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OF STICKS AND STONES AND STEREOTYPES

While busily procrastinating by checking out other people's blogs, it struck me that one of the most widely accepted stereotypes of gay people is that they are bitchy, bitchy people; armed with a sharp tongue and acid wit that can spew out the most scathing and hurtful of remarks.

From those Local TV Talent Show judges, to self-appointed arbiters of taste, to supporting characters on shows like Sex and the City, The "bitch queen" has overtaken the "screaming hairdresser" in terms of exposure. It's part of a laundry list: If you're gay, you can dress well, you're vain, you like theater, and you are the master/mistress of the scathing remark.

Which is what bothers me. The fashion and theater thing aren't so bad; they're even kind of flattering, albeit not that accurate -- I've only recently started to pay attention to what I wear, wheras I've been gay for most of my life, and I have an appreciation, but no real love for theater (sorry, Nikka!) -- but the 'bitchy' tag pisses me off because it basically implies all gay people are nasty, and unapologetically so.

To illustrate my point, I challenge anyone to come up with five gay celebrities who are known for being nice rather than bitchy. Hell, just name ONE, because I've tried, and I couldn't come up with anything. (and *NO*, I am NOT fishing for anyone to say "well what about you?" I am an egotist, but not THAT big an egotist. At least not yet.) The closest I could come up with is Carver Carl, who in my opinion is nice to an absolute fault, and is a certified creative genius, but I think would pale at the idea of being labeled a "gay celebrity", tee hee!

I think I can understand where it comes from, of course; from living in a society that is actively hostile to gays, one cannot help but form a defense to all the abuse that is flung at you. But it's just so fucking nakakapagod to see gay people either on TV, print, or even in just their personal blogs gleefully ripping something or someone to shreds.

If one is being bitchy as a defensive reaction to abuse, then in my view even that is a sign of weakness rather than strength. Does not TRUE strength come from being able to take the slings and arrows hurled at you and not have it change you into a hardened, embittered, ultimately lesser version of yourself? Am I really THAT much of a throwback within my own kind? Whatever happened to being NICE?

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, as I've said the occasional hurtful thing far too often than I'd like to admit. But it's precisely that point -- that I know the kind of pain of words uttered in a moment of anger can inflict -- that I feel this strongly on this particular issue.

The point I guess I'm trying to make is, that for me, being good at saying hurtful, nasty things isn't something to brag about. It's just as fucking tired a cliche as the parlorista archetype that even OTHER gay people sneer at (which pisses me off for a whole different reason altogether).

Honestly, the gay guys who do this -- and more specifially, are PROUD of it -- should really get over themselves. It's not THAT difficult to be hurtful. Take it from someone who knows.

WORK IN PROGRESS

Ayoko muna pag-isipan
ating kapalaran sa kinabukasan
huwag mo ako iyong iwanan
ating pagsaluhan

ang kasalukuyan.

- Silent Sanctuary, "Kasalukuyan"

JUST SOME PICS

From yesterday's Oktoberfest gig:












We were in the "front act production" which played in the afternoon, so there were understandably few people watching as compared to later that night. We even appeared on GMA 7 for a blink-and-you'll-miss-it spot promoting Oktoberfest.

I've played for bigger crowds but this was one of the most satisfying gigs I've played so far; the band was running on all cylinders and we kicked all sorts of ass with the songs; no mistakes and everyone clicked. I think I've just learned one of the little secrets that all musicians know: that a well-played gig for a handful of people beats a mediocre one for a huge crowd hands-down.

Cool.

MILESTONE

Today for the first time, I had to turn down a date with a cute guy (and a practically-sure chance of some hot nookie) because of SilentSanct-related activities. My Having-a-Life has has officially surpassed my Wanting-a-Love-Life.

I think this is what they call a "bittersweet triumph".

You've got to find a way, say what you want to say, BREAKOUT!...

After a few weeks of relatively clear skin, my face is having a bumper crop of zits: One on my right cheek, 2 on my chin, and a nice balanced assortment of 'winding down' and 'just starting to pop out' on the left side of my face.

This is not unusual. I have already accepted that this is my bane to have adolescent skin even as I have left my teen years a long, long time ago (I figure it's just God's way of balancing out my being beautiful, sweet-natured, talented, AND youthful-looking in one adorable package, bwahahah! WEG WEG WEG!). What IS unusual is that this kind of breakout usually happens when I have a major event to attend where I HAVE to look my absolute best, which is when my stupid complexion gleefully strikes.

I mean, the MTV Lokal taping happened weeks ago, and any chance to humiliate me on national TV has long since passed (I'm pretty sure I accomplished that task all on my own, thank you very much, hee hee). I have a couple of gigs on the horizon, but nothing so major that it's imperative that I look good. So I have to wonder: WHY is my face breaking out on me now?

Hnh. This probably means I'm going to meet someone cute.

RECOMMENDED READING

"I can relate to both cultures, but sometimes I feel like I'm not belonging to either. But I'm O.K. with that. In fact, I wouldn't trade it for anything: it's given me such a unique perspective. It's like I have a sense of double vision, the ability to see things from many perspectives at the same time, in a way that's strange and beautiful. It lets you open little doors and look into a little world. It's a vantage point."

- Ry Young, a straight daughter of 2 lesbian parents on what her upbringing has given her

From a very insightful article on this sunday's New York Times Magazine, about children who are raised by gay and lesbian parents. It's a well-balanced, thoughtful read that doesn't particularly lean in either political direction. What she says about her being the child of gay parents is how I've always felt about being gay; but never with such eloquence.

Click the link and check it out.

Dance

as though no one is watching you

Love

as though you have never been hurt before

Sing

as though no one can hear you

Live

as though heaven is on earth.

- Souza

ETO NA!

Silent Sanctuary's MTV LOKAL episode premieres on tuesday october 26, 2004 at 7pm

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

If you can't catch it then, there will be 2 replays on Oct. 31 (sunday) at 10am, and Nov. 1 (monday) at 3pm.

I concede that I'm a little bit nervous because we did only one take per song (the band before us had 3) which can mean either one of two things. Anyhoo, I have no idea how we will come off on television, so you will find out the same time I will.

I'm just praying that I don't look TOO fat onscreen.

EPIPHANY

Silent Sanctuary had our regular weekly practice last night, after which the band stayed around and discussed with Tintin -- who will be our stylist (I don't care what you make us do, just make me look good!!) -- concepts for our photo shoot, which is very important as these photos will be the basis of what we want the band's image to be in the public eye.

Along with that there were some other very, very interesting developments regarding recording. Turns out Sony wants 300 more copies of Ellipsis of the Mind to sell, of which there are no more. We aren't really very keen on the idea of shelling out money to burn more copies of an album which is no longer representative of what we are, either.

I've always told the band from the start that I wanted our first volley as a Sony artist to be one that went all the way; I didn't want just an EP, or to release an EP, and then follow up with an album of which half the songs were ALREADY in the EP. I've always hated when artists did that; it felt like they were rewarding the fence-sitting buyers and punishing their most ardent fans who were eager enough to buy the album as soon as it came out by basically forcing them to buy the same album twice.

Anyway. We're STILL going to come out with a blowout kickass (hopefully) album, but we may just be hitting the studio and releasing a little something sooner than expected. Can't get into too many details, but needless to say it's very exciting. As you can probably surmise, busy, busy night. After dropping off TinTin at her place, I got home a little after midnight, totally exhausted.

After washing up and finally crawling into bed, wired and tired, but oddly content, I let my mind wander as I slowly drifted off to sleep. My singleness has been on my mind lately (blasted Joni Mitchell and her brilliantly hearfelt songs), and just before I let myself go, a question entered my head unbidden, like a voice from The Divine:

If you had to choose, which would you pick: What you have now with Silent Sanctuary, or a boyfriend?

It took me all of one second to reflexively reply: Fuck the boyfriend. I want the burgeoning career I've got now. I am so fucking BLESSED.

And I don't know why exactly, but hearing myself say that felt really, really good.

I HAVE LOST MY DREAMS
Dar Williams

Stopped pretending.
Happy ending.
Everything I ever wanted stands in front of me.

I have lost my dreams.
I have lost my dreams.

Now they say I told the truth.
Life beyond the burden of proof:
Paper thin blue skies and windless fields.

I have lost my dreams.
I have lost my dreams.

Traffic crawling,
Life is moving,
Up through stately trees into their green leaves.

Find a new dream.
Find a new dream.
I have lost my dreams.

I have lost my dreams.

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER...

...Happiness is a choice.

First coined by Candice, most recently used by San. Something I already know, but tend to forget when I'm mired deep in my own self-pity funk. Luckily though, I have kewl friends who I can rely on to remind me of this truth. Thanks, you guys! *HUGS*

RIVER
Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so wide
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so wide
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I made my baby cry.

*********************************************

When I listen to this song, I sometimes wonder if he heard this, would he think about me? But odds are though, he probably wouldn't.

A CASE OF YOU
Joni Mitchell

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Where’s that at?
If you want me I’ll be in the bar

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light
I drew a map of canada
Oh canada
And your face sketched on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I’d still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said

Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed

Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet

I’d still be on my feet.

WHAT HE SAID

"Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave as though He was watching."

- Christopher Reeve

SONG FROM DOWN UNDER

Cribbed from nic's blog. As I am currently trying to squeeze some new songs out of my head, I am feeding myself good stuff from all over (Sugarfree, Dar Williams, Indigo Girls, et al) so that something good will hopefully pop out.

This has some pretty brilliant lyrics; I like how it's it's about being unapologetically naive almost; and offering an alternate explanation about taking care with one's heart after being badly burned; something which I can relate to quite well, sad to say. I wouldn't mind learning more about this rather plainly-named band.

****************************

SPECIAL ONES
george

Isn't it funny how you never really screamed at my face
But your anger's so unspoken and unchanneled
Permeates my essence to the point where I
Don't wanna see you, hear you, be anywhere near you
You probably think I'm threatened by you
But your illusionary power doesn't threaten me

Actually I think it's kinda funny
That you create an illusion that is a mirror
I dont appreciate you
And I know that that suprises you
I suppose you see that those who follow their heart always win
Those with integrity have won the match before it's begun

So rather than being kicked around
I'm gonna kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around
I'm gonna push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you
I'm gonna cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart
I'm gonna lock it with a key
So that only the special ones
Can ever get through to me

Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold
Where as others can see beyond their sculptured mould
You could offer me nothing
You could offer me nothing that I need
Do you think I'm asking too much
A kind of respect and trust that shouldn't ever be questioned
How can I open my heart
With dishonesty sitting next to me
I've honoured your honour to the point of embarassment
But innocence in the hands of the guilt-free is kicked to
Is kicked to the curb
I was ashamed of my innocence
I was ashamed of my innocence
But now with clarity I see that
Your bullshit is just not worthy of me

So rather than being kicked around
I'm gonna kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around
I'm gonna push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you
I'm gonna cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart
I'm gonna lock it with a key
So that only the special ones
Can ever get through to me

I dont wanna be angry
I dont wanna be angry
I dont wanna be angry
I dont wanna be angry, angry, angry
This is not worthy of me
But now with clarity I see
That I can walk away
I can walk away, I can walk away

So rather than being kicked around
I'm gonna kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around
I'm gonna push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you
I'm gonna cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart
I'm gonna lock it with a key
So that only the special ones

So that only the special ones can ever get through to me.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT AND I'M AT HOME

..........And I wouldn't have it any other way. After what has been like a whirlwind 2 weeks of touring around balikbayan relatives, MTV tapings (have a blog on that on the way, promise), making ice cream, filming a TV dating show in my restaurant (more on that too), auditioning for voice-over commercials and gigging, I haven't had a day all to myself until now.

It got to the point when I did not know what day it was because things were so hectic. I did literally did nothing today but eat, watch TV, surf the computer, and most importantly, SLEEP. Just sleeping without the need to wake up for something felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. I finally feel refreshed and great.

The restorative qualities of doing nothing are greatly underappreciated.

JUST A LITTLE TASTE



Me & MTV VeeJay KC Montero

He's not my type (too skinny, way way taller than me) but I will admit, the man is GORGEOUS. Up close, you can see he has beautiful eyes. He falls under the same category as women; I can appreciate his beauty, I just dont want to do him.

More about the MTV experience when I get all the pics up.

SILENT SANCTUARY WILL BE TAPING AN EPISODE OF MTV LOKAL THIS WEDNESDAY

It will be an interview with either Veejay KC or Sarah, after which we will get to perform one song, which will hopefully make rotation if it's good enough. This is where being signed with Sony, even just for distribution, pays off majorly.

For some people this may or may not be that big a deal (to be honest, I have never seen an episode of MTV Lokal, or even know what time it airs) but it is a FRICKING huge deal for me, and for the rest of the band. It means a totally new level of exposure that we have never reached before, it means getting to perform one of our new songs for potentially thousands of people all over the country, and, and......

....For goodness sake, It means being on MT-fucking-V, people! How much more cool does it need to get?? I can cross off one of my Life's Dreams right here with this one.

Personally, I'm still holding my breath on it since I have learned through past experience that things get promised and pulled away all the time in showbiz; that's the nature of the beast. But since our manager has already publicly blogged about it, I guess I'm not spoiling the party by doing the same. If it goes sour, she jinxed it because she talked about it first. ;)

I'm going to be on MTV. It still sounds unreal saying it out loud.

AWWWW YEAH, BABY! NO ONE MESSES WITH DARK HELMET!

From Cinecon.com:

Is "Spaceballs 2" in the works?

Playbill Magazine spoke with producer Mel Brooks, who surprisingly and out of nowhere revealed that he is writing "Spaceballs 2," the sequel to his wild "Star Wars" parody from 1987.

"I'm writing myself back into the 'Spaceballs' sequel that I'm now writing, so you haven't seen the last of my face," he revealed. "Why another Spaceballs? It wouldn't feel right have anyone else play Yoghurt and the first one was the best experience I've had making a movie since 'Blazing Saddles.'

And when does he plan on releasing the picture? "Best case scenario: A week before the new Star Wars opens. Worst Case Scenario: A year after the new Star Wars opens."

*********************************************

Spaceballs is only, like the BEST Movie ever made in the history of films, period. Well, I think so anyway. I'm not sure how many of the original cast can or should come back (John Candy who played Barf the Mawg is dead, Many of the other lead actors like Bill Pullman and Daphne Zuniga have faded into obscurity) but as long as Dark Helmet and his lackey Colonel Sandurz are there, I will be satisfied.

The idea that I may be seeing Rick Moranis in a Penis-Helmet squeeze the testicles of some poor schmuck soldier once again (trust me, it's not as gay as it sounds) makes me absolutely giddy. Woooohoooooo!!

May the Schwartz be with you.