more glad that it's over. With the newfound understanding of each other via what was said tonight, hopefully we can keep moving forward.

Together.

I hate everyone.

When I'm upset, I eat a lot

Tonight for dinner I ate half a roast chicken, a small mountain of coleslaw, and half a cup of rice. For dessert I wolfed down 4 miniature raisin-and-almond chocolate bars. And the night is still young.

I'm not really worried about gaining weight; I can always go and burn it off in Tae-bo or something. By myself, of course.

That the guy is a flower-sniffing pansy is just a coincidence, I assure you

I took the enagram test again, as you score in more than one category. These are my top two grades...



Healthy: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. / Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.



Healthy: Able to elicit strong emotional responses from others: very appealing, endearing, lovable, affectionate. Trust important: bonding with others, forming permanent relationships and alliances. / Dedicated to individuals and movements in which they deeply believe. Community builders: responsible, reliable, trustworthy. Hard-working and persevering, sacrificing for others, they create stability and security in their world, bringing a cooperative spirit.

At Their Best: Become self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent and cooperative as an equal. Belief in self leads to true courage, positive thinking, leadership, and rich self-expression.

Anger

An employee at the store -- lets call her Melanie -- where I work at called in sick last week. She arrived a day later, sporting a black eye, so her 'sickness' was in the form of her husband who she had just recently married, and was the father of her two month-old unborn child.

I usually stay out of the private lives of my employees, but physically abusive men are something I have an all-too intimate history with. It turns out that she was being pushed around by her husband even when they were dating, and married him primarily because of the baby. At the risk of sounding judgemental, that is such a sad, sad reason to get married.

I remember in high school where we went on an immersion trip in a shanty town. We had lunch with a couple who seemed nice, until I spoke with the wife who told me a chilling story. It seems that in her youth, she was being courted by several men, including her husband. Then one night, her husband climbed into her room and RAPED her. Her response? Since he had taken her maidenhood, the honorable thing to do was to marry him.

I'm sorry, but....................................... WHAT?????

I realize I am a child of modern times, and there's a lot of old customs and traditions that I don't really understand, but to reward someone who took you by force by basically giving him what he wants? Where the hell is the logic in that? Someone, please explain it to me.

Anyway, the reason she's staying with him are probably the reasons I have heard/read about/seen a jillion times: she loves him, she doesn't want to leave him, he's the father of my baby, blah blah BLAH. The facts are THIS: Any man who hits his wife, who is PREGNANT with his child, doesn't respect her as a partner, doesn't respect her as a lover, doesn't even respect her as a human being. And he won't stop. EVER.

I normally keep a distance between me and my employees, so I didn't really say much to her directly. But I told my mom (who has a closer relationship with them) to make it a point to tell Melanie that she had a place she could turn to if she 'got sick' again, as mom had some experience herself with abusive husbands. It's frustrating, because there's only so much you can do if the victim herself refuses to ask for help.

When I first heard her story I was seething with anger. What kind of sick, cowardly animal would strike a woman who was pregnant with his own child? I have some very strictly defined beliefs when it comes to violence. As a rule, I loathe it. Which is why although I work out and can bench press 220 pounds; I don't know how to fight. Because to be a truly good fighter you have to fight regularly and often. I don't have the inclination to do that, nor do I want to cultivate one. Intimidation via physical presence is as far as I'm willing to go (of course, by having confessed that in an online journal, I may have just exposed myself). I like being a big musclebound sissy.

Just the very thought of hurting someone else makes me nauseous, but the image of Melanie being punched in the eye by her husband overtakes that revulsion. As much as I hate fighting, men who beat their girlfriends are probably one of the only things that can drive me from my pacifist state into one willing to use my full strength to inflict as much pain as possible . God help the fool who pulls that type of shit in my presence. A part of me was praying that they would fight again and that she would run to us in refuge, and I could confront her husband directly and show the bastard what this homo was capable of. To paraphrase Eminem: I may be gay, but this man was a faggot.

A few days ago I answered a questionnaire via email that asked me what angered me most. I thought about it a lot and couldn't really come up with anything, so I answered "people without honor". Now I realize that isn't true. What angers me the most is are men who abuse the women they are supposed to love. There is no justification for that. None at all.

What saddens me the most are the women who choose to stay with them despite that.

Top Ten

I got this off the Savage Love archives of Dan Savage's (yes, that is his real name) advice columns. He's a sex columnist who is frank, pragmatic, brutal when he need to be and downright funny to boot. Check him out if you have some free time at the office.

Ten reasons why a gay roommate is better than a straight one

1. You'll have a roommate who won't fuck your girlfriend.
2. Can offer you fashion advice.
3. Won't fuck your sister when she visits.
4. Knows where to go to get a great haircut.
5. Knows tons of hot straight/bi chicks whom you can fuck.
6. Knows where to find the best underground parties.
7. Can get you X at wholesale rates.
8. And did I mention that you'll have a roommate who won't fuck your girlfriend?
9. Straight chicks will think you're all sensitive and stuff for having a gay roommate, and will want to fuck your brains out.
10. If you can't make rent, your roommate might settle for a blowjob.

The only time you will ever read about the Super Bowl on this blog

Was watching CNN this afternoon, and they did a story on the aftermath of the Super Bowl. Specifically, how the fans of the losing team (the hometown team was the one that lost) went apeshit and started destroying whatever they could reach. They showed footage of fans just looking to cause as much damage as possible; brazenly looting stores even in front of TV cameras.

No one was killed, but the property damage was extensive. The black eye to the city's reputation? Even more so. Okay, the following is going to be SO sexist, but can someone please explain to me just what is WITH you hetero men that you have to go around destroying stuff when your team loses?

I am fully aware of the anthropological function of sports in a society that frowns upon physical aggression as a way to settle conflict. That's what sports are, really. Escapism and a way to channel all of the latent aggression hardwired in our primitive male brains, whether vicariously or in person. But try telling that to a storeowner who had his shop looted and burned to the ground because a couple idiots' team got their asses kicked. I mean, seriously, what the FUCK?

You don't hear about WOMEN doing anything that stupid, ditto for us gay guys.

*rolls eyes* straight men......

Now THIS cheered me up!

So, does this look like anyone familiar?.......




Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............ the eyes, the skin, that smile..... My two biggest weaknesses (Nelz and bearish caucasians) rolled into one. If I could have a threesome with two Nelzs, that would be the ultimate fantasy...

*hyperventilates*

Suddenly, my day just got a lot better.

Cooldown

Okay. Finally got a proper shower. Whatever was f'ing up my email has also been fixed. The phlegm in my lungs seems to have also subsided. I feel much better now than I did this morning.

However, I don't know what will happen when the medicine I took wears off. And lost a day in working out, both in weights and in cardio. (I have a set schedule of the week and losing a day sets me back) I also went to Sta. Mesa to see if they could do anything about my terminal guitar case, and as expected, none of them offered any help.

This was a day spent in self-indulgence, and not willingly, might I add. I basically spent the entire day in front of the computer checking my email, downloading music, and blogging. It sounds blissful; a day off yeah, but not really. It's much too early in the week for me to appreciate something like this. It's like being served a banana cream pie after having just polished off a quart of Baskin-Robbin's Ice Cream. I just feel like the day was wasted, and that I should have done much, much more.

Well, it's only 4 in the afternoon, so hopefully I can salvage something out of this day, somehow. Tomorrow, I'm attending the Food & Drink Expo at Megamall where I'm hoping to get some fresh leads on ice cream machines and maybe storage facilities as well. While I'm there I'll check out J&B Music to see if the have any guitar hard cases in stock.

*sighs* I hope tomorrow goes well so it balances out the lousiness of today.

God loves, man hates

Got this from The Advocate.com:

Pope calls gay families "Inauthentic"

Pope John Paul II warned Sunday against "inauthentic" versions of the family, stressing that a union between a man and woman is the only true one in God's eyes. The pope made his comments after the conclusion of the Roman Catholic Church's world conference on families in the Philippines--a meeting dominated by exhortations from church officials against divorce, abortion, and same-sex marriages.

The pontiff, speaking from his studio window above St. Peter's Square, said the meeting reaffirmed that the family, based on a union between a man and a woman, is the authentic signal "of life and hope for humanity." In defining what he meant by family, he said, "It's certainly not that inauthentic one based on individual egoism. Experience has shown that such a 'caricature' has no future and cannot give future to any society."

I wouldn't tolerate a stranger or even an acquaintance saying such hurtful things in my presence. Why then should I accept it from the Pope without complaint? The day that I decide I can no longer reconcile being part of a church that has open contempt for me has not arrived yet. But it gets closer, every day.

For reverence to be given, one has to earn my respect first. And it's not that hard to do, really. Just treat others as you would have them treat you. I read that in a book somewere, but I can't recall which one.

From the looks of things, neither can John Paul.

Rants Part 2

This is officially a BAD DAY.

Was going to go take a shower before I went off to work, but discovered there's no fricking water in the house. No washing my hair. No scrubbing the grime off my body. No washing my oily face. Not even fricking toothbrushing. Forget going to work. How am I supposed to greet customers at the counter in THIS condition? God fricking DAMMIT!

And do I have any email yet? ............Nope.

F U C K. I'd go back to bed, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm fricking DIRTY.

Nobody talk to me today.

Rants

Woke up this morning hacking again. Spitting up phlegm every two minutes. Dammit. Was going to work out this morning, but it looks like the stupid whatever that I had last week has knocked me down again and is holding my lungs hostage. Will take it easy for today, hopefully work out tomorrow. Grrrrr.... How the hell can I lose the holiday lard I built up if I keep getting sick like this?

Problem with my email too. All my Yahoo! accounts have been bouncing, which is why I haven't received a letter in 2 days. I even missed one of Nelz's Truecolors messages. I reactivated my account, and it seems like things are fine now (I just received nelz's newest letter) but apart from that my email is still painfully silent. Crap, I didn't know how addicted to email I was.

On the career search, was following the leads on ice cream machines. Seems like the one being most sold today are those lousy soft-serve doohickeys which are slowly becoming a new cottage industry. My other option is a pricey gelato machine which, while is an option that is used by my presumed competitors (Pazzo), I don't want to make gelato, I want to make good, old-fashioned quality ice cream. Will look into tracking down those dirty ice cream machines again. There's a food and drink Expo in Megamall this wednesday. Will I see something there? *crosses fingers*

Finally, just took a look at my guitar case, and it is definitely on its' last legs. The final hinge which the case's lid is fastened to is slowly coming off, having to take the slack of the other two broken ones. Since I'm not working out today, I'll probably head over to Sta. Mesa and see if they can have a crack at it. I'm already expecting to be turned down already.

That's it. I really should be getting off to work now. Do I have any email yet?

*checks*

.....................Nope.

Damn.

Yeah, this is me


free enneagram test

Type Four - The Individualist

        The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Quote of the day (or last night, to be precise...)

"Ang laki!!" (so big!)

      - Nelz, with a big smile on his face & while holding a piece of my anatomy

Movie and Resto Reviews, IMODO.COM-style

Finally broke my self-imposed, sickness-induced exile and met Nelz last night for Dinner and a movie in Megamall. We ate at Kitchen; and while I got full and the ambience was nice, I wasn't too impressed with it as a place to eat. I read through their menu thrice, and when I was done I didn't really find too many things that I went "oooh! I want to come back and give this a try!". The restaurant doesn't have anything for kids or people beyond a certain age (or sensibility). Strictly 18-34 bracket; the yuppie crowd. I appreciate experimentation more than the next guy, but novelty of Fusion Cuisine is beginning to lose its' luster with me.

Caught the last full show of The Hot Chick. Before I say anything else I admit, yes, it is a very flawed film. **Spoiler Warning** Plotholes you can drive a truck through, way too many characters and subplots competing with each other But it is also a very, very, very funny film that had Nelz, me, and the entire theater roaring in laughter the duration of the movie.

Because the plot of the movie is about gender-bending and body-switching, it's not technically a gay movie, but there was plenty of incidental gay-themed humor anyway, which was an extra-special treat for Nelz and me: The title character's little brother has a penchant for cross-dressing, the boyfriend struggles to deal with his love's ... uhm... changes to her life. Hell, there's even some lesbian content as the heroine's best friend (played very sweetly by Anna Faris, who I found myself getting a pseudo-crush* on) falls in love with the with her as a man. And in case you were wondering: this movie's Obligatory Filipino Reference comes in the form of a cameo for a certain dish, and yes, his mom makes yet another appearance. It's kinda sweet, really for him to keep putting his mom in his movies. **end spoiler warning**

Rob Schneider's type of humor is very broad, where basically nothing is too degrading or humiliating for him to do to get a laugh. It's very Pinoy in that sense as it relies more on physical comedy and lowbrow humor, which explains why his movies do better here than in the states. Overall, it's a very funny, brainless movie that makes no pretense to be anything else. Verdict: Way funnier than The Animal, ranking up there with Deuce Bigalow. Watch it if you're a fan of lowbrow, Adam Sandler-type movies.

* Before anyone thinks I'm going all bi or something, nobody get excited. I define 'Pseudo-Crush' as a non-sexual admiration mixed with affection, best exemplified by Rosie O'Donnell openly fantasizing about Tom Cruise in her talk show. She swoons at the image of him shirtless doing her lawn, but nothing beyond that. I loved Scary Movie and saw it 5 times, and I'm happy to see her getting more roles. In short: Yeah, I find her cute, but I don't wanna **** her.

Maybe he can say it's for straight women?....

Just a quick news tidbit: Today, Nelz's bosses asked him to design a straight porn site.

Oh, the irony.....

Bitch, bitch, bitch

I've spent virtually then entire weekend home. I haven't been out. I haven't done anything worthwhile. I'm bored to the point of climbing the walls, and I'm missing Nelz something fierce.

To top it all off, I have an entire afternoon of making bantay my car to look forward to tomorrow as the Operator of the IDIOT who plowed into it last wednesday will fix the long nasty scratch on the side. I opted of settling the matter without filing a police feport in the spirit of good will, I hope I don't end up regretting it.

Plus, I miss Nelz.

I am very. Very. Grumpy right now.

Crap!

Doc prescribed me some powerful (and expensive, darn it) antibiotics to knock out this bacteria I have. One unplesant side effect of the medicine: It's given me LBM and I find myself having to go to the bathroom every 45 minutes.

WONderful....

No fair looking it up in Google

Got this quiz off another blog, which definitively shows how much of a couch potato you were in your youth. I thought I would ace this thing, but even I left like one-fourth of it unanswered. Some of these things are HARD. If this was a category in Game Ka Na Ba?, I'm not sure that I would get the final prize....

Popeye's friend who loves to eat burgers: Wimpy
Fast moving mouse in Looney Toons: Speedy Gonzalez
Thundercats's villain team that includes Chillah:
Family name of Jaime of Voltes 5: Richards
The dog of Richie Rich: Dollar the Dollar-matian
Smurf that always carries his mirror: Vanity Smurf
Principal of Riverdale High: Mr. Weatherbee
A superfriend who is able to become a giant: Apache Chief
Dennis the Menace's annoyed old neighbor: Mr. Wilson
Autobot that can transform to a space shuttle: Sky Lynx
Care Bear that can not speak: Secret Bear
Leader of the good Visionaries:
The only girl in the Tiger Sharks:
The blonde main star of Bevery Hills Teens:
The youngest member of the Jetsons: Elroy
The nerdy guy of Ghostbusters: Egon Spengler
Garfield's friend dog: Odie
Bad guy leader in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder
Three-faced good guy, a friend of He-Man: Man-E-Faces
The tiger in Shirt Tales:
Evil woman in Daimos:
Complete name of Archie's friend jughead: Forsythe P. Jones
Lion-O's sword: Sword of Omens
Enemy of Spiderman with a fishbowl-like head: Mysterio
Leader of the villains in Inhumanoids: Moltar
G.I. Joe's enemy that turns to stone due to sunlight:
Tree home of the dwarf friends of John Blackstar:
Leader of the evil Visionaries:
Archie's teen-witch friend: Sabrina
The boss of Peter Parker: J. Jonah Jameson
An omega bomb will kill this giant robot hero: Mekanda Robo (da-da-da-da-da-da-da!)
He takes care of Yogi Bear's Park: Ranger Smith
Old wizard who is a Gummi Bear: Zummi Gummi
Ship piloted by Little John: Volt Frigate
Astroboy's little sister: Urane
Hanna Barbera's pink panther that talks funny: Snagglepuss (the first openly gay HB 'toon)
Home planet of the enemies of Voltes 5: Bozania
Care Bear that has a four-leaf clover on his tummy: Good Luck Bear
Pet dog of Lisa Simpsons: Santa's Little Helper
Carrier ship of batroid, gerwalk & valkerie: Macross
Show about high-tech dinosaurs from outer space: Dino-saucers
The evil-rhino guy from T. M. Ninja Turtles: Rocksteady
The plant-like monster from the Inhumanoids: Tendril
Thundercat that operates the Battle Tank: Panthro
Mickey Mouse's pet dog: Pluto
Family name of Bugs Bunny's bearded enemy Sam: Yosimite
Walt Disney's famous chipmunks: Chip and Dale
Adam's scaredy cat in He-man: Cringer
Monster leader from Mario Bros.: Bowser
Cunning red-head bird that has a distinct laugh: Woody Woodpecker
The only muppet that appears in Sesame Street: Kermit the Frog
Show about pandas in search of pyramid crystals: Panda-monium
The kind of energy that powers Daimos:
The hairy monster in Adam's Family: Cousin It
Girl that belongs to the good Visionaries:
Brave nephew of Scoobydoo: Scrappy-Doo
The scaredy duck in Garfield and Friends: Wade
The Robot partner of Mazinger Z: Aphrodite A
The only decepticon that hates their leader: Starscream
Popeye's baby: Swee'Pea
Boy that has his hair sticking up in the Rascals: Alfalfa
Care Bear that has a sun in her tummy: Funshine Bear
Bad guy in Voltes 5 who's the half brother of Steve: Prince Zardoz
Enemy leader of the Silverhawks: Mon*Star
To gear up they shout, "Power Extreme!": Centurions
Family name of Steve, Big Bert and Little John: Armstrong
They project ropes to travel on high altitudes: Sky Commanders
He's the brother of Mrs. Richards in the Fantastic 4: Johnny Storm
One-horned villain in Voltes 5:
Partner of Koji Kabuto in Mazinger Z:
Alien flying saucer that transforms to a robot hero: UFO Grandizer
First big robot hero remotely controlled by a boy:
The mysterious racer in Speed Racer: Racer X
Richard shouts these words to enter Daimos:
Form Voltron, activate: Keys
Creator of the cartoon Smurfs: Peyo
Robot formed when the protectobots merge: Defensor
Smurf-like creatures that live under the sea: Snorks
Base camp of Voltes 5: Camp Falcon
Owner of the invisible jet: Wonder Woman
Creator of Garfield: Jim Davis
The baby long-neck in the "Land Before Time": Littlefoot
Robot formed when the combaticons merge: Bruticus
Astoboy's evil big brother: Atlas
Favourite food of Alf: Cats
Creator of the Simpsons: Matt Groening
Leader of the Voltron Force, Lions Team: Kieth
Best friend of Richard in Daimos:
The powerful neutral wizard in Visionaries:
An Inhumanoid that has its ribs exposed: D'Compose
Robot formed when the constructicons merge: Devastator
Show about the Old Testament: Superbook
The kind of energy that powers Voltes 5:
Space hero that rides in the Ghost Ship: Space Ghost
Prehistoric family that pets Ego, Tantro & Zak: Herculoids
Full name of the pilot of Bomber 2:
Girl that belongs to the evil Visionaries:
Friend of She-Ra that is half buttefly and half owl: Kowl
Next commander of Voltes 5 after Dr. Smith died:
Original pilot of Blue Lion before Pricess Alura: Sven

I watched waaaaaaayyy too much television.

Both Sides Now

I attended a wedding of some dear friends of mine earlier in the week, a lovely little ceremony held in Paco Park. I had never been inside before, but I have to say that it was a beautiful place. The wedding itself was by this kindly old priest who had an................. interesting speech. Let me elaborate.

First of all, he congratulated my friends on tying the knot. Then he commended them for getting married in January, as it was also the month of the World Prayer Rally for families. This was a little unusual, but okay.

Then comes the interesting part.

He talks further about the Prayer Rally, how it is to protect "The Family", and how it relates to their marriage. Then he goes on to declare that Marriage is (paraphrasing here) :

"Between a man and a woman. And the church will never allow a marriage between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Because that is unacceptable!"

As I sat there quietly taking this in, my eyebrow went halfway to the ceiling of the high domed church.

OKAY. First of all, I didn't know that weddings now became soapboxes for priests to advertise their own personal beliefs? It's one thing to have a position on homosexuality, and I freely admit I will not live to see the day that gays, let alone gay marriage will be welcomed by the catholic church with open arms. But I draw the line at someone espousing their bigoted views to my face and blathering on how I am not welcome, at a ceremony that isn't even about them. Plus, he said it with this condescending tone that made it even more infuriating. Save your speech for your own sermon, father.

I tell you, I was SO tempted to walk out of the chapel right there and then. Anyway, as I said, this wedding was all about my friend, I kept telling myself over and over (and over and over) again. So, in addition to the trifle dish I had bought them, my keeping silent was yet another wedding present to them.

As father Asshole droned on, he finally remembered to talk about the people actually getting married. He likened their marriage, stangely enough, to the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now, with him actually singing each line, and using it as an analogy to how they should treat one another. And as he sang, in key, mind you, it slowly dawned on me.

The priest was a flaming fag.

As soon I realized it I quickly texted my friend who was photographing the event. He glanced at me after reading my text and agreed enthusiastically. It all made sense now. I mean, Joni Mitchell?? Not exactly the first music choice among men. I bet you pesos to puto that he's also probably got some Broadway soundtracks & Barbara Streisand albums stowed away in his closet as well.

The simplest way I can describe him is that he spoke with the katarayan of Manoling Morato, and he had the delicate air of Ricky Reyes. There's nothing really I can say in print to make it easier to describe what I saw, except that if you were to see him for yourself you would take one look at him, turn to me and say "Yep, you're right."

Anyway, it got me to thinking: About if this priest really was gay, how could be so hostile against people who shared his pain. Then I thought about it from his point of view. Imagine you are a man who finds himself with desires that everything he has been taught and believes to this point deems to be "sinful". You enter the seminary, to a life of celibacy so as to prevent any chance of succumbing to those sinful desires. You live a life you believe to be righteous and just. The tinge of sadness you feel over the feeling that there is something fundamental about yourself you are denying; you chalk that up to your sacrifice in the name of god.

Now picture a movement that comes along, decades after you made your decision, that claims that the desires you submerged, the very foundation of your spiritual being is in fact not sinful, but a very real and valid part of human existence. And that following these desires does not mean turning away from God. That these people can be just as worthy, just as holy, just as good as 'normal' folk.

What would it mean to a person like that? It would render his entire life of sacrifice basically for nothing. That his years of denying himself, his telling himself that his urges were evil and must be locked away were in fact unecessary. Faced with such a movement, that person would be just as vigilant, at protecting the faith that he subscribed to, perhaps even more so than a straight priest who had no understanding of the sacrifice that was made.

Someone once wrote that up to 10% of the priesthood was composed of gay men, maybe more. The reasons for their joining are probably as varied as the people themselves. And I don't doubt that there are some gay men who answered the call with just a sincere a desire to serve god as a straight man would. But there are more than likely some poeple who become priests in order to enter an environment that prohibited sexual activity, so as to remove all temptation of their urges.

This is inflammatory, but it's also fact. You need only to look at all the emerging stories of Priests who abuse women and children. It's not just gays that are repressed in the priesthood. Before anyone takes this as a direct attack on organized religion written by a man furious at the Catholic Church, let me assure you that I haven't gone that far. Yet. I'm sure that the good priests far outweigh the bad; it's just the latter that get all the press.

But at the same time the very thought that these people, who are supposed to represent God, espouse such hurtful ideologies -- and, yes it was hurtful I laughed it off in Paco Park, but deep down, I was hurt-- At the priest for saying that in essence, if I were to find someone that I loved enough that I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with, and celebrate it in a ceremony for all to see, that I wouldn't be welcome there. Never mind if I too was a christian. Never mind if my love was just as real as my friends who were married that day.

"The church will allow a marriage between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Because that is unacceptable!"

When I first started this entry it was supposed to end on a lighthearted note; on how I have a new understanding on how some people of the church can be so fervently homophobic, and that some compassion is in order. But now, as I sit here, having read all that I wrote down, I find myself with a heavy heart.

It saddens me that an organization that has its' foundations supposedly based on love can be so hateful towards me just because of who I choose to love. That I am a part of that organization, following their rituals, and I can't reconcile the contradiction. But most of all, it saddens me that the some of the most fervent haters of gays are themselves gay. That the hatred they direct towards us is in effect also towards themselves.

To be gay is to be persecuted. You'd think of all people, Christians would be the ones to sympathize with that.

BLECH part 2

Just came from the doctor to have this lingering cough that's been bothering me since last week checked. Apparently my lungs are filled with phlegm, and I'm stuck with some kind of bacteria. He advised me to stay in bed and get plenty of rest.

Worst of all, he said that I'll be contagious for at least 72 hours, so I should refrain from going out until then. Nelz and I haven't seen each other since Sunday, and with this stupid sickness, that means this weekend is shot to hell as well.

This marks the longest time we haven't seen each other since we met.

*POUT*

BLECH

Am sick.


*cough*

*cough*

*COUGH*

*HUAAAAAAAAKK*

*spitui*


Ugh.

New Hair Day

Last thursday, I finally took the plunge and got my hair colored for the first time ever. I picked a reddish-brown highlight, as Nelz had already done the blonde thing (and changed it so a dark brown soon after). Plus, I always liked that anime design archetype of the dusky character with bright red hair, so I knew that combination went well with my skin color.

The reception to it from people has been generally positive, if a little shocked. As expected, the ones who took it the poorest was my mom. El Mudra didn't look me in the eye for two days after I did it; and while she didn't say anything to me specifically about the hair (as it would merely deteriorate into another fight), I knew she hated it.

According to her you see, she associated hair coloring with "the people on the street" (a.k.a. jologs, tao sa kanto, etc.). Not even going into how elitist that statement is, it's not even a valid argument, as hair coloring is a fashion accounterment utilized by people from all social strata, from the pedestrian (the aforementioned jologs) to the fabulous (Beyonce Knowles; the best example I can think of for hair coloring doing wonders for one's look). From that argument, you might as well refuse to wear pants because jologs wear pants.

For those who have never done it or are currently toying with the idea, here are my thoughts so far:

        -Yep, my hair is definitely not as supple as before. Like it or not, coloring and bleaching damages your hair, and I imagine if I were to do this repeatedly to my hair, some real damage would occur. Moderation is the key, along with plenty of conditioner.

        - Never underestimate what changing just one accessory can do for your entire wardrobe. Ensembles that used to be just okay on me seem to fit even better overall with the reddish top, and lighter colors which didn't go so well before look better on me now. (this utterly vain statement proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am as gay as they come. )

        - You know that eye test where a the same color can look darker or lighter depending on the surrounding colors? The same holds true for hair, apparently. People have asked me if I took a skin whitening cream along with the highlights, as I apprently appear lighter in skin tone. This is an unexpected, if utterly welcome development. Coloring your hair a lighter shade lightens the whole of your face as a result; and presumably the opposite is true for darker hair on pale faces. an interesting little tidbit to say the least.

It's been a fun experiment, and I definitely plan on doing this again. I'm already thinking about what color to do next (kaya ba platinum blonde? hmmmmmmmm!!...). Hair coloring, along with clothes and jewelry, is just another fun way to help define one's look and distinguish themselves from the crowd. And hey, if it doesn't work, you can always grow it out or just cut it all off. It's not like it's a tattoo or anything.

A funny little epilogue to this story is that last night, mom had this dinner party at a fancy Chinese restaurant and some of her guests pulled out at the last minute. Since it was already paid for, she decided (reluctantly, I'm sure) to bring me and my siblings along instead. When we got there we saw all sorts of people sporting colored hair; both Chinese and Filipino, and most definitely not of the jologs variety. Hell, even one of my aunts sported long flowing hair streaked with blonde.

Needless to say, I don't think mom will be bringing up the jologs analogy up again anytime soon, as I already have an automatic retort.

Reality TV News

According to ew.com, the latest season of Survivor will be shot in Brazil (no, it's not Siquijor guys, sorry). And this time, they promise a real twist: Unlike in Survivor:Thailand, where tribes divided by gender were teased, this time it really will be boys against girls: A tribe of women versus a tribe of men.

I have to admit, I was reeeeeeeeally bored with the previous season (Brian looked like the clear winner early on, and that's exactly what happened) but this one, at least on the outset, does look truly intriguing.

Depending on which tribe prevails in a given episode, the split provides ample opportunity for some good-natured gloating ("See? Boys can't do ANYTHING without us girls"!). All sorts of stereotypes have the chance to be either confirmed or broken this season, and I for one will be watching the premiere.

I of course, am rooting for the women to kick the men's asses.

Quote of the day

"You need your heart broken to realize what you want"

                      - some guy from reality show The Bachelorette.

One does not usually look to reality TV (a guilty pleasure at best) for sagely wisdom, but this is one insight I wholeheartedly agree with.

Let me be.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
And He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

                                                                                      - Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

Countdown

In less than 18 hours, Nelz and I will be watching The Two Towers at Rockwell in reserved seats (purchased last monday; those babies went FAST). We shall finally, finally see the continuation of Tolkien's masterpiece. And once again, we shall be able to see Samwise Gamgee, the chunk hunk onscreen. In case you haven't been reading my blog lately, Samwise is the only guy who is in both Nelz and my 'Celebrity List' (and if you don't know what that is.... try watching old episodes of Friends for a clue).

Screw Legolas! He's just a pretty boy twink! We want our heroes with some meat on their bones! If you should be at the same theater tomorrow night and happen to hear upon the Hobbit's first appearance; a high pitched squeal of delight going "Samwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!!!!" that's probably us.

I apologize in advance.

19 hours, 4 minutes, and counting.....

Strike a Pose

Losing my Religion

There are radio ads being broadcasted plugging the Pope John Paul II (who is looking more and more like a walking corspe by the day) World Prayer Rally. To say that they are provocative is an understatement. One plays the sounds of a boot supposedly driven into the stomach of a woman being abused. Another features the plaintive cry of children asking fro help. And in one tv spot, they write down the list of things the want to stop. Interestingly, one of them is "Immoral Lifestyles". (Gee, I wonder what they're referring to?) They always end the same way: An announcer says that "The family is under attack" and invites all to come join in the Pope's prayer rally, in hopes of saving it.

This is the same church that prohibits divorce, forcing people to stay in unhappy marriages, being united only in name.

This is the same church that, in the age of our country being overwhelmed by overpopulation, still insists on prohibiting the use of contraceptives, even among married couples, thus helping to create the very situation they are praying for.

This is the same church that condemns homosexuality as 'sinful' (pssst, in the bible, it's just as sinful as hetero premarital sex) while at the same time repeated reports of sexual abuse of young women and boys are swept under the rug, with poeple feeling confident enough to come forward with their accusations only now?

And my mother worries why I'm such a heathen. It's because I'm spiritual that I'm so angry at the church. The Vatican is riddled with archaic concepts written by men with their own biases that no longer apply to the modern setting. Yet they stand their ground in the face of mounting criticism, and whether they do it intentionally or not, foster conditions that serve to create more gullible people who are buy what they're selling.

And they expect Prayer to solve all of these things? In lieu of what they have refused to do, over and over again? What's God's punishment for hypocrisy?

I believe that God helps those who first help themselves.

Lyric of the day

If your state is overweight, I'll carry you.

- itchyworms!, "Caveman Do"

Lyric of the day

Don't lose yourself in anyone.

- Cynthia Alexander, "Walk down the Road"

Ngarag

I am a light sleeper. I didn't really realize this until I saw how long and how deeply other people slept. For instance, Nelz doesn't sleep, he hibernates. He can sleep for up to nine hours straight and has been known to sleep half the day away on weekends. I on the other hand, sleep a maximum of six hours tops, and no matter what time I go to bed, usually wake up at around 8 am. I wake up fairly easily as well, the advantage being that I don't have that much of a 'zombie' state when I wake as I go from asleep to lucid fairly quickly.

The hard part of this is that along with being a light sleeper, I also have a complexion that is susceptible to the number of hours I keep. I sleep too late, or don't get enough hours: zits start sprouting on my face. I'm going through a particularly bad period of it right now, dating back from the start of the holiday season. Nelz has often told me that I should learn to relax more, to sleep longer, and I've tried to take his advice to heart, really I have. Last night, at around 8:30 pm, I was feeling run down. Instead of fighting the urge to sleep like I usually do, I decided to give into it and go to sleep.

The end result: I wake up at fricking three am in the morning, ready to go and nowhere to go to. Trying to go back to sleep was pointless as I had had my fill of rest and my body was not willing to go back for more. I ended up practicing the guitar instead (which was actually a good thing, as I hadn't had the chance to do that in quite a while) until the sun came up.

The problem is now, as I type this at 7 pm, I am a fricking wreck. My body is utterly exhausted, and the extra-strength coffee I forced down only makes me tense, but no less tired. I don't have any energy to write, practice, or any other thing that I was planning to do tonight, and it's all I can do to just stay awake until around 10 pm just so I wake up tomorrow at a more reasonable time.

I'm sorry baby, I tried. But I think some people really are just light sleepers.

Closed

On January 1, 2003, The Nelz Journal closed its doors and became a private blog. Nelz felt that it had strayed from its' original purpose of catharsis and he had fallen into a trap common to many who start a blog: Wheras he once wrote for personal release, he was now writing for an audience.

Now some people (like myself) who have huge egos, this is really no problem. But for Nelz, no longer was he in good conscience able to write the he way wanted without stepping on a few toes. I remember a converstation in the car where he warned me that what we write on our online journals can affect other people, so it was important to keep the topic firmly on ourselves so as not to inconvenience anyone. Anyone who knows Nelz personally will realize how ironic it is that he would be the one giving out advice on censoring onself.

It is interesting to note however that by a quick perusal of his earlier entries, self-censoring was never really a concern: Frustrations were vented, the most sordid of details regarding his sex life and emotional turmoils were put on display with little regard for the consequences. This is what made his journal such compelling reading; netting him more readers than even he knew about, and at one point nearly getting mentioned in the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

In its heyday, the Nelz Journal showcased a life, both the good and the bad, and was always the first destination on my browser when I booted up my computer in the morning. And now it is no more. To the rest of the world, anyway. He continues to write, but now it is for his eyes and his alone. I would be lying if I said I wasn't saddened by his decision, but I do understand where he's coming from.

I myself can recall several instances where I had either admonished him or voiced my concern when in a bout of depression, he would write the bleakest of entries. How cathartic can a blog be if one cannot vent his emotions without people looking over his shoulder? For a journal to truly be effective, it has to be honest with oneself; it's writer shoulbe be able to put down even the most disturbing of insights if it so pleases him. I'm sure he put a lot of thought into this decision; Once upon a time, putting all his feelings out there to the eyes of the world fulfilled a need, and now it doesn't anymore. And I have to be okay with that.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think the main reason behind my sadness over this decision is that it puts him a step away from me. I remember when we first started dating, there would be entries there that were meant solely for myself, and merely cryptic to anyone else who would read them. Knowing that he was speaking directly to me, above the din of the online world... I liked that. I enjoyed looking at his latest entry to see what he would talk about. The tone of the day would clue me in to his current mood, and how best to deal with it accordingly. Some days it was my only means of contact with him if things got especially hectic. Now, I can only wonder what's going through his mind.

I have a Messianic complex, I know. There's a part of me that need to be there for people; that if a friend or a loved one is in need, I have to be able to do something. The worst thing a person of my disposition can be told is "There's nothing you can do to help me." The absolute worst.

A loner myself, I appreciate more than most people the importance of having something that's just your own. Away from family, friends, and yes, even your loved one. There are some things that go through my head that I don't even share with Nelz, for fear of it changing his image of me for the worse. Having personal space; the time to be alone gives people like Nelz and I time to work things out, gain perspective on things. And hopefully, once we come back from that solitude, be even more appreciative of the people around us. So why is this bothering me so much?

I think my biggest concern is that if we were ever to have a fight, I know he would talk about it in his blog. And unlike before, I would be cut out of it totally, with no insight into his feelings, if he so chose to hide them (Not to say that he couldn't hide them even with the blog, mind you) I am extremely mindful about dealing with any potential problems between us, and I guess it feels like with the blog taken away, I've lost that bit of insight into him. That if we were ever to not work *knocks wood*, I can't help thinking that if his blog was still open to me, I could have done something about it.

Look how insane I am. Fretting about a fight that hasn't even happened. This is one of the reasons I don't tell Nelz everything; lest he start thinking I'm nuts. (oops, too late...) It just feels like............... before, there was a window of contact available between the two of us, and now there isn't.

Bleh. I don't think I'm making any sense anymore.