Wednesday, March 31, 2004
"But what you may know is what I may have heard, and in defense to some ugly comments, I was not the first."
Well.
You know, I actually IMAGINED this scenario in my head, and pictured my reaction; what I would say to it, if it ever actually happened. And here it is:
During my time with him, I FELT him drifting away from me. Long before he finally cut me loose. It hurt, no longer feeling the intimacy and warmth that was there before. And I would be lying if I didn't suspect that he had been straying; that the passion that was no longer there when he was with me was being directed to another.
However. Sometime early in our relationship when I started feeling the distance, I asked him about it, I asked him flat out if it was because he somehow missed being with other people. Those words, spoken in anger and confusion and utter stupidity, hurt him deeply.
We eventually fixed things (or so I thought) and after that I promised myself that I would never EVER bring it up again to him, and I would ALWAYS trust him to be as faithful to me as I was to him, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Even in the loneliest parts of the relationship, when I felt more alone when I was with him than when I was single, I stayed true to that promise fiercely.
And now? I'm disappointed, of course. To see that what my instincts were telling me were right all along.
Disappointed, but not surprised.
That's what I imagined myself feeling and saying if this scenario would come to pass. Here's ANOTHER thing that I've always pictured myself saying, which quite frankly I hoped I would never HAVE to. But since you were the one who came here, I have no choice. This is for you, good sir Kervs:
If by some chance you see me in person somewhere, say at a gathering, do us both a favor and not introduce yourself to me. Turn away, and whatever direction I am in, start walking the opposite. Stay anonymous and unknown to me.
You have no idea how much I have wanted to hurt you. NO. IDEA. It's not rational, and most DEFINITELY not fucking right, but there it is.
Stay away from me, and stay away from this blog.
And now, I have to go get a blood test.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
YES, LET'S DO HEAR IT FOR GUYS LIKE YOU
GUYS LIKE ME
Aimee Mann
Guys like me
We don't know how it feels
Absentee even closing the deal
But every player there's a payoff in the final reel
But never with guys like me
Cause guys like me
We look good at the gate
But you'll agree with the odds on the slate
and put your money on a bonafide heavyweight
and take it off guys like me
take it off guys like me
We pull you close but never really
looking warm but feeling chilly
you'll describe us as impassioned
when it's just a front we've fashioned
Cause guys like me
We all vow to become
clear and free of the fife and the drum
and block the circulation til we're all completely numb
let's hear it for guys like me
let's hear it for guys like me
let's hear it for guys, guys like me.
Monday, March 29, 2004
FLASHBACK
I checked out some of my really early entries just for the hell of it, and came across this old post from July of 2002 which shows me at a stage in my life that I would like to be in again someday: Having survived a painful emotional trauma stronger and wiser; secure and centered in myself with plenty of hope for the future.
********************
COMING OUT
A while back in October, I met this guy. He was outgoing, confident, a little wierd, and utterly unlike anything I had come to expect from a gay person. Up until this point, I had resigned myself to the notion that most gay people in this country were limp-wristed hairdresser-types who I would never be attracted to (which shows how in touch I was with the gay populace at the time). So when I found out that this guy was gay, a part of me was switched on: Hey, here's someone I could actually like!. he wasn't the best-looking guy in the room, but at that time, it didn't matter to me.
He was the first person I ever came out to, and in the process, came out to myself. That was the most important part; finally acknowledging my sexuality as such and not some option or secret feeling that I could lock away. Talking with him felt wonderful, and for the next five months, I found myself falling in love with him.
Alas, things were not to be. After first agreeing to try things out, he called it off before things even got off the ground. I was devastated. I tried being friends with him, in the hopes of showing him how much I cared for him and how good we could be together.
Then he told me he was going after a girl.
All the hopes that I had been clinging to for the past five months -- that he would be with me if I was just strong enough, if I was just patient enough, if I loved him enough -- were ripped away in an instant. It was like a priest being given incontrovertible proof that God didn't exist.
For a while after that, I don't know how long, it was like I was walking in a fog. I barely ate, I couldn't concentrate at work. My friends became my well-worn shoulder for me to cry on and pour my heart out to, over and over again. I kept wondering, asking myself what I could have done differently? Was it me? What if I had done this instead of that? I thought I had finally met someone that would have been worth coming out for; to face the stigma and prejudice associated with being gay, and I was left with nothing. The voices inside were threatening to drive me mad.
The one night, I was watching Will and Grace, where the titular characters were asked to read vows for their friends' gay wedding. Most of it I glossed over, but the final passages called out to me, as if it was meant to be heard by me at that particular time:
I'm complete within myself
everything I really need I already have
And whatever I don't have will come to me when I am ready to receive.
At that moment, I got it. The words I needed to tell myself. That as hard as everything was, I had everything that I really needed. And whatever I didn't have -- in this case, love -- would come to me, when I was ready. When I was a complete person.
Charmaine told me pretty much the same thing, as I sat there with her and Adam in Fullhouse at Katipunan, over Chicken Crepes and buttered rice, as I cried for the first time in front of them. No sobbing, just tears falling unbidden from my eyes as I tried to verbalize how much pain I was feeling. She told me to remember that above all else, walang nawala sa akin. Because I had finally learned how to Love.
Love for real. Unconditionally. Blindly. Without asking for anything in return, and without judging by appearances. She was right. Up until that point, I had courted, I had crushes, but nothing this intense, nothing that had driven me to do the things that I had done (or almost did) for this person.
You know that old scene in movies and television, where the young lover asks the experienced older friend how you know when it's really love, and the friend says: "You just know." I always thought that was just a silly cliche, but you know what? It's totally true. There's no way for you to really know, until you know.
Knowing that I was capable of love made the pain a little lighter. After the hurt subsided, as all hurts eventually do, I went back to the task of living my life: I threw myself into my work and my hobbies. I joined the choir, and wrote three songs about the entire experience in its various stages. I worked towards the goal of making me Complete Unto Myself. I did good, not in the hopes of garnering 'karma' points towards earning a boyfriend, but for myself. Whether or not I'd meet someone, I had to be comfortable with myself. Being alone, at least for a while, was a very real possibility, and I had to be okay with that.
There was a bit of Serendipity at work that night when I saw that show, and I never really forgot that episode and what it did for me. So I was pleased when I saw the same episode being re-aired, I rushed to tape it and transcribe the vows in its' entirety:
When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me
And I have no love to give
When I'm feeling separated from the world
And cut off from myself
When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing
Because i'm not getting what I want,
I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me
And I'll see it in you.
I'll remember that I'm complete within myself
So I'll never have to look to you to complete me
And most of all:
I'll remember that everything I really need I already have
And whatever I don't have will come to me when I am ready to receive.
I BET YOU THOUGHT THAT POST WAS ABOUT YOU
One of the things about time and distance is that you start to forget about how agonizing past ordeals were to you when they first occurred. As I understand it, the same process allows women to voluntarily undergo the immense pain of childbirth over and over again, despite the physical trauma.
You start to slowly think fondly again about people that hurt you and wonder whether they've changed. That maybe they've grown; become better people in the time you've spent apart. Then you start to wonder about what might have been, had the both of you been in that place of growth the first time you met, instead of after you parted. And then you can't help but feel a little tinge of regret.
And then you get wind of them through the grapevine, and you find out NOTHING has changed. On the contrary, they end up confirming every negative thought you had about them; everything you wanted to believe but were too fricking NICE to, insisting instead on giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Still as arrogant and as self-absorbed as ever. I see you've even reclaimed your catchphrase "I don't care." You haven't changed at all, and you most CERTAINLY haven't grown.
And you never WILL, will you?
Hell, even your own BEST FRIEND told me as much. But hey, no complaints here. Witnessing your charming behavior again FUELS me in my goal to have you mean nothing to me. Emotional marshmallow doofus that I am, I know I still have a ways to go. But you just made it that. Much. Easier.
And for THAT I am grateful.
RECOMMENDED READING
One may say, “Hey, it’s my blog. If you can’t handle it, don’t read it.” But another may say, “If you felt that way, why didn’t you just tell me directly like a mature human being, instead of letting the whole world read about it first?”
From the blog of Carl, who has written a thought-provoking piece on blogging behavior (look for the March 25 entry, titled "Blog Truths").
Anyone who keeps a blog, or enjoys reading them might want to take a look.
WHAT HE SAID
Kevin Smith in a Newsweek interview, on Ben Affleck's character in his latest film Jersey Girl not having sex for seven years:
"I've been married five years. Considering my body shape, I had the good fortune to have enough sex with different women before I got married. Once I got married, I realized I never wanted to fuck anyone else for the rest of my life. Even if my wife died. It's not just physical, though that's fantastic. Psychologically, I am tied to her.
When you're really committed to somebody, forget it, man. It's impossible to think about fucking somebody else."
Sunday, March 28, 2004
HOW LONG 'TIL MY SOUL GETS IT RIGHT?
"I know this is hard for you.... but this is a precious experience. Your first real heartbreak. You shouldn't....... deny yourself this, as much as I know you want to. And you shouldn't rush it. It's precious."
Friday, March 26, 2004
WEIRD LINK OF THE DAY #2
Badgerbadgerbadger.com
There are some things that are simply beyond any attempts at comprehension and understanding. You will either love this page or go "WHUH?" I am part of the former.
Either way, expect the music to give you a serious case of Last Song Syndrome, whether you like it or not. Muhuhahahahaha.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR FLAVOR
I've been cutting and pasting so many of these quizzes from other blogs, I figured I'd make one of my own. Feel free to copy and pass. :)
The last thing you ate: See "snack of my own invention".
Last great meal you had (where and when): Last Monday, dinner at home. Breaded Pork chops, Mashed potatoes with mushroom Gravy, corn and carrots, with applesauce, washed down with fresh lemonade
Favorite meal of the day: Breakfast.
Pork, Chicken or beef: Pork. Bacon, Ham, Spam, Pork chops, pork BBQ, Sisig, sausage. can't live without my pork.
Favorite Fish: Catfish, served southern fried.
Favorite Carbohydrate: Rice. Yang Chow, Garlic, Java, Salted fish, or just plain white, I LOVE rice!!!
Favorite dessert: Ooh, tough one. Something rich, gooey and dark chocolatey. I have too much of a sweet tooth to focus on just one or two.
Favorite ice cream flavor: Tie, between banana ice cream with walnuts and chocolate chunks (based originally on Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, until I started making my own) and Dark Chocolate ice cream made with Shaker's Chocolate Mudslide instead of milk. It melts quickly because of the alcohol, so there's a sense of urgency to eating it, and it tastes like ganache.
Cake or Pie: Pie. Apple, Blueberry, or cherry Served hot, topped with vanilla ice cream. I also love Banana Cream pie.
Favorite Candy Bar: Three Musketeers
Favorite Cookie: Chewy Chips ahoy, closely followed by Nutter Butter
Favorite fruit: Tie, between lacatan bananas that are JUST at that point of overripeness, because that's when they have the best flavor, and ripe sweet Philippine mangoes.
Favorite International Cuisine: Japanese. Mixture of aesthetics and taste appeals to me. Plus I am a sushi whore.
Favorite fast food place: KFC. 2 pieces of Chicken, one original and one Hot & Crispy, the thigh and rib pieces. Served with a large coleslaw and 2 rice.
Favorite Restaurant:Tie, between Saisaki's Japanese Buffet and Chili's with their huge burgers and sandwiches.
Current food trip: Tofu. Can't get enough of the stuff.
Favorite TV snack: Pringles potato chips, Sour Cream & Onion or Cheez-ums. If I feel like sweet instead of salty, I also like to eat various cereals out of the box (Koko Crunch, Capn' Crunch, Kellogg's Frosties).
Favorite drink (alcoholic and non-alcoholic): Non alcoholic: tie between diet root beer and simple ice water. Alcoholic: almost never drink, but I do love me a good amaretto or Bailey's which also makes great ice cream, btw.
Last food extravagance you allowed yourself: a pint of Ben & Jerry's Fudge Central core concoction ice cream. At P285 a pint, I consider that an indulgence for a tightwad like yours truly.
Food that you absolutely CANNOT tolerate: Ginger. Hate it in all forms. I will reflexively spit it out if I can taste it in my mouth.
Food that you would LOVE to eat but can't: Pretty much all the sugary stuff I mentioned in this quiz, diabetes runs in my family so I have to constantly watch my sugar intake.
Weird food you used to eat as a kid: Shredded fried chicken, shredded fried catfish, Maggi noodles with soup, ALL mixed together and topped over rice. I used to eat this hideous concoction a lot when I was young, which probably explained why I weighed 190 lbs at 14.
Weird food combination you eat now: Tuna fish with mayo, slices of bologna fried in garlic and ketchup, topped with garlic rice. Yum Yum Yum Yum.......
If you had 10,000 dollars to spend on food and no physical complications (allergies, cholesterol problems, etc) what would you eat? Maine Lobster boiled in seawater & served with melted butter, Kobe beef steak, Salmon and sea urchin sashimi, and truffles, just to see what the fuss is all about.
You get home at 10 pm, and everyone's asleep. You're tired but hungry, and have to make dinner for yourself. What do you make? Pile white rice into a shallow bowl. Sprinkle liberally with Maggi Chili Garlic Savor. Open up a can of century tuna flakes in oil. drain excess oil, but leave a little bit in for flavor. Dump tuna and remaining oil onto rice. microwave for 30 seconds. Open up a can of ice cold diet coke. enjoy.
Snack of your own invention: Eating Cookie Crisp cereal out of the box, alternating each mouthful with swigs of milk from a glass. Much more fun than eating it with a bowl and spoon, and you can do it in front of the TV or PC. Can serve as breakfast.
How do you like your steak? Medium Rare. Cooked with plenty of garlic, Served with mashed potatoes and sauteed garlic butter mushrooms and onions. With a bottle of A1 Thick & Bold steak sauce on the side.
Gastronomic guilty pleasure: Gonuts Donuts, Amazing Glaze and Peanut Butter Frosted. Deep fried AND rolled in sugar. How can you go wrong?
Foods no longer around that you miss: Tie, between Coney Island's New York, New York ice cream and Ocean's Best tuna. I just had a discussion with my friends the other day about New York, New York, and I have decided to try and recapture that flavor. And as for Ocean's best, the taste of the oil in it is NOT how they make tuna anymore. As someone who used to eat it every day in my college days, I can tell, believe me. I STILL have one last can in the pantry which must be more than 3 years old by now. and I'm reluctant to open it because once I do, there will be no more Ocean's Best tuna ANYWHERE in the world anymore...
Do you cook? Yes.
If yes, what's the dish you are most proud of? I can make an excellent Turkey Dinner with all the trimmings: Country rice stuffing (made with 3 kinds of mushrooms), cranberry sauce, garlic mashed potatoes and gravy. This dinner, served only during Christmas, has attained legendary status among my friends, I'm proud to say. I also consider myself an accomplished sorbetero.
Make your own ice cream sundae: one scoop of dark chocolate ice cream, one scoop of Banana ice cream, one scoop of butter pecan, topped with sliced bananas, REAL hot fudge, lots of whipped cream, walnuts, and a cherry on top.
If you could only eat FIVE foods for the rest of your life, what would they be? Scrambled eggs, Original Recipe KFC, Fried Catfish, **BACON**, Dark Chocolate ice cream, Garlic Rice.
Is this quiz making you hungry? Just had breakfast, so not really.
What's the food you plan to eat after this quiz? Leftover Hot Prawn salad from last night's dinner at Gloria Maris for lunch.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
WORK IN PROGRESS
THE PATH
Where's Joe
Follow your heart
Follow the stars
Follow the path that you set
But don't ever forget
Who you are
You're gonna go far
If you lose your way
Just go back to the start
And follow your heart.
Monday, March 22, 2004
MORE FUN WITH EMODE
Got this from their Online Inkblot test:
Ian, your subconscious mind is driven most by Sexuality.
The world is a sexy place for you — your erotic self leads the way. Whether this is because you're presently in a great physical relationship or simply want one, you are much more aware of the sexual undertones in situations than most people.
This heightened focus, coupled with your vivid imagination, can make you more likely to have original — at times risqué — interpretations of things that other people might see as innocuous.
People who have unconscious minds driven by sexuality are typically imaginative and full of life. They can also keep their days interesting and upbeat with their powerful imaginations.
Your subconscious is telling you that you are very much alive, and have a great deal of passion to bring to life.
So basically, it's telling me I'm a big ol' Horndog.
And this is news to me again HOW exactly?...............
RECOMMENDED READING: WORDS OF SWEET, TOOTHY WISDOM
The glass counter was brimming with heart and rose-hued displays. The countertop was specifically host to jars and foil-wrapped box stands of cookie hearts inscribed with words like "Love" and "Honey" and other aphorisms for desire. Wrapped in plastic and dressed up in ribbons and sprinkles and tulle, the candy-hued treats were erected like vanguards of the valentine season.
Seeing those stands reminded me of how excited I was when I recieved my first cookie-heart from a friend back in 3rd grade. For a while it was all about who got the biggest heart, who had the most or who had the most colorful. Back then it didn't matter whether the cookie came from an actual boy. When I sunk my teeth into my heart-on-a-stick, it was the most horrible experience a sweet-tooth could have - the glaze coating was this cloying sweetness that lacked flavor, depth or character and the cookie itself was tasteless cardboard.
Since then I've stayed away from sugary showstoppers. Nothing beats the plain but filling, flavorful, melt-in-your-mouth goodness of cookies made for all-the-time eating. You can say the same about a lot of loves - men for example. A man good for you nearly all the time (when he's there, like a good cookie is there till you and your friends gobble it all up) is a treasure. That's why love really is the business of forever, and that has no season.
This great piece is from the blog of Charmaine, an amazingly insightful writer, singer, lyricist, and one of my dearest friends. Do give it a look.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
PLEASE DONT TEASE THE HOMOPHOBES
A text conversation last saturday night:
JOEY BABY: Ey dude, I trust you've seen 50 First Dates a million times? Just finished it myself, and I know you enjoyed every minute SEAN ASTIN was there.
ME: Of course! Sean Astin shirtless, Sean Astin flat on his back with his ass in the air being held by his ankles....
JOEY BABY: Ok. I just regretted texting you. Hahahahaha!
ME: ...the man was BEGGING for a rimjob, and I'm just the guy to give it to him!
JOEY BABY: 'Rimjob?' That's a new term. I WILL NOT ask what it means.
ME: Oh, that's okay! A rimjob is when you give oral sex to your partner's anus. It goes without saying that it has to be clean down there, and I can tell you from experience that getting AND giving one can be quite pleasurable!
JOEY BABY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!
ME: I love you too, handsome. ;)
I REALLY should stop doing that to the poor guy. What is it about homophobic friends that brings out the absolute evil in me?
Heh......
UNTOUCHABLE FACE
Ani Difranco
think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do
tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say
except fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying
is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
LIVE THROUGH THIS
"I know this is hard for you.... but this is a precious experience. Your first real heartbreak. You shouldn't....... deny yourself this, as much as I know you want to. And you shouldn't rush it. It's precious."
Saturday, March 20, 2004
MOVIE REVIEW
The reasons to see 50 First Dates can be summed up as follows:
1) Sean Astin shirtless. (the man is a BEAR!!!)
2) Sean Astin alternately flexing his pectorals.
3) Sean Astin flexing his butt cheeks.
4) Sean Astin flat on his back....
5) .......being held by his ankles...
6) .......with his ass in the air. (it was like the directors made that shot just for ME!!)
Because of the above, the rest of the film could have been 2 straight hours of Adam Sandler screaming at the camera and it STILL would have been worth watching.
I eagerly await the DVD of it so I can........ enjoy it in the privacy of my own home.
Friday, March 19, 2004
WHY FRIENDSTER IS BETTER THAN TICKLE
Tried to upload this picture onto my Tickle.com profile (which for some reason, in the Philippines has become the gay friendster). I got an email from them, explaining to me that it was being rejected for display, because, to wit:
Thank you for adding your photo to your Tickle profile!
Unfortunately, we cannot add your photo to your profile at this time because the photo you chose is of a cartoon character, celebrity, or otherwise copyrighted image.
But....... but....... but......
But... it's MY photo! Of ME! I'm in it! It's a picture of ME! It looks like my OTHER photos that I've already uploaded, doesn't it?
"The photo you chose is of a cartoon character, celebrity, or otherwise copyrighted image"?............ okay, I'm going to assume that they meant the SECOND one, and I'm going to choose to take it as a complement. They can't put my photo on their site because they think I cribbed the pic from some rock magazine, owing to the fact that the photo and the guy in it look TOO good to have possibly been taken by a regular person (yes, D! that's a complement to you as well!).
Yeah, that's it! I look TOO much like a rock star for my own good!
So there.
And I will hunt down the first person who snarks that I look like a cartoon character and pinch him or her one hundred times.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
ONE MIC STAND
Last Wednesday, Diwa and I made our way to Bacci Cafe in Katipunan Avenue for the biweekly open mic jam/poetry reading. The last I went, it was just this great mix of performers ranging from reggae, comedy rock, folk, to jazz, and I was anxious to be a part of it again.
As we drove into the parking lot, we looked at the second floor window from the outside of the building where the cafe was located, and noticed it to be strangely quiet, despite it already being nearly 8:30 pm, an hour and a half after it was supposed to have started.
As we entered Bacci, we were immediately greeted by Christy, the owner/manager, who told us that the Open Mic was cancelled tonight due to most of the regular performers having to work on their final exams. (this was one of the few times where I felt the difference of my age with other musicians) She was very apologetic, and was offering glasses of red and white wine for free to everyone that was there.
Never one to turn down free alcohol, D and I went inside. I saw my friend Mia sitting at one of the tables. I'm a big fan of her music and getting to hear her tonight was one of the primary reasons I wanted to go. Yagi, the organizer of the event apologized to me about the low turnout, but I assured him that it was all right, as a performer one has to get used to playing at sparse crowds.
Later on, there were around ten people or so total milling around the bar, so Yagi asked Mia and I if we would be interested in still playing, since we went all the way here. Since I had practiced a set list for the event, I figured why not, so we both agreed.
Mia onstage
Mia went first. She is simply an AMAZING singer and songwriter with the voice of an angel who can do folk, R&B and hip-hop with ease. She started off with a cover of Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl that I sung backing vocals for, then she did Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill (which sounds really different when played just on an acoustic guitar). After that, she did her own stuff, starting off with a song titled Please, a sweet & poignant song that really deserves to be recorded.
For her final song, she brought up onstage one of her friends to play guitar while she sang. The name of the song was Mr. Man, another original composition of hers. It was a mix of Hip-hop and folk, starting off with her singing, then the guitarist rapping during the bridge, then she started to rap. It was interesting because rappers' voices are monotone and have a limited range. It was a treat to hear a beautiful voice laying down a flow and doing it so well.
Mia rapping
After she finished her set, a dreadlocked poet named Garon got up onstage to read a truly bent haiku that he wrote on the spot. It went like this:
Lover in my Arm
He held me passionately,
Now I'm not virgin
The entire audience burst out laughing at the final line, as it came out of nowhere and his delivery was so serious. Finally I went onstage, and after following Mia, I was JUST a little nervous.
I started with Breathe by Green Wheel, followed by In Your Care by Tasmin Archer. I'm not really one to do covers as a rule; 'Breathe' is actually about the writer missing his girlfriend while he was out on the road touring, and 'In Your Care' is about child abuse. But the choruses of both songs encompassed what I've been feeling on and off for the past 3 months. After the two covers, my final song was one of mine, Peace in Me the lyrics of which I tweaked to make it more up to date with my life.
For some reason, I was really, really nervous that night, and kept my eyes closed through the entire set. I was so tense I even forgot the second stanza of 'In Your Care', simply mumbling it through. Diwa said she could tell my nervousness from where she was sitting, and that I seemed to have sped up my playing as a result. It was a bit frustrating, that after some 5 years of on-and-off performing, I was STILL getting stage fright, but I guess that's why I went to the open mic in the first place; so I could hone my live performance chops again.
Spotlight in shades of gray
After I performed, Garon had a female friend read aloud another haiku:
A sleeping rabbit
Held it tightly in my hands
Now I'm not virgin
Hee.
By then it was already around ten pm, so Diwa suggested we go to Timezone in Makati for an air hockey rematch, since the last time we battled, we had evenly split one game apiece. By the time we parked and entered Glorietta almost everything was closed. We weren't sure if the arcade would still be open, but thankfully as when we got to the Glorietta Cinemaplex we saw that it was. Even better, almost all of the machines were unoccupied so we had the entire place to ourselves.
We got our cards and went to the air hockey table to begin our epic smackdown. I won the first game handily, despite giving myself a handicap by holding my celphone in my left hand and texting while I played. I was gracious in my victory, humbly raising both arms and going "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" See? Gracious winner. It was only in the second game that things started to go wrong. The shirt I was wearing; a long-sleeved polo with a Chinese collar with the sleeves rolled up, was beginning to unroll on my right arm which held the Thing-that-you-use-to-hit-the-puck with.
It was beginning to get caught underneath aforementioned Thing, and EVERY time I rolled up my sleeve -- always in mid-game, mind you, no time outs for this master! -- after a few swings it would roll down again. It was very distracting and threw me out of my rhythm, and as a result D won 3 straight games, gloating quite ungraciously I might add. I tried to tell her that my defeat was simply due to a Wardrobe Malfunction and not because of any actual skill on her part, but she was too busy gloating in her tainted victory.
Tsk tsk... I tell you, some people just don't know how to be gracious winners.
Getting into my stance
We were about to go for coffee at the nearby Starbucks when I noticed the newest machine they had. You know those first person perspective shooting games, where you have a plastic pistol fires at enemies rushing towards you? Well, this game, called MAKAR, was a virtual SWORD FIGHTING GAME, where you held a plastic Katana in a special frame that captures the motions you make with the katana and mimics them in-game. You could block, parry, and counter the oncoming attacks by the foes rushing towards you.
Doing my Tatewaki Kuno impression
As my Kenjutsu thing didn't pan out (too expensive at P2,000 a month) and since Kill Bill is one of my all time favorite movies, I NEEDED to try this out. I swiped my card (at P25 a play, yipes!) grabbed my sword and hit 'start'. Since it was my first time, I chose the training option before I began the actual game, where I proceeded to miss EVERY SINGLE motion I was supposed to copy.
All shall fall at my mighty sword!!
As the game started I first tried to do it the suggested way, which was block, parry and strike. But after a while, I discovered I could get by almost just was well by merely flailing my sword wildly in the general direction of my adversaries. With this unique sword fighting style, I actually made it to level 3 with just one continue. It was LOADS of fun and I was really getting into it, screaming like a madman while whirling my sword as if I were having an epileptic seizure.
Although it was effective, I can see why the "normal" way to fight would be useful, as by the end of the first round I was already exhausted by my berzerker mode of play. But getting to live out my samurai fantasies was definitely the highlight of the night, and I plan on going back to play that machine again.
After I show Diwa who the TRUE king of air hockey really is.
Thanks to Diwa for the photos, making me look even better looking than I already am. ;p
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
ENOUGH OF ME
Melissa Etheridge
We were all wounded in some domestic war
I found you to settle my score
You looked like father
You felt like mother
My mind told my heart
There is no other
And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
I gave you my skin
And my original sin
I gave you my pride and my side
oh my pride
Ain't that enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I loved you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you
I was so sure one and one gave you one
My noisy love is coming undone
Now you leave like father
Disappointed like mother
And I know in my heart
There is no other
Why can't you hold on?
And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
And I gave you my shame
And my eternal flame
And I gave you my need and my seed Oh my need
Ain't that enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I loved you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you?
FOOD, FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD (PART 1)
Last weekend was just a fabulous celebration of eating. On Saturday night my family opted to try the new Japanese restaurant Tempura Japanese Grill, which going by its' motif and design aesthetic, looks to challenge Teriyaki Boy's current status as king of the 'Japanese fast-casual' hill.
We took one of the special tables, which has a gas-powered grill right in the center of it. The grill is used to took yakiniku which is basically a Japanese-style barbecue (as opposed to teppanyaki hot-plate tables where they can cook everything from fried rice to steak in front of you). Since that was apparently one of their specialties we decided to take an order of beef to grill.
As the entire Carandang brood are big fans of Teriyaki Boy (we already have a ‘set menu’ of sorts that we order whenever we go there) we were looking to see if this new upstart had any chops. So far previous pretenders have fallen short. Jumbo Japs along Jupiter Avenue was not BAD per se, but was unfortunately guilty of the cardinal sin of just being.. okay. And in the fiercely competitive restaurant scene, “okay” is practically the same as “horribly inedible”.
Since it was our first (and, if we didn’t end up being impressed, last) time to eat here, we went nuts and ordered whatever we saw on the menu that interested us. Because that was what they named themselves to begin with, we ordered the tempura, both ebi (shrimp) and kaki age (vegetable) for all of us.
Being a hardcore tofu addict, I ordered their teppanyaki tofu (stir-fried bean curd with mushrooms and chicken), Ebi Dako Maki (golden mushrooms and shrimp wrapped in bacon and topped with teriyaki sauce), and the aforementioned beef Yakiniku. Alas, they had no okonomiyaki (Japanese cabbage pancake), my big fetish (and homage to Ranma ½).
My mom ordered fried rice for herself and my siblings; of which they had a selection to choose from, ranging from meat, shrimp or a combination of both. I myself chose to go with plain white rice, as I like to savor the flavor of the food that I eat and the fried rice just distracts from that. To go with their rice, they also ordered one dish each of beef and seafood teppanyaki (my sister’s favorite at Teriyaki Boy). For starters, my brother Marco also ordered 2 plates of California maki.
So how did it all pan out? When we got the slender slices of raw beef, the waiter crouched under our table and fired up the grill, which was this circular grid in the center of the table. It actually took up a lot of the real estate, so if you do choose to order yakiniku it should be the centerpiece of your meal rather than just another dish.
It was tricky trying to handle the beef, which was very delicate and had a tendency to break apart in either the metal tongs or your chopsticks. A gentle hand is required to properly cook yakiniku. It was a challenge to lay it flat on the grill to ensure even cooking, but when we finally got done it was tasty and delicious (of course, it being angus beef, how could you go wrong?). At P295 for about a dozen paper-thin slices of US Angus rib, it was NOT cheap.
It was fun to do, in the ‘eating-as-an-experience’ category (which I concede is not for everyone) but you run the risk of burning your precious beef to a cinder if you’re not careful. If you’re a steak addict who likes a little interactivity with your meal, I recommend it. Otherwise, stick to the regular items.
The tofu teppanyaki was good, albeit a bit on the salty side. But definitely preferable over Teriyaki Boy’s version which uses Japanese tofu, which is a lot less stable and breaks apart more easily in your chopsticks.
Their Ebi Enoke maki was excellent. Where Teriyaki Boy’s consists of golden mushrooms wrapped in bacon, Tempura Grill goes one step further and puts in an entire shrimp with the mushroom. Not only does it make more appealing visually, but it tasted delicious. It was also more affordable at 3 pieces (cut into 2 for 6) at P130, while Teriyaki boy’s is about P260 for 6. I definitely plan on making that part of my regular order when I eat there.
While I just ate white rice, my mother and siblings all assured me that their freid rice was quite good; better than Teriyaki Boy. And let me tell you, this is coming from a family that LOVES fried rice. We’ve eaten so much of it from so many different restaurants we’re practically connoisseurs of the stuff. when they say that the fried rice is good, I listen. I may just try a bowl next time.
What I was most interested in trying of course, was their tempura. It was what they named themselves after, after all. I don’t usually eat tempura -- I like it just fine, it’s just that after the sushi and the maki and the beef and the okonomiyaki, I usually don’t have any room left -- but I wanted to see if they could put their money where their my mouth was, so to speak. The final dish to arrive; 11 golden, deep fried tempura prawns were served on our table, and we all eagerly took our chopsticks and each grabbed a piece.
I dipped my full-sized prawn into the clear dipping sauce and sunk my teeth into it. The coating was crisp; light with nary a trace of oil. The flavor of the prawn came through and the breading provided an excellent contrast. Just perfection. Even better, their Kaki age was crisp, flavorful & superior in every way to Teriyaki Boy’s version, which is bland and chewy. I could eat JUST this, and I’d be satisfied.
Alas, while their tempura was glorious, their sushi was not. Each piece of California Maki was topped with a huge dollop of mayo which made it taste far too rich and overwhelmed the dish. Looking more closely at the maki, I saw that it was primarily rice, with very little filling, which added to its’ weak flavor. Sushi is definitely an area where they should stand to improve in if they want to compete, as I know people who judge the level of a Japanese eatery’s food solely on the quality of their California maki.
Their teppanyakis were similarly disappointing. Their beef teppanyaki, while edible, was not that tender, just skirting on the edge of toughness. Their seafood teppanyaki however, was the biggest letdown. While Teriyaki Boy’s seafood teppanyaki is rich with buttery flavor, Tempura Grill's version offered no such benefit, and was a whole lot less interesting because of it.
I realize I’m doing a LOT of comparison to Teriyaki Boy mainly, and not taking in other restaurants like Saisaki & Sugi into account. But judging from their décor, motif, and price range (roughly the same as T-Boy) it’s quite clear which segment of the Japanese-dining market they are going for, and I figured I might as well give them a side-by-side comparison with the eatery they are trying to dislodge.
VERDICT: Draw. There are some dishes in Tempura Grill that are superior to Teriyaki Boy, and vice versa. Which place you choose to eat really depends on what dishes you’re in the mood for. If you are a fan of good tempura, fried rice and bacon makis, and like to cook your own food, you should most definitely give Tempura Grill a try. However, if you like good teriyaki, teppanyakis and sushi, you’d be happier sticking with Teriyaki Boy.
NEXT: the family drives to Breakfast at Antonio’s in Tagaytay for a glorious Sunday brunch, and Marco takes full advantage of the magic words “mom pays for everything”.
Tempura Grill has 2 branches, one in One Kennedy Place in Greenhills (Just outside the Greenhills Shopping Center, opposite Kamay Kainan) and along Tomas Morato, opposite Teriyaki Boy. The Tomas Morato branch is larger with more seating.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
RECOMMENDED READING
For anyone who's ever bitched about the lack of opportunities in this country, Bunny wrote a thought-provoking piece on the subject. The Title of the post is "Scenes from an FX and some lessons learned from it" on the March 12, 2004 entry. Please do give it a look.
Monday, March 15, 2004
OPEN INVITATION
This coming wednesday I'll be attending the ONE MIC STAND open mic at Bacci Cafe.
Bacci Cafe is located along Katipunan Avenue, in the building fronted by Yellow Cab Pizza. It's located on the second floor (and may or may not be labeled by it's old sign The Economium). I plan to perform 3 songs (the limit per artist): Melissa Etheridge's Breathe, In Your Care by Tasmin Archer, and Peace in Me (ver. 2) by yours truly. Show starts at 7 pm.
If you go there, please do say hi. :)
Sunday, March 14, 2004
DON'T YOU WRITE IT DOWN REMEMBER THIS IN YOUR HEART
"I know this is hard for you.... but this is a precious experience. Your first real heartbreak. You shouldn't....... deny yourself this, as much as I know you want to. And you shouldn't rush it. It's precious."
I'm going to start every new week with this quote, until the day comes when I can truly say that I've healed. I think it's THAT brilliant.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
PAG-IBIG
Barbie's Cradle
Simple lang ginagawang komplikado
Di masakyan ng simpleng tao
Wala na bang natitirang inosente
Lahat lahat tinamaan na ng kuryente
Friday, March 12, 2004
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
I'm seriously considering changing my name.
My stage name that is. To be more precise, I'm considering getting one. I've been thinking about it for a long time, actually. Don't worry, I'm not going all showbiz and taking on a ridiculously pa-cool moniker like "Raymond Keanu"or anything like that. My real first name is actually Jose Feliciano (the latter part where the "Ian" actually comes from) and I'm planning to co-opt the second part of that and go with "Ian Feliciano". It's STILL my real name, just an abridged-and-doubled-over version of it.
Don't get me wrong. i'm not ashamed of my name, or of the Carandangs, although I would have a LOT of motivation to shed my father's name if I chose to look at it from that perspective. I simply don't like the way it sounds to me when I say it out loud.
"Ian Carandang" just doesn't sound.... good as a stage name. For several reasons. First off, the rhythm of the name is just wrong. It's pronounced "EYE-an-cah-ran-DANG". Approaching it strictly from a rhythmic perspective, there's one beat too many in the sequence keeping it from flowing smoothly. And the consonant-closed emphasis on the final syllable just stops it COLD.
Having a name that is easy to remember & wrap your tongue around is absolutely crucial when it comes to recognition and recall. Given a choice, which name would you rather go by, Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath or Live's Edward Kowalczyk? (does anyone even know how to PRONOUNCE "Kowalczyk"??)
As a wrestling fan, I've noticed that one of the essential yet overlooked elements in a wrestler "getting over" (becoming embraced by fans) is that they have to have a name that can be easily chanted by an entusiastic crowd. Hulk Hogan has "Ho-GAN!", Steve Austin has "Aus-TIN!" and The Rock has "Ro-CKY!", and so forth. I can't think of a single famous wrestler who DIDN'T have a name that just begged to be chanted repeatedly.
Now, while "Ian Feliciano" isn't exactly chant material (but then again I'm not training to be a wrestler), what it DOES have has the right amount of beats. EYE-an-fe-li-CIA-no has a good vocal sequence: melodic, complex and open. Just like what I would like my musical persona to be.
And finally, the word "Carandang" itself doesn't bring forth the right imagery in my own mind. Imagine likening a word to an inkblot: What does the sound of it say to you: how it resonates to your ear, the rhythm of it, how it rolls off your tongue, how do you FEEL about the word?
Imago's Aia de Leon has a BEAUTIFUL name. "Aia", aside from being an unusual name to begin with, just strikes me as.... ethereal. Angelic. Something beautiful desscending from the heavens. And "de Leon" obviously calls to mind images of leonine power and strength. If you've ever seen her in person (lovely, lovely girl)and heard her amazingly powerful voice, you'd think she made up her name, because it fits her PERFECTLY.
The word "Carandang", for all the people of accomplishment in this country who bear that name, doesn't sit well with me viscerally. There are many Carandangs in the Philippines, as I have often been asked if I am related to Dr. Carandang, a noted Child psychologist. I always have to say that I am not, as all of the relatives on my father's side have emigrated to the US.
If it was the first time I had ever come across the word, what do I think a "Carandang" might be? It's not a melodic word. The sound of it doesn't really say "music" in my mind. it strikes me as a serious word; a medical term, or perhaps something corprorate.
As a name, "Carandang" sounds like an appellation a doctor, or a good businessman would go by. It's a serious name, with little room for silliness. Complicated, but straight to the point. There's no playfulness in the sound, no music to the word. It's practically German in its' harshness.
"Feliciano", on the other hand is more, for lack of a better term, malasakit. Gentle. While Carandang has a hard R and an abrupt consonant-based NG stop, Feliciano if rich in soft consonants like L, soft C, and N; plus it's also open-ended by finishing with a vowel. To me, it simply sounds more..... melodic. It sounds like a name a musician would have.
And does, actually. Jose Feliciano (who I may or may not be named after, mom has never mentioned it and my dad is deceased) is a talented musician who is widely respected across the globe. I remember travelling to Australia a few years ago, and when I was in customs, the guy behind the desk saw my name on my passport and asked me if I actually had any relation to him. I sheepishly admitted I didn't..... but at that moment I found myself wishing that I did.
You know what? I think I enjoy being asked about Jose Feliciano more than I do about Dr. Carandang. It feels more comfortable, if that makes any sense.
Just for kicks, I tried one of those name generators where your results depend on what name you put in. I inputed both my given and stage name just to see what I'd get. The first one below is me as "Ian Carandang":
All things considered, a fairly accurate reading. Except for my supposed weakness, which if anything is TOO much imagination on my part (leave me alone to brood for too long and I'll come up with the most elaborate of scenarios on why I should be depressed).
Here's what came up thought when I put in "Ian Feliciano":
Name #2 is oddly enough, ALSO accurate, to the point of eeriness. The stuff that came out was more like the parts about myself that I don't like to ADMIT exist, even to myself. (yeah, I know that this is just a silly little generator, but it's still freaky).
How I react in groups for one thing. Although I was a former wallflower, and I am more at home with solitude than most, I don't think I can call myself truly anti-social anymore. I can function just fine in crowds, but I am ultimately an observer and feel more at home looking rather than interacting.
With regards to the survival situation, I don't like to admit it, but the thing about me is that if if and when I finally do decide to fight, I fight ALL THE WAY: kicking biting and screaming, rules of law and society be damned. I actually consider it one of the ugliest sides of my personality, to tell you the truth. Which is why I try to suppress it as much as possible by always being the mediator and trying to see it from the other's point of view.
Unfortunately, doing that and basically refusing to put myself first and foremost has led some to write me off as a "people pleaser" who "isn't his own person." This has actually resulted in people underestimating me and being perhaps indirectly responsible for one of the biggest losses in my life. But better than the alternative, I keep telling myself.
And my weakness? DEFINITELY on target. The 2 results were BOTH me: equally valid, but the second one revealed a side of me that I'm NOT that comfortable with. Like I said; for a silly little generator, eerily accurate.
Names have power. Some people even believe that the name one is given determines that person's demeanor and ultimate destiny. While I myself wouldn't go THAT far, I do believe that the name you choose to go by in life DOES have an impact; giving the people who encounter you -- whether in person or by reputation -- a visceral yet indelible impression about the type of person you might be. This fact is ESPECIALLY true in show business.
People change their names all the time, for all sorts of different reasons. Some are symbolic and profound, some are just for the hell of it. Cassius Clay was a great boxer, but when he embraced Islam and became Muhammad Ali he entered the realm of immortality. Whether one is responsible for the other is of course up to debate, but still, you can't help but wonder.
Hell, one of my biggest idols, Pearl Jam vocalist Eddie Vedder was born Edward Louis Severson, but reliquished the surname of his father (who abandoned him and his mother) and took on his mother's name instead as a way of honoring her. Oddly enough, "Edward Louis Severson" is a good name in itself; for a WRITER. But Eddie Vedder? Pure Rock Star all the way, baby.
All this talk about names made me remember the Neil Gaiman story "Death: The Time of Your life" (one of my favorite Gaiman tales) where the protagonist, a folk-singer-turned-superstar who called herself Foxglove, was relating the story of how she came to choose her new name. The story-within-a-story led one of the other characters to ponder aloud the zen-like question "What was your name before you were named?"
So, next time I play (which will be this coming wednesday at Bacci Cafe, anyone who wants to see me, punta kayo! please! :) ) I'm going to start using it. When I sign my name on the performers sheet, I'm going to write down "Ian Feliciano".
And if anyone asks me, What's my name before I was named? Ian Carandang.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
MORE NAVEL-GAZING
Test results from emode:
The Identity Test
The test you've just taken is a short version of the Five Factor model of identity. Among psychology experts, this approach has become broadly accepted for its accuracy and consistency. The five dimensions in this model give a complete description of your personality traits: Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Negative Emotionality. Read below to see your scores and understand what they mean.
Openness To Experience (high)
Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions.
Conscientiousness (medium)
Your medium score in the Conscientiousness category means that you have achieved a solid balance in your outlook towards responsibility. You are probably somewhat organized, with a little room for improvement. Your priorities probably reflect a mix of work and play. Thoughtfulness characterizes your thinking style, so you give gravity to important decisions without making a big deal out of minor issues. You are probably serious about achieving success, but do not feel completely driven by this motivation. All in all, you've got a very healthy perspective on work and duty.
Extraversion (above average)
Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer.
Agreeableness (above average)
The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your high score indicates your tendency to forego your own desires for the sake of others - sometimes to a fault. You are probably known as a kind and modest person who is willing to overlook your own needs for the interest of the group. You believe in creating harmony among people, to the point where you can sometimes act a bit dependent. With your straightforward style of communication and your sentimental nature, this isn't hard for you. You tend to see the world by the light you cast - as honest and genuine.
Negative Emotionality (above average)
Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your medium score means that you're someone who negotiates your emotions depending on your situation. Sometimes you may feel quite sensitive and emotional, while other times you may remain resilient to outside pressures. This quality of adaptation best describes your emotional character. You maintain a rational outlook, which is moderated by feelings. For example, you can sometimes feel sad, stressed, worried or embarrassed under the weight of a situation, but you are able to act quite calm and reserved, without yielding to the stress. Responsive, without being overly reactive, is the best way to describe you.
Hmmmmmm............ I know I've been a little heavy on the cut-and-paste thing and a little light on the personal writing thing as of late, but to be honest I'M a little sick of listening to my own voice at the moment.
Rest assured I've got a couple of postings percolating in my head, which have nothing at all to do with broken hearts. (thank GOD!)
WEBSITE OF THE DAY
GodHatesshrimp.com
Once again, from the fabulous Dan Savage. A hilarious bit to throw at the people who use the bible to justify their gay bashing.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF
PEACE IN ME (ver.2)
Where's Joe
Maybe it's all right
I'll be fine you'll see
I've done my share of getting drunk
Leaned-on shoulders and of crying all my tears
Guess that this is how
When you know the score
That you've loved someone to the point of no return
'Cause Lord I've never hurt as much as this before
And I will not be bitter
That he turned me down
He wasn't obligated
To return the love I offered back to me
Moving on will feel so sweet
As soon as I let him go and find my peace in me
I'll find my peace in me
Yes I will admit
That I have been burned
But what I have lost is far
Outweighed by all the things that I have learned
Just another part in my
Journey to complete
From the person that I am right now
To the person that I know I'm going to be
And I will not be jaded
I've looked into myself and I have found
It's not that complicated
It's simply that we weren't meant to be
The one at fault was neither him nor me
And accepting that will finally set me free
Will finally set me free
And I want you all to know
I'm filled with love, love that transcends
Still as deep, but has changed
From intimates into friends
Used to wonder how I'd find
Out it was real or true at all
Now I know what it's like
Because I've already, already fallen
And I can say
That I will not be bitter
That he turned me down
And I will not be jaded
I've looked into myself and I have found
It's not that complicated
It's simply that we weren't meant to be
He was never obligated
To return the love I offered back to me
Moving on will feel so sweet
Accepting that will finally set me free
As soon as I let him and find my peace in me
It will feel so sweet
I know eventually
I'll find my peace in me.
HMMM... MAYBE THIS IS WHY MY BLOOD SUGAR IS LOW
STUDY BACKS COFFEE AS DIABETES PROTECTION
CHICAGO, Illinois (Reuters) -- A study done in Finland, the heaviest coffee-drinking country, provides more evidence that the world's most widely consumed beverage may ward off adult onset diabetes, researchers said on Tuesday. Women there who drank three to four cups of coffee daily had a 29 percent reduced risk for the disease. Among men, the same amount lowered the risk by 27 percent.
The apparent protective effect, the mechanism of which remains a mystery, increased with consumption. Women who downed 10 or more cups a day had nearly an 80 percent lowered risk, while men who drank the same cut their risk by 55 percent.
more here
As a coffee drinker anyway, I'm of course happy by this bit of theory, but TEN CUPS A DAY???
Sheesh. Fine, they won't get diabetes, but then they drop dead from heart attacks instead.
YEAH, THIS HITS THE BULLSEYE
Ian, your ideal sexual partner is a Type 6.
A Type 6 partner is just naturally into sex and, more specifically, this person is interested in having sex with you exclusively. That means they're as dedicated to fulfilling their sex drive as they are to using sex as an expression of love. And as such, they are also good at exploring the emotional and physical outlets of pleasure. They can put the orgasm on hold in order to get creative with just as much expertise and interest as they have in being affectionate and loving.
Monday, March 08, 2004
WHY PINOYS RULE
How cool is it that not just one, but TWO filipinas (immigrants by way of Hawaii) have made the final 12 of American Idol? Camille Velasco, who has a wonderful tone to her voice (a delicious smoky undertone) and Jasmine Trias (whose performance hasn't been aired in Star World yet, but from what I can tell has a voice akin to the power of Christina Aguilera's).
I may not be politically correct to say this, but I totally believe that countries and their cultures end up producing people that are gifted in certain areas (Chinese and Jewish are more business-minded, Americans are idealistic, etc). Hell, all you need to do is see Germany's Idol winner to see that no, every country is NOT created equal when it comes to giftedness in the arts.
This is one area where the Philippines actually comes out AHEAD. Filipinos have ALWAYS been known as being gifted in the arts, music and singing in particular. Our entire culture is one that embraces singing, romanticism and the sheer joy of expressing oneself, whether or not the talent is there; and more often than not, it is.
It's a little sad of course that we have to get this validation of our skill from a foreign source (for folks unlike myself who didn't ALREADY know this to be true) but hopefully this will raise our national pride a bit, no matter how far Camille and Jasmine go.
Screw basketball, our country should be concentating its' efforts towards cultivating world class SINGERS.
IN YOUR CARE
Tasmin Archer
The light is fading from my room
As night time comes around too soon
I'm so afraid.
Swollen eyes portray my pain
As tears fall like the summer rain
I'm so alone
Son of a bitch you broke my heart
I need a little loving
To take away the pain
How could you let me down
When I'm in your care.
I pull the covers to myself
Drink and smoke upon his breath
I close my eyes.
Again i pray to God above
What have i done to lose his love?
Am i to blame?
Son of a bitch you broke my heart
I need a little loving
To take away the pain
How could you let me down
When I'm in your care?
Sunday, March 07, 2004
DOWNWARD SPIRAL
In what proves to be a great start for the week, I saw something this morning that I didn't expect to, And I literally froze in my tracks. It felt like I was slapped in the face.
More so than ever it still sadly shows to me that no matter how much I want to be all right, I'm not.
Still not.
God, why can't I just be fine already?
Saturday, March 06, 2004
STRIKE THREE
...........and you're OUT.
How funny was it that all this time my girlfriends were saying that I was carrying on like we were already dating for six weeks (after only having seen each other once). So I take their advice to heart, give you another chance, and I discover that you're even WORSE than me?
Away from me.
I TALK TO PEOPLE JUST SO I CAN HEAR GREAT WORDS JUST LIKE THIS
"I know this is hard for you.... but this is a precious experience. Your first real heartbreak. You shouldn't....... deny yourself this, as much as I know you want to. And you shouldn't rush it. It's precious."
- Charmaine, last night over coffee
I literally never thought of it that way. And it doesn't make it hurt less (nor is it supposed to, obviously).
It's a beautiful way of seeing it, really. Not just for myself, but for this type of experience in general. It's the type of line that should be said between characters in a book or a play. It's something that should be written down somewhere.
So there you go.
BE A MAN
Hole
The only boy I understand
The one ashamed to be a man
Just rape the world
Because you can
That's what it takes
To be a man
Well, knock her up
Just slap her hand
Prove it to me just be a man
I think I can
I think I can
I'm big enough to be a man
Tell you the truth
I'm jealous yeah
Give anything to be a man
Be a man
So impotent
Be a man
Ohh...
Take off your dress
Your master plan
Give anything
Just be a man
Oh cut it off
Of course you can
Got what it takes
To be a man
Oh rape us all
Just 'cause you can
Well give it up
Just be a man
The fucking wars
The carnage yeah
Give anything
To be a man
Cut it off
I know you can
'Cause no one cares if you're a man
Be a man
So impotent
Be a man
Ohhh...
Can't get it up?
I understand
Under the gun to be a man
I think I can
I think I can
I'm big enough to be a man
Oh fuck the world because you can
I'm everything
Oh be a man
Oh fuck the world because you can
Give anything
Be a man
I'm potent yeah
Be a man
I'm potent yeah
Be a man
I'm potent yeah
I'm potent yeah
Friday, March 05, 2004
I'M MORE OF A ROCK GUY ANYWAY
This show is my new reality TV addiction.
......Wait wait wait! Kicked off FIRST?!? No WAY!! I fricking demand a recount!!!
I CHOOSE YOU ABOVE ALL OTHERS
I'm not in the habit of lifting posts from other people's blogs (tests and quizzes yes) but I found this one from Wanda's blog which so beautifully illustrated the nature of love and choices. I've had plenty of time to reflect on how much I gave up for him, apparently all for naught.
Despite the ever-deepening distance he put between us, the sheer contempt that he showed to me, I stubbornly kept loving him to the point of blindess. During these periods of quiet reflection I've often looked back over my actions and wondered if I should feel foolish about having loved him in such a manner.
This post helped illuminate for me the particular way that I love, and that there is no shame in what I did. You can read the full entry on her blog under the Feb. 24th entry, but some excerpts are below:
"Love. It is so in love. For one must choose to love. It is not a matter one dives into haphazardly. Relationships shouldn’t be collected like trophies, not to me anyway. Love is something one thinks about, and ultimately, one chooses.
And what does this choice mean for me? I can’t even begin to explain. But this much I can articulate: it is important. And it’s also hard work. Because contrary to fairytales, happily-ever-afters do not come a dime a dozen. Because to choose just one person among the five billion plus people in this world can never be easy.
And after choosing, there is also the matter of safeguarding that choice. After all, love is not a blinder. The phrase “I only have eyes for you” will wear thin with time. Love will not automatically take out the appeal of the people around you forever. In a way, love means seeing the beauty that there still is around you, and saying your beloved is worth it. It is reaffirming your choice in the midst of so many other options.
Because somewhere down the line, you will find other people attractive. You will find some form of empathy and comfort in someone else. It’s almost inevitable, because this is how we are made. It’s in our physiology. But love means choosing your beloved even in the face of that. Love means that although someone else is beautiful and smart and understanding, you choose to close that door. Simply because that someone else is not the someone you love.
And of course that's hard. But I like to believe that overcoming that hardship is innate to us too. There’s another part to us – the mental, rational, higher part. We don’t eat every cookie in the cookie jar. We don’t become friends with every single person we meet. We don’t take every job offer. We don’t pursue every person who makes us look twice. We have the capacity to choose. And with the choice to take something, sometimes we have to choose to let other things go.
Yes, I believe that ultimately, love is a choice. To choose to be with someone is to choose to not to be with anyone else. It is a choice to accept, but it also comes with sacrifice. And when a choice is made, it is up to us to uphold what we have chosen. To draw our lines, and to draw them so that we see and don’t forget. Because we know -- we have no question -- that choosing him, choosing to love him, is worth it."
I chose you above all else. Despite the fact that you slowly went away from me, I CHOSE to stay the course and keep loving you.
When you turned cold to me and stopped loving me in all the little ways, when I felt more alone when I was with you than when I was single, I STILL loved you, because that's what you DO when you love someone. And I'm not sorry for that. That was not the wrong decision. You were the wrong PERSON to do it for, but I don't regret loving you the way I did.
And God willing, once I heal, I'll love just as hard once again.
I WANT TO BE IN LOVE
Melissa Etheridge
I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more
In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love
I have made some big mistakes
And I've paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more
I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind
In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I won't get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love
Thursday, March 04, 2004
FREE IN YOU
Indigo Girls
A hard knock, a cold clock
Ticking off my time
A long look, but no luck
Couldn't seem to find
Or unwind
into peace of mind
Though I was trying
A quick glance, a big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you and I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this,
first the laugh then the kiss
And I'm free in you
Got no worries on my mind I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing when its true
And I'm free in you
The lost time, the self crime
My big mistakes
The clear voice of bad choice
Sounding like an ache
In my day
Not too bad
But too real to go away
And I don't know how you show such gentle disregard
For the ugly in me that I see that for so long I took so hard
But I truly believe that you see the best in me
I'm enough for your love and the thought sets me free in you
Got no worries on my mind I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing when its true
And I'm free in you.
"Just wanted to tell you that you seem to be living a Bohemian's life. just a thought. "
Hmm.... you know what? I actually went and looked up 'bohemian' on Dictionary.com, because up until now the word always brought images in my head of dreadlocked folks who wore tie-dye shirts & mojo sandals and smoked doobies. (obviously, I confused "bohemian" with "reggae fan")
Bohemian: "A person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior."
When they put it like that, my entire LIFE has fit under that category. I've always been weird (of course, being on the inside, it never felt that way to ME).
While I'm pretty much at peace with who I am, I have to admit that there have been times when I've chastised myself and wondered why I didn't have more of a "Normal" life (as in, 9-to-5 job, Music is just something you Listen to and nothing more, etc). Note that my doubt wasn't because I WANTED a normal job, but that I didn't FEEL normal.
Hell, whom what I can gather, I was dumped BECAUSE I didn't have a secure & stable enough life for him. Ika nga, I haven't "done" enough in my 28 years of existence.
For the past 2 months, I've been questioning myself, wondering what I did wrong and was actually making efforts to become more "normal" (looking into CCA, trying to get my own apartment to live in for no practical reason), until I realized I was still doing it to impress someone who wasn't willing to accept me for who I was.
As I slowly regain my Center, I now realize that instead of changing myself, I should simply embrace who I am: nontraditional career paths, oddball interests and all.
And to hell with anyone who can't accept that.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Itong susunod na kanta, para sa mga nag-iibig...... MAGHIHIWALAY RIN KAYO!! Mabuhay ang mga single!!!"
From the vocalist of the absolutely hysterical band Giniling Festival at last night's open mic at Bacci Cafe. I don't remember laughing so hard in one night. They just got a fan for life.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
WHY DAN SAVAGE RULES
Got this off the latest The Onion A.V. Club (which is NOT fake), where his column Savage Love appears weekly. An obnoxious letter writer rants:
"Gay marriage is not necessary and takes energy away from hetero baby-makin' and child rearing. We married baby-producers assume legal responsibility for the lives of our children. We should be subsidized. It's a lot of work, but worth it to see my genetic material carried into the future. My kids are exactly like me and my wife smooshed together. The future for gays is limited to what they can do in this lifetime.
You can't put gays and straights on the same level—it's unfair to us baby-producers. Now, if we need a subcategory, something like "public union, non-producer," to make everyone feel good about themselves, fine. So be it. But nothing else is as important as making a person. Name one thing as important. I dare you."
Daddy Against Dan
his reply:
Name something more important than making a person? That's easy: loving a person.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING NOT SO INTENSE
Credit to Jason for this time-waster.
Instructions:
A. Copy this whole list.
B. Highlight the things that are true about you.
C. Whatever you don't touch is false.
01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychidelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a bathroom
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies - what with my love embargo, more than ever now....
10. I watch them with my father
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like George Bush
15. I am cool - I'm purposely leaving htis one alone because although I actually think I AM cool, describing yourself as such is automatically uncool, so... it's very complicated, really
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year - hell, over the past 3 MONTHS
17. I have a jacuzzi and a Porsche
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere
20. I can be really really smart - except when it comes to my OWN love life
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret - we all have secrets.
23. I hate snow
25. Punk rock rules
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food - Dim sum! Roast Duck! Fried Rice!
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am so not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential - And the feeling that I'm somehow squandering it drives me nuts
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I wear a padded bra sometimes
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing - my friends can SO attest to this one, hahahahaha!!!
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies - Hate gore. Up until recently, when asked, the scariest movie I ever saw was Beetlejuice. Seriously.
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know the national anthem of my country by heart
47. I know more than two languages
48. I can spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds
55. I want to conquer the world - Through my band. Does that count?
56. I wonder what happens when I die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. I love my dog!
59. I love to exercise
60. I hate chemistry with a passion and math, too!
61. I love to write but I wish I could be as interesting as some people
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing with a passion!
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little
72. I should be doing something else rather than doing this
73. I am online a lot
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can
78. I don't trust newspapers
79. I like debating
80. I live in a wagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion
86. I used to play with barbies only because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight
91. I earn a lot
92. I don't like spicy food
93. I keep a diary
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I can be very lazy
96. I'm sarcastic more often than not
97. I think my hair can be annoying
98. I could be sensitive
99. I love being "ab-normal" - the ones who insist they are "normal" are often the freakiest ones of all.
DECISION
After talking with all sorts of friends, and doing plenty of introspection and soul searching, I have come to the realization that am much as I'd like to think that I've moved on, as long as I am still angry at The One Who Hurt Me, I CANNOT move on, and I CANNOT be in a relationship.
*cue the chorus of "DUH!!" from all of my friends reading this*
Don't get me wrong. I WANT to be in a relationship. I WANT to be in love. I WANT to share all this feeling I have and shower it on someone and receive that love in return. That part of me is encoded into my DNA as much as the color of my skin or the sound of my voice.
But. I'm just a big bag of issues right now, a combination of factors ranging from wanting to find someone who was everything my ex wasn't, to the belief that somehow if I find someone then that will make the Moving On process happen that much faster (in other words, panakip butas). All of which is terribly, terribly unfair to whoever I might be with, their own neuroses notwithstanding.
And that is why I am officially removing myself from the market. I have decided to stop looking, to stop asking people to set me up, to stop peeking in the chatrooms and mailing lists for potential hookups, EVERYTHING. I'm declaring a relationship embargo on myself, until I really feel that I've unloaded all of these feelings of of pain and hurt and anger and bitterness and hate.
The discouraging thing is that I know myself, and unlike certain people who are able to (and actually take a certain pride in) being able to throw people away instantly and move on without a second glance, I CAN'T do it just like that. I care way too much for people, I forgive people way too easily, my default setting is one that would much prefer to love than fester anger and bitterness. This is going to take time.
Now what I just said may not make sense, considering my decision, but the problem is that when I start to feel better, I start to let him in again, as in, start to care about him, then I'll start to miss him, and the realization that he's not coming back to me -- EVER -- hurts me once more. Which makes me hate him. Which starts the vicious cycle all over again.
As I have stated before, my goal is to have him mean absolutely NOTHING to me. Which is why my nature of wanting to love makes it that much more difficult to move on.
If anyone wants to pursue me, I'm not going to stop them. But I am going to tell each and every person who asks, that I am simply NOT READY. I am SO far away from ready it's depressing. Ready is far in the horizon. As Joey Tribbiani might say, ready is a DOT to me. And it will be unfair to the both of us. I'm even meeting Events Guy tonight at Greenhills for coffee and whatever, and if he presses the issue, I'm going to tell him the same thing: That until I stop being angry at nelson, I don't trust myself to be around ANYONE.
It's going to take a long while, I can already tell. And if you can imagine, the knowledge that even the memory of my ex is keeping me from having healthy relationships with other people does NOT make letting go of my anger towards him any easier.
But there it is. I've stopped. I'm not even doing so in a "Hey Karma! Can you heeeeeaaaaar meee? I'm noooooot looooooookiiiiing!!!" cosmic reverse psychology kind of way. I've stopped caring, I've stopped looking, I've just STOPPED.
It's a shame, really, because there is someone I'm actually looking forward to being introduced to that I haven't met yet, but the last thing I want to do is come up with a first impression that screams "ISSUES!!!" that ends up ruining my chances in case he turns out to be someone I do want to get to know better.
Until then, I have to be alone. Let the pain flow, let the anger burn, let these emotions run for as long as they need to. I'll just be here.
Waiting.
