Friday, October 25, 2002

Current Music : Whirring of electric fan

Is that so?

Some quiz results pour vous.....

What kind of porno would you star in?

brought to you by Quizilla

I'm kind of disappointed with myself, actually....... bleah!!

sex squat

Your Sex Position is Sex Squat

Fierce. Passionate. And so penetrative!

If sex is deep, then it's HOT -

Get it deeper with this squat!

What's Your Sex Position?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Uhm. no comment.

Current Music | Someone whistling downstairs

Gone for the weekend

Will be off to.... *SECRET!* for the weekend and I won't be back til tuesday. Just want to say this now for all to hear:

Happy Birthday Nelz!!

The Goddess of Utter Fabulousness and my very own Teddy Bear of Love turns 28 this October 27. It's not how many years you rack up, babe, it's how you carry it. And you do a stupendous job.

And in case I haven't told you lately: I love you. Very, very much.

Now, off we go!

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Current music | The Bean Curve by Twisted Halo

Joey Baby is one hot bitch

Joey Baby is one hot bitch. Hee!.....

Current music | Mom talking to someone on the phone downstairs

The movie is close enough that this is actually current again

Yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

Sam's my fancy!
What's your fancy? Click here and tell the world!

Monday, October 21, 2002

Current Food | Post Toasties cornflakes with milk and sugar

Want some rice with your rice?

I was in the Rustan's Shangri-La grocery buying some groceries when I saw a new product being touted. I honestly didn't know whether to classify as a "really bad idea that should have been killed at the start" or "sign that we are really getting poor": Pista Pancit Ulam.

See, the idea is that thse are noodles that come in a variety of ulam-flavored varieties like pusit (squid), adobo, and the like. You fry them up and you serve them alongside white rice as your viand. I swear I am not making this up. Indeed, the packaging itself shows a supposedly-appetizing closeup of a spoonful of rice topped with some of the yummy noodles-that-are-as-good-as-meat.

I mean, who comes up with this stuff?? Flavoring carbs upon carbs, and you pass that off as a meal? That's like putting a slice of whole wheat bread inbetween two slices of white and calling it a sandwich. I can see it now: if this thing actually succeeds, they could do away with the noodle-rice distinction and just go with rice. The possibilities are endless:

- Kare Kare (Peanut butter rice, with a side dish of bagoong rice)
- Japanese Buffet (wasabe rice & rice mixed with soy sauce)
- Chinese Lauriat (chili garlic Rice, ginger Rice, soy sauce rice)
- Italian Feast (tomato sauce rice, pesto rice and Rice with cream sauce)

At least, people will be full, I guess. But what are they doing selling it in Rustan's of all places?....

Friday, October 18, 2002

Current Food | Spicy Tuyo with fried egg and garlic rice

ADDENDUM: Something I never thought I'd live to see

The self-proclaimed Queen of dedma so rattled by a tarot card reading. I take it back, that alone was worth the P350.


Current Music | Dreamcast Game in the next room

He's having HOW many kids?

Last night, as we were driving home from watching The Touch -- an ambitious, effects-driven film with a truly disappointing script; Michelle Yeoh is wasted here -- on a whim, we decided to go to Malate to have a Tarot Card reading. We were at Cafe Adriatico earlier this Monday with the Great Goddess Ulebs and she had her fortune told by a certain Madam Amor. I was intrigued by the ritual, and wanted to try it myself. Both of us figured that this was a good a time as any, so off we went.

As we waited for our turn to be read (there were four people ahead of us) and during the drive there, Nelz and I told each other past experiences with the supernatural. It seems both of us are not Psychic-sensitive, but we have plenty of friends who are. For example, more than one person has told Nelz that there is a presence living in his house. According to one particularly astute acquaintance, he has an elemental and a guardian residing in his first and second floor of his apartment, respectively. I guess it's a good thing my Third Eye isn't open to that kind of thing, as I would scare far too easily.

Then we told each other stories about past readings. Nelz told of one reading that predicted the end of one of his relationships via another man which, whether by coincidence or design, turned out to fit in retrospect. I told of one woman who visited our house a few years back, who took one look at me and correctly assessed that I was in love at the time. Nelz told of a friend seeing visions into his future, all the way to when he was an old man, and surrounded by children (whose children, he doesn't know).

Due to this, by the time my turn came up, we had both worked ourselves up into a state of heightened belief; we were both very receptive (and in my case, a little anxious) over whatever was going to be divined from our future. I sat down in front of Madam Amor and randomly picked 20 cards from an ordinary deck, then 15 cards from a tarot deck. She laid the cards out on the table and studied them quietly, reading into me and my destiny.

I'm somewhat familiar with how this works; the reader gives generalities and gauges the direction of the reading from the subject's reactions, as well as from leading questions. So I was careful to not reveal anything from my face and to say as little as possible so as not to give her anything to go on. I also was in maximum 'straight' mode and didn't tell her I was gay, just to add to the fun. As far as she knew, (at first anyway) the guy sitting next to me was just my buddy.

Some things she said: That I would be successful in my career goals, but I will undergo some trials that will make me want to give up. It all depends on how much I persevere. Something that can be said of pretty much anyone, right? Moving on....

In character readings I have to admit she was on the mark: She said that I was very choosy when it comes to relationships, but when I decided that would be it. She said that I was very demonstrative when it came to showing my affection, and that I had a jealous streak. Nelz confirmed all of this with me afterwards. So I have to admit, these are specifics that could have easily been way off-base had they been said to another person, but she said them to me.

But what was MOST interesting was what she divined from my love life. That I would meet, in the near future, the person that I was going to marry. And it would be a Morena Woman. I don't know how Nelz was able to keep a straight face through all this, but God bless him, he did. Apparently, although I am with someone right now, Morena Woman will come along and force me to make an agonizing decision over who to choose. And Morena Woman is just the first of two women who will come into my life and complicate matters! Kawawa naman si Nelz!!!

By then her credibility with me was utterly gone, but I wanted to give her one last chance to redeem herself. I asked her to describe the 'person' I was with right now. She drew one card from the playing deck: A Jack of Clubs. She said that "she" was a good dresser, (hmm...) A hard worker, (hmmmm....) had wavy hair (hmmmmm!!....), a pleasant face and nice eyes (okayyyy!! ).

Now at this point I don't know if it dawned on her that we were more than friends and she was covering her ass, but as she said the 'nice eyes' comment she turned to Nelz, showed the card and said "di ba?" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud at my baby. :)

After the very Hetero Future reading, Nelz cattily said out loud "I think I'll have my palm read instead!", so we waited maybe another half hour for Madam Lina. When she was open, we both sat in front at her table and Nelz exposed his hands to her.

Okay, I have to admit, this reading was a lot more accurate. It was mostly a character reading, which got a lot of Nelz's personality down pat when it came to love and relationships. She also said that there is a meeting that will lead to prosperity that he should not put off lest he lose the opportunity (very, very accurate there).

However, when it came to his love life that's when it got interesting again. At first it was promising; she said that there was someone in his life that loved him very much (very true), and that there were other people looking to make a play for Nelz (also true), and that would complicate matters between him and whoever he was with at the time. Sounds on-target, right?

AND THEN she said that there was someone else coming into his life in the near future. Although the one that he was with right now loved him very much, it was "patapos na raw". I kept a straight face and said to Nelz "Kawawa naman siya!" To which he replied "Oo nga!" .

Of course, to top it all off, she told Nelz flat out that he would have seven (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) children. I couldn't help looking right at him after hearing that. Both of us have discussed the possibility of experiencing biological fatherhood and perhaps even a straight encounter at least once in our life, but seven kids? Is not an experiment. That's a roaring declaration.

Apparently, the future holds for us not only a split, but a full-fledged return to heterosexuality. The reading cost P350 pesos. I honestly don't know whether or not I was gypped. Maybe I should tell my mom about it and she can reimburse me. I know she'd be ecstatic to hear what my future was.

It was good, having a reading that was accurate and way off-base at the same time. Right before we had the reading I was ready to believe whatever Madam Amor had to say. But afterwards it gave me a better perspective. Had Nelz had his palm read first, I might nave given way more credibility to the reading than I did, and it might have even affected our relationship in the way self-fulfilling prophecies do.

Driving home, we had a running joke with me going "Patapos naman tayo, eh!" and him retorting "May morena naman na dadating sa buhay mo!" and both of us laughing our asses off. The entire thing was done for our amusement, and we got that in spades. Ultimately, your destiny is what YOU make of it, not some fortune tellers.

I know it's evil of me, but it was soooooooooooo funny seeing Nelz pretend to not be affected by my Tarot Card reading, when it was so obvious that he was. He started talking a lot, about how things aren't set in stone, about destiny, and how we should both keep our minds open to whatever may happen down the line. Finally, he looked me in the eye and said in all seriousness, that whatever I decide, he just wants me to be happy.

I told him if he wanted me to be happy, then he should never leave me.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Current Music | Whirring of the computer

Conversations with a Hetero

Me: Oy, kumusta na?
Straight Male Friend: Okey lang!
Me: Anong bago sa 'yo?
Straight Male Friend: Wala naman..
Me: .............
Straight Male Friend: .................
Me: ...................
Straight Male Friend: ........................
Me: ............................................................................................
Straight Male Friend: ......................................................................

Someone needs to teach a course on Small Talk For Straight Guys.

Current Music | television playing downstairs

The List

The 'Celebrity List' was taken off an old episode of Friends. The idea is that you come up with a list of up to 5 celebrities that you can sleep with, given the opportunity *snort* and your partner cannot get upset. It's lots of fun as long as you aren't insecure, and it's also rather illuminating in that you find out the type of people both you and your partner fantasize about, and if you share any common ground (see below). My list is as follows:

1) John Goodman (circa 1990) - I had a giant crush on him when Roseanne came out and loved loved loved seeing him onscreen before he got unhealthily obese (the man is huge now. I keep waiting to open the paper and read about him having a stroke, like John Candy). Handsome face, great hair, and a wonderful sense of humor. My first example of the 'Gentle Giant' archetype that I have a big weakness for. He’s large, but extremely gentle and kind. And sexy as hell. The father that I never had but I wish I did.

2) Eric Allan Kramer from Robin Hood: Men in Tights- This blonde chunk hunk played the good-natured doofus Little John in this so-so Mel Brooks parody, and was the only thing in the film worth watching. I couldn’t keep my eyes off his huge arms, which were gleefully exposed via his merry men uniform. Not really much of a star, but you can see a (very fuzzy) pic of him as Little John here.

3) Michael Cudlitz from Band of Brothers - He played the character Sargeant Denver "Bull" Randleman in this HBO miniseries. Big. Bulky. Blonde. 'Nuff said.

4) Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee - Need I say more? Beautiful eyes, unkempt hair that manages to be both messy and sexy at the same time, pinchable cheeks, and a double chin that I’d love to nibble on. Viewed from a gay perspective, his devotion and sheer unconditional love for Frodo is touching to see. He’s the one guy on both Nelz’s list and mine as well, and the only person we would willingly do a threesome with. Whenever we see him on the screen we simutaneously scream "Samwiiiiiiiiise!!" with no shame whatsoever, so consider yourselves warned if you watch The Two Towers with us.

5) The Beast from X-Men. Okay, so he’s not a real-life person. And I have a more realistic shot with the other 4? My first male crush, before I accepted that I was gay myself. Another large, bulky guy with the added bonus of fur (keeps you warm on chilly nights) and brains, to boot. There’s just something about the contrast of being large and powerful yet immensely gentle and kind at the same time that turns me to jelly.

This fictional character played a vital role in my post-adolescent years as the only channel of my gay attractions while I was in denial about my sexuality. He served his function well enough, providing me with an outlet of release while I was still in the closet. Compassionate, intelligent and strong, Henry McCoy came to embody both what I wanted from a lover, and what I aimed to be as a lover myself. After finally coming out, I went and got my own big, fuzzy intellectual bear of a sweetheart. ;)

I may have my fantasies, but the reality beats them all hands down. I Love you, honey! *Mwah!*

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Current Music | Silence

This is so cool

Intelligent Artificial Neohuman

Cybernetic Android Responsible for Assassination and Nullification/Device Assembled for Nocturnal Gratification

"Nocturnal Gratification??" hehehehehe I LIKE the sound of that....

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Current Music | Nu 107 chatter

Screw It

There are several reasons why I'm pissed off by the Catholic Church. I try to reconcile things by reminding myself that I believe in God, but the people in charge are getting things horribly, horribly wrong and/or are putting in their own beliefs and passing it off as canon. Case in point:

The Philippine Daily Inquirer today did a small story on pundits criticizing President Arroyo, and how she can apparently do nothing right. Not exactly breaking news, right? But what's interesting is what went down. GMA was fielding questions from the Foreign Correspondents Association of the Philippines (Focap). One female correspondent asked her, tongue firmly planted in cheek, whether she still had sex.

"Plenty" was her good-natured reply. To which I say: You go, girl!!

While her audience was vastly amused, many other poeple were not. Senator Panfilo Lacson said of her comments: "Kaya tayo naghihirap" (That's why we're poor). Bayan Muna Rep. Crispin Beltran announced that he did not find the 55-year old President beautiful, sexy, or appealing. Anyone who makes statements like that had better be extremely good-looking, lest people suddenly turn on them and start evaluating their own level of attractiveness. Nothing says feeling gwapo (narcissistic) more than being critical about other people's looks.

I swear, I'm glad our President is a bitch. There's no other way someone can shrug off asinine criticisms like that.

Now, being from the opposition, these people are just looking for things to criticize, so in a way I can ignore/forgive them. But what REALLY infuriated me is how the catholic church (or a misguided representative of it, but a representative nontheless) used it as an opportunity to promote its' own agenda which were puritanical, archaic, and quite frankly a little scary.

Activist Priest Fr. Robert Reyes said she should be celibate to be able to improve her efficiency as head of state. "Look at us priests" Reyes said, "Celibacy makes us more productive". As child molesters.

Reyes also said that Ms. Macapagal's remarks were "un-presidentiable" and did not go with her efforts to project herself as a "Devout Catholic". Isn't Gloria married? Supposedly happily so? So she's not committing adultery, right? She's probably not using contraception given her age (contraception is evil doncha know), so the only thing she's apparently guilty of is Having sex with her husband. Burn the witch.

Let me see if I get this straight:

- Homosexuality is wrong because it is outside the biblical definition of sex which is one man, one woman.

- Sex outside marriage is wrong, because that is an expression of love that is reserved only for a husband and his wife (the rest of us unmarried heathens have no right to this avenue of happiness).

- Artificial Contraception is wrong, even between two married people, because it is unnatural and goes against the will of God. You may have 10 kids that you can't feed and nurture properly, but at least you aren't sinning.

- Having sex for anything other than the goal of procreation is wrong, because you are indulging in carnal delights and committing the sin of -- gasp! -- enjoying oneself.

- Add to that Fr. Reyes comments, which I take to mean that having a healthy heterosexual sex life, with your husband, sans contraception, is also wrong, because it does not jive with the image of a "Devout Catholic". It's wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

So a Devout Catholic is one who abstains from sex altogether? That's why I'm pissed off with the church. "holy men" like Fr. Reyes are the reason why people like Anton LaVey have emerged. If there is some point I'm missing and I'm misinterpreting the man's statements, please, please, Please enlighten me, because I am seriously considering changing religion.

I feel like engaging in a little counter-activist Protest Sex just to voice my disgust at the whole thing. It will be a sacrifice of time and energy on my part, but I'm willing to do it. Over and over and over again if need be, from multiple positions. There comes a time in every person's life where one has to lay down for his beliefs.

Nelz, wanna make a political statement tonight?

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Current Music | Fade Away by Sugar Free

Complete Again

I wasn't planning on staying long at Freedom Bar tonight. It was because I had promised Mike D. (a.k.a. Mr. Donna Macalino) that I would watch his band Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man. Along with his band was Fish Trio (headed by Mica A. a.k.a. Mr. Annette Ortiz).

- First up was a new band called Avatar. Their vocalist had potential, but they were green and it showed. Let's see what they sound like 6 months from now.

- Musings was punk-rock. Mike has a surprisingly great voice for rock (perhaps not so surprising as he is a Deejay. Problem was his later songs had him singing at a pitch higher than what he was used to, and it showed.

- Fish Trio was next, a Jazz outfit which featured Francis Brew on Guitar. I really, really tried to like their music, but the lack of a vocalist didn't give me anything to latch on to. Plus that I'm not really an appreciator of Jazz yet. Maybe when I get older, I dunno. At this point I was dozing off and ready to politely excuse myself by midnight.

- Then the itchyworms! came on and everything changed. The smooth chemistry between the four of them that can only be obtained by years of playing together was a familiar sound, as was their brand of beatlesque pop rock. They had a short set comprised of old and new songs, plus their cover of the classic Ikaw Lamang. During their set I had an interesting conversation with Jazz's lovely wife Nix (Nelz: you may be very pleased with what I have to tell you. When we meet na lang later. *grin*)

- Sugar Free. What can I say? Ebe Dancel is a genius. His voice emanates melancholy and melody, sweet and anguished all at once. He can rock and show sensitivity in his music, and he has an everyman charisma that allows people from all walks of life to relate to him and what he's singing. It's only a matter of time before he breaks through big-time, and anyone reading this would do well to catch a Sugar Free gig and see for yourself what I'm raving about.

I can trace back my shutting down from watching shows to my car getting robbed of its' side mirrors and headlights. Replacing them set me back a bit and it reminded me of how tight my financial situation is. Because of that I moved in the opposite direction, cutting spending to an absolute minimum; and the first thing to go was bands.

I realize now that wasn't the best solution. Watching the itchyworms! and Sugar Free tonight reminded me of how much they do for me; aside from entertaining me, they inspire me to work on my own music, as a sort of friendly competition. Not so much as to surpass them or anything of that sort (yeah right, as if that could actually happen) but more to keep up with them. Much in the same way in Fine Arts, being surrounded by so many talented people you couldn't help but improve.

Plus, these people are my friends. Talking with everyone made me realize how much I missed them all so much: Jugs, Jazz, Chino, Nix, Donna, Vin, Annette, Micah, Kelvin, and everyone else I hadn't seen while cocooning at home. I swapped juicy gossip with Donna, learned about Jugs new girlfriend CD (congratulations!), Talked to Nix about her moving to the states and back, Discussed our upcoming recording session with Jazz, and arranged to get a taped copy of the I-Witness documentary I missed from Annette. I also got a tentative agreement from Mike to let Where's Joe? play at the next Freedom Bar gig, and I laughed my ass off at Ebe's hilarious impression of Jugs on guitar (complete with hunched shoulders and tilted feet).

Right now I feel a level of peace and well-being within myself that I haven't felt in weeks. I'm excited to pick up my guitar and start playing again. For the longest time I had been suffering from a sort of emptiness and a lack of motivation in my life.

I think I just found out what it is I was missing.

Monday, October 07, 2002

Current Music | Sky Fits Heaven by Madonna from roadtrip CD

When we are happy we both get fat

Yeah, I've been gaining weight. Besides the well-documented calorrific weekends nelz and I have been having, because I've been alternately depressed or in a good mood from being with Nelz (it's your fault! it's your fault! ;p ) I've been eating rice for dinner as well, something I used to refrain from until the weekends. I've also become more and more of a couch potato lately with all the fricking good shows coming out on Studio 23 and the new seasons of Survivor and Amazing Race (see previous post for details).

Add to that my not going to the gym on any regular basis for the past month: First the gym relocating to a new building and shutting down for a week, to my Tita Beng coming for a visit, to general not-feeling-like-it-ness have resulted in my belly slowly starting to hang over my belt line again, along with a sensation of bloatedness.

I've been having food cravings lately. First, breakfast cereal. I've been skipping breakfast for a while now, but lately my mouth has been watering for the familiar crunch of crispy cornflakes drenched in cold milk and sweetened with white sugar. So yesterday in the grocery I bought an economy-sized 1-lb box if Post Toasties. I just had an overflowing bowl of the stuff today with plenty of milk and 2 scoops of sugar. I feel good now, but methinks I overdid it. Oog.

Another craving I've had again are my do-it-yourself sandwiches that start with thick slices of bread, filled with with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, cheese, slices of meat (salami, ham, bologna, etc) or tuna fish, topped with mustard and ground pepper. That came about from the gym instructor yesterday talking to a female aerobicizer about eating at Subway just last week. Next thing I know all I can think of are those big juicy, overloaded sandwiches packed with flavor, texture and crunch.

The sandwiches are more than just about eating though. Since they entail actually a fair amount of effort, it's almost thereaputic: Building the sandwich from scratch, carefully selecting and balancing the toppings and making it Just Right. Not unlike the Japanese calligapher grinding and mixing his own ink, it's very relaxing and clears the mind. Food Zen.

Now, good thing that these sandwiches are actually healthy thanks to all the veggies, but I fear what would have happened had he been talking about KFC of Pizza Hut. I seem to be especially susceptible to 'food suggestions' lately. My poor waistline. Argh.

What shall I crave for next?....

Current Music | Tracy Chapman's new single

The struggle continues

GMA 7's I-Witness had a great documentary last night about the current state of pinoy rock. They interviewed bands from all points of the spectrum, from up-and-comers Marty Mcfly to current top of the heap Slapshock, to bands-in-between itchyworms!, among others.

Cedric the entertainer texted me last night asking me to tape it at 10:50 pm, about 10 minutes before it was supposed to start. I was feeling sleepy and wanted to turn in early, but I was also curious about watching it. So I set my VCR to record from 11 to 12, just in case it ran for an hour.

Problem was that GMA, professionals that they are, let their news program like 20 minutes over their scheduled time, so the documentary ended up starting around 11:20. It was cute/frigging frustrating to see a tv spot for the documentary saying it would start at 11 pm and it was alread 11:15. So I ended up with what turned out to be a very compelling documentary getting cut halfway through. Argh.

Some thoughts:

- Neil Yu (Marty Mcfly frontman and superstar comic book artist) is fricking loaded: A nice condo of his own, a huge-ass wide screen flat tv, tons of DVDs, toys, books and swank recording equipment. Being paid in dollars sooooo rules. sigh.

- Lee Nadela (Slapshock bassist) is really, really well-spoken and articulate. Some people have chosen to hate them for reasons unclear to me besides nothing more than being the current biggest band in rock. My personal point of view is that it's good that there's a band out there that's generating this type of fervor for rock pa rin, even though it's not music I'm that interested in. And these guys have really worked their asses off for it, they totally deserve it. Unlike some other dairy-themed bands that I won't mention, I don't hear any stories about violence being instigated by Slapshock (unless it's an encounter with said dairy band. Moving on.).

The itchyworms! got a nice section of their own; they were shot in Splash Island and the crew followed them to a gig in Bulacan (I think), which was the kickoff to their provincial tour, the first one that they would be headlining. They talked about how they paying dues, and despite the fact that they were signed, they received very little support from their label (in an environment where quite frankly, you need a lot of support if you want to break through to radio stations other than NU 107). They might as well have been indie na lang.

Despite being signed and releasing an album last year, the concert itself was poorly attended. That was heartbreaking and ego-crushing in itself, but having a GMA camera crew to document said concert must have amplified the feeling even further. Eternal optimist and all around nice guy Jugs Jugeta ('worms frontman and guitarist) , said that the crowd wasn't too small, the venue was too big. Bless his soul.

It's a little discouraging right now for rock. The audience itself is currently limited to a certain demographic, and said demorgaphic is interested primarily in nu metal acts. That leaves very little else for the wide range of other talented artists plying their trade such as the itchyworms!, Cynthia Alexander, Twisted Halo & Fatal Posporos. (betcha thought I was gonna slip in a Where's Joe? in there didn't you?) Mainstream radio is no help, because of the open secret of payola required to even get your song played on the radio.

Can't get airplay in radio, can't get people to watch (unless you scream), can't even get paid in all but the best of circumstances, so why even bother?

As Kelvin yu ('worms bassist) pointed out, it's not about the money. It's about the joy of music, the rush of performing and making a connection with the audience, whether it be for 4 people or 4,000. Slapshock said their first ever gig was marred with screwups and attended by only 4 people. (flashback to error-laden Freedom Bar gig)

You don't play to get paid. You don't play to get famous. You don't even play to get noticed. You play because you want to. Because it makes you happy. There's something about performing; the release it provides that pragmatic people will never, ever understand. How musicians endure sleepless nights, no money, audiences that range from indifferent to downright hostile, often for nothing more than a scattering of polite applause. You either get it or you don't.

It's in our soul.

Current Music | The rain outside my window

The following should not be taken seriously

Looking back at Nelz' lovers and you'll see a list of some pretty darn hot guys. The people he's been with includes bodybuilders, bears, hunks, and even stage performers of moderate renown. And if his ex-lover is to be believed, even a famous 'straight' actor was said to have found him attractive.

Nelz calls it his Djoza (goddess) powers. Whatever it is, his appeal to Hot men has been a source of insecurity for not a few of his ex-lovers. Not everyone can date a supermodel, but not always in the way people think. It takes a certain personality type secure enough in themselves to handle being with someone like that and not fall into: a) Extreme possesiveness b) Paranoia or c) Insecurity. Nelz is a magnet for handsome, buff, intelligent, witty, sexy, virile, good-looking men.

I mean, just look at me.......

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Current Music | Deafening Silence


It's the beginning of a new week, just off a relatively enjoyable weekend. I should be ready to attack the day, yet here I sit, butt cemented top the chair in front of the computer. It's like I was in bed, continuously hitting the snooze alarm, unable to get up, which I was just a half hour ago.

I haven't done any of my old activites of late. I haven't gone out to Big Sky Mind to hang with my friends, or watched a band, or played in my own. I haven't written any new music in the longest time, desptie the fact that I have like two albums worth of songs in the form of hooks floating in my head. I haven't done any progress in that comic book concept I have in my head. I haven't been enthusiastic about the part-time work I'm doing at Hotstix. I haven't even made any new ice cream lately.

Even worse, I don't particularly seem to care either way.

It's not like I don't have the time, I just haven't have the motivation to be enthusiastic about doing anything. And I don't know why.

I have no right to feel this way. I'm in love with a great guy who loves me, I'm stable and secure. I'm in reasonably good shape and my skin is in an agreeable phase. My health is fine and even my relationship with my mother has reaches a sort of peaceful detente, if not particularly warm.

The only thing occupying my time now is television. Opiate of the masses. Reality series Survivor and Amazing Race. The new season of Buffy. The premiere of Six Feet Under. New series Smallville & Justice League. Escapism in a little box, dozens of channels running 24 hours a day, there's always at least one thing worth watching, until the next interesting thing comes on.

I'm not particularly excited about watching them (well, except for Buffy) but I'm gonna watch anyway. Because I don't have to do much of anything besides sit in front of the tv and open my eyes. I know how self-destructive and non-productive behavior like that is. That's why I had television strictly off-limits to my room. Problem is I've been spending more and more time in the den now.

I feel like I'm in a crossroads in my life; letting go of old things in preparation for new things, or simply letting things slip away and I'm supposed to reach out and fight for them, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. All I do in my free time is sleep. So I don't have to think about how I'm not doing anything.

I want to disappear for a while. From everything.

Friday, October 04, 2002

Current Music | Silence


FBs. Friends. Flings. Lovers. Experiences that has shaped your own view on relationships, and the choice therein. If a relationship ends, it's not the end of the world, and it's a far, far healthier attitude to have in the long run.

There are many, many people out there; of which I have met far less than you. Your experience endows you with the knowledge that if we aren't to be, there is someone out there, and you will survive.

I have never met anyone that I have loved you, and quite frankly, even if I do go out and live the same life you did, I can say that it's a possiblity that I still might not meet someone to the chemistry that we do. Or that I may meet someone with even more chemistry. It's possbile that my one true soulmate is out there, my perfect match. All I have to do is find him/her. But I don't want to.

Is it because I'm not jaded? Or that we are simply different people with our own priorities?

I'm with you now. That is a choice. My choice. Everytime you make a decision you close the door on other possibilities, sometimes permanently. Choosing has consequences. There are always consequences. An opportunity for growth is also an opportunity for loss. In any choice.

If something comes along that is too enticing to resist, will you take it? Even at the ultimate cost of what we have? It will be difficult for you, of course. Anguish. Mourning. But you have done it before and I have no doubt in my mind you have it in you to do it again if you need to. I can't say the same. Maybe I'm just a weaker person. Hindi ako ang umiiwan, ako ang iniiwanan.

I do not doubt that I am loved. But am I ultimately just another lover that can be eventually replaced?

My greatest insecurity is that I am.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Current feeling | Emptiness and longing

Song for You

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand.
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

I love you.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Current Ambient Sound | TV Patrol playing downstairs

Proximity Friends

Have you ever been buddies with someone because they were the only ones in the immediate vicinity? Friends of convenience, a relationship based on a georagphical instead of emotional closeness? I have. A cousin who is practically the same age as me. We live next door to each other and grew up together. Having a relative that was your age was a good thing, because you got to have someone to hang out with and talk to during boring family gatherings.

As kids we played together a lot. Too much, in retrospect. When I was a little kid, I didn’t have too many friends. I was insecure, spoiled, and not very good company. So I became that annoying kid who always came over, whether or not he was invited. I spent a lot of time over at his house, and it got to the point that when I rang on their doorbell, his older bothers call out “Your favorite cousin is here!”. Back then, I only had the faintest grasp on the concept of sarcasm.

During adolescent years I retreated more into myself as I ballooned in weight and my family life came crashing all around me. My cousin on the other hand became a social butterfly. He would have parties in his house and invite me. He meant well, but it was an agonizing experience as there was nobody I knew, and I lacked the confidence to meet new people. I remember spending the duration of one of his parties playing Nintendo because I was too afraid to go out. Just like Charles Grodin’s character in the Steve Martin movie The Lonely Guy.

Yet, he accepted that. We talked about all sorts of things together as we grew up. We even traveled to the States together one summer. We jokingly called each other “best cousins” and even promised each other that we would be the best man at our respective weddings. During birthdays and Christmas I would labor long and hard for his presents, making sure they were personalized and had real meaning behind the gesture.

We grew up and went to different colleges; me to UP, him to DLSU, to became the people that we were to be. Although we still lived next door to each other, we saw each other less and less. And the times that we did, it wasn’t the same anymore. Yet, for many years we were as close as two friends could get.

Which is why it surprised me last week that I had totally forgotten his birthday. Two weeks ago he calls me as I was on my way to the vet to give Ewok a shot. I sheepishly greeted him a happy birthday and apologized for letting it slip my mind, and I promised to take him out the following week. He didn’t really mind, but what struck me was how easily I had forgotten all about it.

So when I set dinner with my cousin, I resolved to make an effort to renew those ties. We had dinner at Hap Chang (on me) followed by Spy Kids 2 at Rockwell (on him). We brought each other up to date with what was going on in our respective lives, career-wise. I told him about Hotstix, and about the band. He told me about his CGI freelancing and managing his father’s nightclub.

He proceeded to tell me about how some of his customers were these Chinese businessmen who “wanted to forget about their wives for a bit”. Okay, I consider myself pretty open minded and try not to be judgmental, but I could help suppressing an inner ‘ick’ all the same. Moving on.

He went on to tell me about how one of his regulars was part of a government acronym that investigated irregularities in other branches of government, including the military. There was a changing of the guard of sorts and he was on his way out. Due to this, and presumably because he didn’t have anything else better to do with it, he gave my cousin an ID card from the organization that, despite his outgoing status, was still valid. He proudly declared that whenever he gets flagged down by a cop for a traffic violation, all he has to do is show his card and they let him off.

Okay, now he was beginning to get on my nerves for real. But this was his night, so I smiled and tried to keep the conversation rolling. Unfortunately, I am absolutely horrible at hiding how I really feel, and he must have sensed my discomfort. “Sorry to burst your bubble” he said, in defense of his actions. I told him I was quite aware of the flawed, flawed state of the government and had no bubble left to burst. However, it’s one thing to bring up corruption in a conversation. To fucking brag about it is another matter entirely.

….learn from Nelz, dedma, dedma, dedma……

So we’re in the car, driving to Rockwell, and the topic shifts to the new Mercury Drug store that opened along Ash Creek. He is of the opinion that what Mercury is doing is unethical, because according to him they are doing promotions specifically designed to put competitor South Star Drug “out of business”. He didn’t like how they were pricing items lower than South Star and that it was hurting them.

As a business school graduate I tried to tell him that that’s how business is done. You provide a better service than your neighbor, they do the same in retaliation, the winners are the consumers. If all vendors operate on some unwritten agreement to keep prices high, it’s called a cartel. That’s how it’s supposed to work in a free market. It’s called competition, look it up.

I tried to see it from his side, and said that if Mercury was operating at a loss, selling at prices that would be impossible to stay in business and were doing so only with help with the parent company with the express intent of waiting out their rival, then that was unethical. My cousin countered by saying he didn’t have access to the books, and that it didn’t really matter, because his point of view was based on so-called firsthand knowledge that he heard the owner of Mercury say that he “didn’t like South Star Drug”. For him, intent was the key here.

Okay, even assuming he was right (which I doubt, unless he can read minds) what does it matter what he wanted? He could want to destroy South Star, drive them out of business, put the owner’s freaking mother in traction, that doesn’t mean its gonna happen. The ultimate decision always lies with the consumers, who will go to the best service, Period. If I have a business to run and I do it so well that the competitor is unable to adapt and shuts down, how is any of that supposed to be my concern?

But he wasn’t done though: Just as I thought he had stretched the limits of my patience, he moved even further. He said (not an exact quote):

“Let me tell you in terms that you understand. Let’s say your band is in negotiations for a record deal. Just as you are about to sign, another band enters the picture and offers the label a better deal in terms of how much money they are willing to take and steals the contract away! That’s unethical!!”

Okay, that entire analogy was insulting on so many levels. First off: “terms that I understand”? He used a musical analogy on bands (because I am in a band, how clever of him, ho ho) so I would finally see it from his intelligent and insightful POV; implying I’m too fucking dumb to see it from any other way. He insults my intelligence. I do understand, its you who refuse to acknowledge my points.

Second this is fucking MUSIC we're talking about. For his analogy to work, you would have to assume that both bands put out the same type of music. He likened artistic output to product, worse still, easily interchangeable product. That insults me as an artist.

Record deals fall through all the time, and if it happens, it’s not because another band provides a “better” deal. Labels sign artists because they believe they are marketable performers and a good investment. They don't sign someone just because they promise to take a 25% discount on royalties. If only it were that easy to get signed.

His arguments are uninformed and based on inaccurate assumptions. He talks breezily on things he knows nothing about and passes it off as fact. It’s not that he’s contradicting me that gets me upset (okay, maybe a little of it is) but it’s that his arguments are just so off-base that I feel offended just by having listened to them. I wish I was as fast on my feet as Nelz is, instead of being someone who chooses his words carefully, and only after much thought. Had Nelz been in my place he would have delivered the perfect zinger: “Anong kurso ang na-graduate mo ba??” (for the record, he took up Liberal Arts. Whatever that is.)

Anyway. We soon agree to disagree since the movie is about to begin. The sequel outdoes the original and I enjoy myself for the rest of the night. I drop him off at his place and he asks me maybe we can do this again. I just smile my Big Plastic Smile™ and say “we’ll see na lang”. Probably on his next birthday.

Every once in a while you wonder how some people you used to be close to drifted apart from you. If you’re lucky, they come along and remind you precisely why you moved away from them to begin with.

Current Music playing in my head | Horny by T Mousse

I'm horny all night long

So Horny all night long
I'm horny all night long
So horny all night long

You've got me horny, in the morning
And you're not even home
I tried to call you but I can't find the telephone
I sent a message through the internet but it rejected
I wrote a letter and I sent it with a oh oh oh

Why must it take so long
So I've got to sing this song
To let you know how I feel, what's the deal baby
And I can't wait for you
For the things you make me do
My heart is ringing so I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

I'm horny, horny, horny tonight
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

Oh my god, I'm horny! Oh my god, I'm horny!
Oh my god, I'm horny! Oh my god, I'm horny!
Oh my god, I'm horny! Oh my god, I'm horny!
Oh my god, I'm horny! Oh my god!

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