Monday, March 31, 2003
Who wants to be thin?
Double-Stuf Oreos and chunky peanut butter is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.
No masturbation jokes, please
About a month back I strained my right wrist; an injury from weightlifting where I wasn't paying attention and almost dropped a heavy metal weight on my foot. I caught it with my hands to prevent myself from breaking my toes, but ended up hurting my wrist instead. I gave myself a week off to recuperate but the pain is still there.
Finally went to the doctor yesterday and diagnosed it as tendonitis. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory and some physical therapy as well, which I would have to take if I wanted to keep working out. Because I am neither independently wealthy nor do I actually make money from lifting weights, I asked if there was another alternative.
he said that I could try taking it easy on the wrist, and not just a week. 2 to 4 weeks of not straining it at all. That means a MONTH of not working out. It's disappointing on so many levels; First of all basically I'm going back to zero on the weights and will have to start all over again when I get back. It's frustrating because I had been making some nice progress with the wieght I was able to lift.
Second of all, a big part of my morning ritual is gone. I used to wake up early, hit the gym before work, grab a quick lunch and go to the store. Now, I find myself trying to keep busy while I try to burn up all this free time I suddenly have. Finally, and most obviously, it's not going to do my figure any favors when my muscles start shrinking from lack of use. It's not like I'm eating any less (hell, the opposite is true in this case). Whine whine whine, bitch bitch, bitch.
I need some good news in my life for a change.
This isn't doing me any favors in the long term, I know
Ever since I saw the latest episode of Survivor, I can't get enough of this latest snack: Double-Stuff Oreos with Lady's Choice super chunky Peanut Butter. I just take a cookie, dip it in the jar and scrape up a nice dollop of peanut butter and just eat the whole thing.
It's the one thing that's been able to cheer me up lately, even if it's just momentary.
Sunday, March 30, 2003
After what has felt like a seemlingly non-stop stream of physical ailments (sore throat, slight fever, then slight fever again), I guess it's only natural that I undergo an emotional ailment as well. At first, I thought it was just some sort of sadness has turned into a deep blackness on the inside that has me feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I've found myself contemplating unthinkable thoughts; saying things that I would never, ever say out loud. At first, I was afraid that my lack of reaction meant that somehow I agreed with these statements, but now I realize that I was doing so just to feel something, even it it was just revulsion at these thoughts. But I don't.
I'm not sure if this counts as Depression. I'm most definitely unhappy. And angry. On my way home, I found part of myself wishing that I would get into a minor traffic altercation. I pictured myself leaving the car to have an argument with the other driver that would quickly escalate into a physical confrontation where I could beat him into a bloody pulp. I wanted to hurt someone; anyone. The thought of it made my skin tingle, one of the only genuine emotions I've felt so far today.
But the most dominant feeling that I keep going back to is a void of nothingness that keeps me from mustering enough emotion even to just feel appalled by what's going through my head right now.
I can't feel myself.
Am considering another template change for this blog. I'm starting to get bored looking at it....
Last Saturday night, Where's Joe went to the open mic of Relativity again. Not a lot of people, and it was kind of disappointing. The only ones that were there were Pinwheel, the featured band of the night. Pinwheel is a band that's been mentioned ever since the band explosion in the mid-nineties, but never really got around to listening to. They had an okay sound. Folkie, good harmonies.
Nelz and Pao, a.k.a Sexy People Are Desperate, did a 5-song set (it would have been 6, but Pinwheel ended up doing one of the songs they were going to do first). They were all right, and Nelz has to work on his notes some more, but it was a definite imporvement fromt he last time I heard them.
Where's Joe did a 5-song set:
1) Take it Slow
3) High and Dry (Radiohead cover)
4) Take me as I am (Tonic Cover)
5) Saddest Thing
High and Dry was the first time that Joe did vocalist duties. He was understandably nervous and had difficulty making the adjustment of singing and playing at the same time, but it's important he get used to it so he can sing harmony in our other songs. Take Me as I Am I planned to play on my own since I learned it just 3 days ago and Joe & Cedric knew nothing about it. But in the end the song still sounded great. All in all a much, much better set than the last time we played (where I butchered 'Landslide' to my dismay and left it a steaming, quivering carcass on Relativity's floor).
When I got off stage I was satisfied with my performance, which is a bit of a rarity of you know me. This happened the last time we played at Freedom Bar as well. Why is it that our best gigs come when few people are watching?
Nikka, Paul, Eroica and Asuka came as our supporters (thanks to all of you! *hugs hugs hugs*). Afterwards, I dropped Joe and Cedric home aaaaalllll the way in Quezon City while Nelz stayed with Eroica and Asuka. (Nikka and Paul had to go early beacuse Nikka was stuffed with Salmon sashimi and was probably going home to vomit pink). It was exhausting to basically go from one end of the city othe other and back again, but Joe had no car and not much money at the moment, so I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I didn't make sure he got home safely. As Katrice once told me, when it comes to my band members, I am such a Daddy (mommy?).
Met up with Nelz, Eroica and Asuka in Cafe Adriatico in Malate, where they accompanied me to Fatburger where I had me a late dinner. We commented on the sheer number of gay guys sashaying around, even away from Orosa. Seeing all of the noise, the fancily-dressed people, the drinking, the preening, it reminded me how unimpressed I am by all of it. Which is just as well, since I don't really have the funds for night life right now, what with some expense coming up.
Left Malate and drove home to QA, where I tumbled into bed around 2:30 AM. Was sooooo wasted since I had been up for about 24 hours straight. Spent the entire morning sleeping, and spent the rest of the afternoon just vegging out in front of the TV with Nelz. It was so decadent, we were pigging out on rich foods. First, it was Reese's Peanut butter Cups. Then, I got the jar of Ladies' Choice Peanut butter which I proceeded to eat with a spoon, while Nelz polished off the last off a pint of Selecta Cookies & Cream ice cream.
Finally left the apartment at 6, then helped Nelz pick up his laundry and took it back to his place where we said our goodbyes. By the time I got home, I was just tired out. As I told Nelz, it's weekends like this that remind me that I'm not a wild party guy.
Maybe I'm just getting old.
What did you think they were going to do? Bend over?
What astounds me about the american reaction to Iraqi civilians being fairly indifferent to the whole war and despite open advertisement by the former that a domestic overthrow of Saddam would be supported. I'm not going to dispute the things that have been said about Saddam. I can even acknowledge that they may even hate Saddam. But I don't think the Iraqi people believe that the US has their best interests at heart either. It bugs me that some spokesmen for the military say that the locals overthrowing Saddam is good for their own independence. No, it isn't, because they would be merely following YOUR agenda.
Keep in mind that 10 years ago during the Gulf war, the Kurds did try to overthrow Saddam, ostensibly waiting for the US to lend support for the measure. And what did good ol' america do? Sit in the sidelines while Saddam crushed the resistance. And people wonder why no one is embracing the US liberator god army while Saddam is still breathing? More importantly, I don't understand why americans are wondering why the Iraqis don't all just lay down and welcome the coming american army as they are technologically superior and can just wipe them all out. A fight with them is useless, so why bother?
Let me pose this question to the americans then: A foreign army were to invade you, with enough firepower to dwarf your own defenses and could eradicate all of you in under a week. Would you:
A) Overthrow our own leader to save them the trouble and welcome them with open arms, because they are the superior force. Or...
B) Never surrender. We will resist them by any means necessary. Even if all we have left to fight with are rusty knives and it means our death, we wil never, ever surrender.
Anyone who has seen a Hollywood action movie in the past 50 years will know the answer to the above question. The US seem to have forgotten that national pride is NOT an american invention. Despite appearances, the Iraqis actually have the advantage in a protracted guerilla war. Why? Because unlike american culture, committing suicide to take some of your enemies with you is an acceptable and honorable way to die. The first suicide bomber that killed 4 US soldiers proved that. Saddam rewarding the bomber's family 100 million dinars ($35,000) ensures that it won't be the last.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Kiss of the Scorpion, Mark of the Jedi
After plenty of hard work and diligent practice, I now know how to give proper hickies.
Monday, March 24, 2003
It's just one bad thing after another.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
My first morning of not being sick, and I commemorate it by not getting enough sleep. This time however, it wasn't by choice. My stupid, boorish, moronic, BRAINLESSS INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE of a brother, celebrating his summer vacation plays this noisy PC game (with plenty of drving, shooting and killing) with volume turned up so loud that I can hear it in my room, even with the door closed. I tried being mellow about and sleeping through it, but the game was just turned up too loud. Eventually I went out and told him to turn it down, by then I was too godddam furious to relax. End result, I must have gone to sleep at around 2:45 am.
So now here I sit; tired, sleepy and angry. I. Hate. Him. I hope karma pays you back for this, you stupid idiot.
Friday, March 21, 2003
I guess it's true, about wanting what you can't have. Ever since the doctor told me that sugar was a no-no, I've been having major cravings for sweet stuff. The things I've found myself wishing for I haven't craved in a long time, which to date, includes:
- Kit Kat Chunky White Chocolate
- Vanilla Ice Cream
- Kit Kat Chunky Chocolate
- Country Style Old Fashioned Sour Cream Donuts
- Park & Go Chocolate frosted mini-donuts
- Park & Go Ube Pianono cake
- Leche Flan
- ANY type of chocolate bar, preferrably with nuts
Okay, I just filled my mouth with drool.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Land of the Free?
Natalie Maines, lead singer of country supergroup the Dixie Chicks (which I happen to be a fan of) exercised her right to free speech during a concert in London and told the audience: "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas."
Not suprisingly, there was a backlash back home, where listeners and Radio stations, arguably exercising their right to free speech, called for a boycott of their music from the airwaves. If they were authors, would a book burning have been in order?
Soon afterwards, Maines made a public statement apologizing for her words, and expressed her support for their president. I was disappointed, as the first thing I thought of when I heard this was "Panindigan nyo!" (stand up for your beliefs!) But I now I think I understand the root of her motivations. A lot of people (her bandmates and her instrumentalists, among others) would have been affected by the boycott, and she didn't want to be responsible for all of these people's livelihoods being threatened just because of her own views.
But that didn't make me any less disappointed. And scared. Because this all seems like a throwback to earlier times when people were afraid to even voice their beliefs for fear opf being punished because of them.
The latest development to this story? South Carolina House members say the Dixie Chicks should apologize for lead singer Natalie Maines' criticism of President Bush by performing a free concert for troops. Republican state Rep. Catherine Ceips introduced a resolution Wednesday calling for the country music trio to perform for South Carolina troops and their families. The resolution passed the House on a 50-35 vote and left some lawmakers angry and others confused. "I think it's an olive branch to the Dixie Chicks," Ceips said.
"But only after they apologize first for exercising their free speech, is that correct?" asked House Minority Leader James Smith, a Democrat.
America: Defender of Freedom. As long as you agree with us.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Went to Clinica and told the doctor there about my symptoms (Sore throat, hard to swallow). He looked down my throat and noticed signs of a post-nasal drip. Apparently the virus started in my nose and trickled downwards. It's possible that it may be the flu (in which case it's bound to get worse, so the sooner I nip it in the bud the better).
He prescribed me an antiviral medication (as opposed to antibiotics, which relieved me, because my last doctor pumped me full of them), something to handle the nasal drip, and Bactidol gargle (which apparently kills all types of bacteria compared to Listerine). Did you know that according to the doc, regular use of Listerine (3x a day over 40 years) will eventually give you cancer? Educational to say the least. The priciest thing on the prescription was the antiviral, but thankfully I only have to take it 3 times, so it's not so bad. He assured me that I would feel better in 3 days; I hope he's right.
Things I have to avoid: sugar (feeds bacteria) , extremely hot and cold foods (irritates the throat), and drinks with citric acid (ditto). Interestingly, he advised me not to get plenty of bed rest, which is usually the case. He was fully in favor of me being up and about, but that I was contagious, this being a virus and all, So no swapping spit for at least seven days.
Oh well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess.
Monday, March 17, 2003
"We've both got a lot of things on our minds"
That's what Nelz said to me in an SMS referring to my sleeping problems yesterday. As I was in bed last night (where I had a fairly better sleep, if you were wondering) it dawned on me that I had been analyzing myself -- both conscously and subconsciously -- because of recent events.
Issues I thought I had dealt with had bubbled up unexpectedly and suddenly, and my anger at them ended up being expressed in the most unfair of directions. Since then, I've been running it in my mind over and over what happened, and what issues lay beneath. Now there is guilt. And shame. And bewilderment, over how this could have occurred. And fear, that this might happen again.
My choir master who collects books brought a complete book on Ennagram Types, which if you remember, had me as a Type 4 (Individualist). A more comprehensive study than the one online (which you had to pay for) said many, many things about Type 4s which at times chilled me with their accuracy. They described things that I had done and the way I was previously, and even some things that I've been grappling with now.
The small consolation is that basing from what the book said, I was a Type 4 that was inbetween being controlled by my demons and integrating my personality to work for me instead of against me. There were some self-destructive patterns that I had figured out I was following and was making efforts to break even before I read the book, but didn't know the terms for. It was somewhat comforting to know that I was a person who did know there was something that needed to be done and was making strides towards doing just that.
Which makes this latest mistake weigh so heavily on my mind. My deepest fear, whether unfounded or not, is that I can recall a crossing a similar line in a previous relationship. Where doing something once opened the floodgates to me doing it again and again. Each time hurting the Other more and more. Until it was too much.
I can't let that happen again. I want to move on. I have broken beyond that particular circle, and I am on the track of a more complete, more positive one. To repeat past mistakes tells me that I have learned nothing. That, above all else, I cannot accept. I will not let this happen again. I will not forget. Even if I have to punish myself.
Forgive and Forget
It is a balancing act; between taking care to remember your mistakes so as to ensure that they won't be repeated, and being able put it behind you so you can move on.
Right now, I haven't forgiven myself just yet. Because I am afraid of forgetting too soon if I do.
Despite going to bed around midnight, I woke up this morning at 7 am absolutely exhausted. It was like I didn't sleep at all, and my head was slightly pounding as well. I felt so bad that I stayed stuck in bed for about 2 hours, before peeling myself off the covers and heading to work.
Since I didn't hit the gym in the morning, I planned to do it in the afternoon, after working the lunchhour shift. But my lousy condition continued, as did the headache. I dressed for working out, but couldn't find the strength. I ended up lying down on the couch and dozong off (lightly) for the rest of the afternoon. Got up at around 5 and just went home. When I got upstairs I discovered that I was so out of it this morning that I had forgotten to turn off the computer when I left; as it was still on the pages that I was browsing.
This entire day has been a wash. My only consolation is that Nelz had a particularly good one today (go see his blog for details). Just waking up poorly this morning set the tone for the entire day. I never really noticed how poor my sleep habits were until I saw how soundly Nelz sleeps. The importance of getting a good rest cannot be overestimated, and my ability to relax and recharge leaves much to be desired. I sleep lightly, and wake up far, far too easily.
How can I do something about this?
Pop Quiz, hotshot
You Are The Clingy Gay Man
What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah, yeah, I know. Big surprise, right? Shut up. ;p
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Guess who's back... back again... Dyoza's back... tell a friend
The Nelz Journal is back online, with a spanking new design. He said one of the reasons he considered putting it back was because he felt guilty about everyone reading my blog just to get updates on his life. Personally, I think he just wanted his share of the spotlight again.
But don't tell him I said that. ;)
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
After a particularly exhausting week for Nelz, we went to Tagaytay last weekend practically in an overnight decision. After picking him up from the office we picked up soem supplies at the grocery and were happily on our way. There wasn't much traffic on the road, so we got there sooner than expected. We passed by Tagaytay landmark Mushroomburger to pick up a pack of oyster mushrooms (Nelz calls them 'Fallopian tubes'; I wouldn't know) for the spicy tuna pasta Nelz was planning to make for dinner.
When we got to the house we unloaded the stuff and played with the three dogs in the house: Dougie, Brownie and Ewok. Ewok was HUGE. and I'm happy to say he filled out. Last time we were there he went from a cute, porky fluffy puppy into a gangly-legged awkward adolescent. Now he looks more muscular and his coat is just as lush as ever. He is a damned good looking dog, if I say so myself. I also noticed a subtle change in the pack positioning as well. I tried calling Dougie (the oldest dog there and presumed alpha male) to play with me, Ewok moved in instead.
Wheras before the old Dougie would have shoved his way in, now all he did was just sit helplessly and whine. Ewok was now the alpha male of the pack. It's kind of sad, but Dougie is an old canine, and it had to happen sometime. Besides, Ewok has apparently mellowed; he hasn't killed anything since the last time we were up there.
Let me tell you, even though it's nearing summer and the heat is sweltering in Manila, you wouldn't know it up there. The wind was blowing so much, we could hear it in the bedroom as we slept. for me, I always thought it sounded like something large was flying right outside the window, which depending on your imagination can be exciting or downright scary. The chilly temperature made even a well-insulated guy like myself shiver. Good thing I had a furry bear to snuggle against. ;)
Before dinner, we went to the Picnic Grove, a place where neither of us had been in literally years. We were both surprised by the amount of rennovations done to the place. Some were good, some not so good. They had cut down a lot of trees to make room for more cars to park and more tables, but they had also planted plenty of saplings that from the way they were laid out, would make a beautiful landscape in about 10 years or so.
There were far more tables than before, and better built too. All with a gorgeous view of Taal Lake. This is where all the people went after Tagaytay Lodge closed, and the owners took full advantage of it. Aside from the tables, a large children's playground, and aviary, and even a full-on waterfall running down the mountain were all being planned for construction. There was a long nature trail complete with a suspension bridge that we walked on that showed plenty of breathtaking vistas, the end of which led to some cottages which were from the outside quite lovely to look at. They were european-inspired in design, like swiss chalets. I have to say I am seriously impressed and plan to come back here with both friends and family.
By the time we finished the trail the sun had set and it was dark (allowing opportunity to steal a kiss out in public, heh) we were walking back to the car and decided to stop by the visitor's center to see if there were any knit hats for sale, because Nelz had been looking for one to tuck in his hair, as it was getting pretty long. As he was browsing for colors (he picked dark brown, the closest thing to black they had) my eyes passes upon a tray of rings; simple metal bands with designs etched into them. Nothing extravagant, just P25, but beautiful in their simplicity.
I never usually wear rings, but somehow they appealed to me. I picked one with a celtic design. Nelz came over and went "ooh!" as well, so I told him to pick one. Without seeing my choice, he went for the same kind as well. I paid for both rings and went over to him to put it on. Nelz doesn't wear jewelry because according to him he has a skin condition that leads to irritation and rashes. So this was a rare opportunity. Plus, this is probably the only type of ring I'll be able to afford for a while. ;)
Both of us knew it was just a little gesture, but I couldn't help grinning madly, knowing the symbolism usually attributed to it. As I took his hand to put on the ring, with a wicked smile I asked "Shall I get down on one knee?" In reply, he hit me with his knit hat. I swear, if I was a more courageous sort, (and if Nelz wouldn't have killed me later) I really would have gone down on one knee in front of everyone, just to shock him, for a change.
We went to the car and drove home for dinner, a DVD of Insomnia, and Nelz finding new places to give hickies he hasn't yet. But holding his hand in mine as we drove home with our matching rings, feeling both of them touching (mine was on my right hand, his on his left) was one of those Perfect Little Moments you remember for the rest of your life.
Monday, March 10, 2003
"Uy, ano to?"
That's what the buff physical trainer who works at my gym said to me yesterday, as he pointed to the purple, curiously lip-shaped bruise on my left shoulder. He then gave me the nudge-nudge, wink-wink "way to go, pare!" grin that all straight guys give each other when one of their barkada scores.
If only he knew.
Friday, March 07, 2003
Nikka's name is Strawberry Cheesecake, by the way
I was having an SMS conversation with Nikka this afternoon about our respective puppies' names; me with Schublig, and her with Ponkan. It was wierd, because I originally texted her bitching about the weather, but somehow as all of our exchanges go, we ended up moving into some bizarre territory (which is why I loooove talking to the girl!). There was a little editing here and there, but the gyst of it went a little something like this:
Ian: Ponkan, Schublig, aren't food nicknames the best? If you were to nickname Paul after a food, what would it be?
Nikka: Hmmmm.... I got it. Apple!
Ian: Uhm... because he's juicy and he's got a red bottom? *grin*
Nikka: Silly! Because his childhood nickname was Apple. You know, 'A-Paul?'
Ian: That's no good! Food nicknames have to be sexy, because I say so and I am the authority on anything and everything.
Nikka: Okay, what about SIOPAO!
Ian: Hahahahahahaha! Perfect! It refers to his cultutral heritage and his pudgy exterior! I can't wait to "accidentally" use it in a conversation. When we're eating Dimsum in Binondo perhaps: Would you like some Paul, Siopao?--uh, I mean, some siopao, Paul? wehehehehe
Nikka: Only I can use that nickname! Okay, what about you and Nelz?
Ian: Hmmmm... I'd call him 'Hakao', because he's spicy, white, soft, and it feels great sinking my teeth into him. Heh! As for me, since he's such a Reese fanatic, I could be his Peanut Butter Cup: I'm brown, sweet, and when I get sweaty enough, salty too!
Nikka: Yaaak! hahaha! Why do food and sex go so well together?
Ian: Because they're the only vices the enjoyment of which increases when indulged in with a lover. And they both involve putting something yummy in your mouth.
Nikka: Not all the time!
Ian: Speak for yourself, hetero.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Because I have writer's block, and so at least there's some good writing on this blog, for a change....
by Sugar Free (E. Dancel)
Don't you ever wonder
Where are your happy thoughts have gone?
In case you don't remember
We were Peter Pans for a day
You say it's all in a day's work
But days will turn into weeks
And on and on we go till we just forget
There goes your world on a train
Catch it cause it's making its' last trip
Time don't take it away, don't take it away,
Don't take it all away
When we move to the left, then we move to the right
Forward and then backward till the moment's gone we all fade away
Spin around we don't make a sound time keeps moving on
Until your moment's gone, we all fade away
We can't be young forever, but that's what old men say
Just try and remember we were john and wendy yesterday
There goes your world on a train catch it cause it's making it's last trip
Time don't take it away, don't take it away
Don't take it all away
When we move to the left, then we move to the right
Forward and then backward till the moment's gone we all
Spin around don't make a sound time keeps moving on
Until your moment's gone, we all fade away
Do you recall when Saturday mornings were meant for fun
Do you remember, when it all went away?
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Not so horny after all
At first I thought it was just hormones, but even after um, getting release, I find myself missing Nelz more and more. Even though we just saw each other last night when I gave him a ride home from SM City, today I found myself thinking about him constantly all day. Actually, the 'release' made the feelings even more acute, because it took lust out of the equation.
Gah, I know Nelz has much more important things to think about right now: work, his upcoming photography exhibit (which looks to be a killer show; I've seen the pictures), his friend P., among other things. It's not that he doesn't care about us any less, it's just that he has other things on his plate. But me on the other hand, I haven't felt like this since we first got together. Hormonal imbalances can bring about mood swings and depression; can it also cause an intense longing?
Yeesh, I am such a girl.....
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Just noticed that an increasing number of people's blogs that I visit are updating less and less often, or stopping altogether. Is the novelty of doing this wearing off? Has blogging become merely another fad, and people simply moving on to the next big thing?
I'm finally, fully completely well. I was so aching to get physical again after 2 weeks of being sedentary that I had an intense session of pumping iron and then brisk walking for an hour in Greenhills Shopping center when I got home. Anyone who knows me will attest to how averse I am at any physical exertion; so even I'm surprised at how active I was today.
Of course, I had to get sick during both weekends, which naturally put a crimp in any romantic plans I may have had with Nelz. After seeing how much the medicines my doc prescribed to me cost, I would never have forgiven myself if I gave Nelz the bug and corresponding financial burden.
The thing is, now I absolutely cannot WAIT until the weekend. My libido is running at an all-time high. My thoughts basically run back and forth between release and how to get that release. Be thankful that this isn't the Nelz Journal, otherwise I'd be a LOT more graphic about the stuff I've been doing just to keep myself sane.
Horndog, thy name is Ian.